COMMENTS

9 responses to “Ask Joan: Painful sex”

1. This is a question for Joan or anyone feeling capable of answering the question. My wife developed extreme vaginal sensitivity shortly after bearing children. So much so that we were unable to enjoy intercourse together anymore. The pain sensitivity was so great that she did not enjoy oral or hands either. She is unable to pleasure herself. She let me masturbate on her breasts a couple of times but it was so one sided (in my favor) that I didn’t even enjoy it. She spoke with her doctor and he prescribed her some sort of hormonal cream which was ineffective. Our sex life stopped and we just went on working and raising two children in a loving family environment. A couple of years ago my doctor told me my prostate was extra full of fluid and that a recent medical study recommended me to ejaculate at least 21 times per month to maintain good prostate health. My wife and I spoke about this and it was agreed that intercourse was out of the question but that I should masturbate to control the build up of sperm.
   For visual stimulation I have used porn to obtain an erection and during the course of viewing I came across several videos when a man was penetrating a woman anus. I was kind of surprised by the enjoyment the women were experiencing and how surprisingly clean it appeared. I honestly though it would be messier. I began wondering if this could be an answer to my wife sensitivity to vaginal intercourse. I don’t know if this is just an act or real enjoyment takes place, so I am looking for help understanding if this is a real solution or just bad porn.

   Reply to John

2. I can empathize with this situation because my wife of 30+ Years has not had sex with me in 25 years because it hurts her. But we have come to an agreement of sorts. It was hardly a turn on for me to attempt penetration when my wife would tense up and cringe in pain at the mere touch of my penis head to her vagina. So I stopped. I felt more bad for her because she was trying for me, even though it was not something she wanted. Thats love.
   My doctor told me that fluid was building up in my prostate and could result in problems. He told me of a study that recommended men to ejaculate at least 21 times a month to maintain good prostate health. I did not inform him that my wife and I don’t have sex because he is her doctor too. Privacy consideration: if she wants to bring that up with him, she will. Not my place to tell him that.
   Anyway, I told my wife about the discussion with the doctor. Followed by what I felt was a pretty good compromise. I told her that If she was ok with me openly masturbating, that I would have no expectation for her to attempt sex with me. This worked for both of us and that is how it is for us. No anger, no accusations, no messy affairs, just good communication and plain masterbation. I don’t want to be crude about it so when I am going to masturbate I tell her Im doing a “prostate workout” – and she knows what I mean.
   There has only been one drawback which turned out to be physical. After regularly masturbating, my prostate has gone into super production and instead of masturbating 21 times a month as recommended, I have to masterbate at least twice a day to keep the volume of sperm buildup under control. But we worked it out as responsible loving adults, and we are both good with the situation.

   Reply to John

3. One can only imagine what other psychological abuse this woman has endured for 35 years. She needs to divorce him only because he is an insensitive selfish sadist. There are many men who would be more than happy to make love to her without demanding PIV intercourse.

   Reply to Andre Leonard

4. It is a very serious problem and there are some serious psychological issues in that couple…

   Reply to Helen

5. Dear Joan,

   Hmm…this was difficult to comprehend such selfishness. I’d like to see how her husband would handle this if the shoe was on the other foot. What. A. Pr*ck.

   I can’t help but feel that this is teetering over the line of abuse, if not torture – inflicting pain on another. I do not know how she has put up with his behaviour. If I was with a partner who was so insensitive to my needs I certainly would not feel any desire to give him a blow job or even a hand job for that matter (I’d probably want to kick him in the balls too). What a way to crush warmth and intimacy between two people.

   Joan, I hope your response gives her the courage to speak up and find support. Personally, I reckon he should go sleep in the shed.

   And…this post makes me feel even more grateful for the love, kindness and tenderness of my partner. I have painful sex too sometimes, not my pelvis thankfully, just bad knees. He will massage and stroke them to help relieve pain and when penetrative sex isn’t on the table (when sometimes it is…oh yes, there’s an innuendo in there) he’s okay with that. We adapt to our situation and mood each time. I wish this lady had what I have: deep love, respect and consideration.

   Susan, The Maven
   The Spicy Boudoir

   Reply to Susan Jarvis

6. My #1 suggestion, divorce. If he is that insensitive to causing her pain he is NOT a good husband or likely a good person.

   Reply to Jeanette Lamb

   1. this post just gnawed at me

      I’ve always thought of sex as a mutual activity.

      There are so many other ways / places for this man and this woman to get him off.
      On a scale of 1-10, his empathy is at negative four.

      on the other hand, she could find out from what are his driving considerations, opinions and attitudes about masturbation and a side relationship.

      They may be religious or guilt driven from family – it would be good to know.

      it just seems plain to me, that if both wanted to fix the issues, they could talk about all of the alternative methods of getting him off.

      Reply to Ed Berwick

7. Does he not understand that this is PAINFUL for her? Perhaps he needs to be evaluated for Alzheimers. Otherwise he is just a selfish jerk with the attitude of a caveman and she is well within her rights to refuse him. His actions are abusive, coercive, and could arguably be called rape. I hope she will have the strength to Just Say NO! I can’t believe we’re still fighting these fights more than 50 years after the “sexual revolution,” the pill, and the women’s movement!

   Reply to Jeanne

8. This person says that they have gone to marriage therapy. If they have only gone to one person, I would suggest “shopping around” if that person has not been able to guide them to any resolution. Not all therapists are created equal and each therapist has their own approach. One of the first sets of questions that I ask a therapist is what their training is, what approaches or methods they use, and if they are knowledgeable about (insert specific concern here – disabilities, LGBTQ issues, PoC, etc…). I have left a therapist because she was too agreeable. I wasn’t going to hear someone tell me I was right. I was going to have help finding a path or solution. With the internet, it is really easy now to read therapist profiles online, see reviews, research acronyms in their specialties, etc… Even though therapy can be challenging, there is a difference between hard work and a bad fit. Learning how to suss that out is a great skill.

   Reply to Betty