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Let’s get one misconception out of the way. Sex without intercourse is still sex. Real sex. Satisfying sex. Hot sex. The idea that only intercourse constitutes “real sex” limits our creativity and our satisfaction.
Sex is any activity that arouses you and brings you sexual pleasure.
Here are some reasons why we should expand our exploration of sex beyond penetration— especially as we age:
9 Reasons to Try Sex Without Penetration
- Your skin is your largest sex organ. Your body is a wonderland of sensation. Seeing sexual expression as solely one set of genitals entering another set of genitals limits the possibilities of sex.
- Erections may become undependable as we age. If we limit our sexual expression to penetration, we’ll have less sex.
- Anxiety about erections being hard enough or lasting long enough causes even more erectile undependability. Performance anxiety is an erection killer.
- Medical issues – age-related or not – may make intercourse impossible. We have to switch to a different kind of sex, or we won’t have sex at all.
- Penetration may become uncomfortable or even painful for many women as we age. Our vaginas are drier and the tissues are thinner. Even if we use plenty of lubricant, as we should (see A Senior’s Guide to Lubrication on SeniorPlanet.org), extended intercourse can still be uncomfortable if not painful..
- Some 75 percent of women do not reach orgasm solely through intercourse, and this percentage is likely higher in older women, although I haven’t found research comparing orgasms through intercourse in older vs. younger women. (Researchers: please ask us!)
- The clitoris, not the vagina, is the pleasure place for most women. Many women find intercourse very pleasurable and exciting but still require clitoral stimulation; for others, clitoral pleasure is the main event.
- When men rely on erectile performance drugs like Viagra or Cialis, they may find sex less satisfying, because although the drugs give them erections, they don’t increase libido. Trying to reach orgasm may take longer (see “Desperately Seeking Orgasm: Help for an Older Man” on SeniorPlanet.org). This can get uncomfortable or painful for women partners (see #5).
- When men rely on erectile performance drugs, their partners may find sex less satisfying because they feel that it’s all about the erection and not about pleasure. (See “How to Have Satisfying Sex When Your Man Uses Viagra” on SeniorPlanet.org)
With all of these issues, it makes sense for older people especially to concentrate on what brings us the most delightful sensations. Judging sexual success by whether or not the penis was hard enough or the vagina receptive or responsive enough just adds stress. Try taking the focus off intercourse and focusing on goal-free sensation and pleasure instead.
Sexual Expression Without Penetration: What to Do Instead
One of the biggest problems with focusing our sexuality on penetration is that it makes us ignore all the other ways we can express ourselves sexually, arouse each other, share intimacy and enjoy orgasms. So instead of holding on to that old notion that penis-in-vagina (PIV) is the be-all and end-all of partner sex, let’s expand our ideas to encompass all the marvelous ways we can be sexual together that don’t require PIV.
If you’re not having intercourse, what are you doing instead? There are many options. Some will be perfect for you, while others might not attract you. There’s no “wrong” way to express yourself sexually as long as it’s consensual and enjoyable. Learn, sample, experiment and create your own menu of possibilities.
Here are some non-PIV ways to enjoy sex:
- Explore each other’s entire bodies. Our skin is our largest sex organ. Invite your partner to touch your body all over—no goals, just pleasure. On a different day, switch to exploring your partner. Whether you’ve known each other for a long time or just a little while, this is the body you live in now, and there’s plenty to discover about how it looks and responds.
- Share sensual, full-body massage. Use a nice massage oil and take plenty of time massaging your partner’s whole body. Your goal is to give delicious, relaxing pleasure. Try to tune into your partner’s responses, noting sighs and moans and the quickening or slowing of your partner’s breathing. A full-body massage may lead to arousal and even orgasm – or it may just be a relaxing end in itself. Either way, it’s fine!
- Explore new erogenous zones. Our erogenous zones can change as we age. The way to discover what turns you on now is to let go of the notions of where you’re “supposed” to feel stimulation and, instead, try touching new spots to see how you respond, whether solo or with a partner. Now you’re actively seeking the spots that you or your partner find arousing. Let yourself be surprised by your own reactions and your partner’s.
- Explore new ways to touch: lighter or harder, faster or slower, direct or teasing. Sometimes the difference between getting aroused or not is not where you touch as much as how you touch. Give and ask for feedback to communicate how fast and how much pressure feels good. What you find exciting may change as you get aroused. For example, you might like having your breasts stroked all over slowly when you’re starting out, and as excitement builds, you might like your nipples pinched. Or you might not like direct clitoral stimulation until you’re fully aroused, and then you do want it. We’re all different – there’s no “right” way to enjoy touching. Help your partner know what works to excite you starting out, then once you’re aroused, and then when you’re close to orgasm.
- Use your mouth. Oral sex is king! All genders find that the combination of the warmth, pressure and wetness of the mouth with the movement of the tongue invites us to orgasm better than intercourse. Oral sex isn’t just foreplay – it can be the main event. Be willing to give your partner feedback about what feels good.
- Use your hands. Especially after plenty of all-over touching, stimulating the vulva or penis with hand and fingers can bring you to a strong orgasm. We may call them “hand jobs,” but I prefer to think of this practice as “hand joys.” Again, communicate with your partner about what you like – the whole hand circling your vulva, for example, or one or two fingers stimulating your clitoris. What rhythm do you like – slow and steady, maybe, or fast pulsing, or cha-cha-cha, or …? If you’re pleasuring a penis with your hand, have your partner show you how he likes it.
- Use sex toys. A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm. It’s sometimes that simple. If you’ve been reluctant to try a vibrator, there’s no better time than the present. Whether you like clitoral stimulation or the feeling of a full vagina or both, a well-designed vibrator can give you the intensity you need for orgasm. Sex toys for penises are just as important and pleasurable as they are for vulvas. See my Senior’s Guide to Vibrators for a helpful introduction, and my sex toy reviews at com for specific recommendations.
- Share masturbation. We know our own bodies best. Many couples find it very intimate to enjoy self-pleasuring together – you pleasure yourself, your partner does the same, and you either watch each other simultaneously or take turns. Masturbating together can be a joyful experience, and we can also use it to teach each other how we like to be pleasured.
- Explore anal pleasure/ prostate massage. The anus is alive with pleasurable nerve endings in people of all genders and orientations, and anal stimulation can heighten or cause an orgasm. For men who still have prostates, prostate massage with a finger or an anal sex toy (with a flared base) can be intensely erotic and orgasm-inducing.
- Explore Tantra. Tantra is an ancient Hindu practice of combining the physical and spiritual into a slowed down, high-consciousness, meditative sexual practice. Many people over 60 report that their sexual connection with their partner is greatly enhanced after taking classes and reading books about how to do this (see my resources list, below).
Let go of goals – focus on pleasure. As sex and relationship coach Charlie Glickman, PhD puts it, “Sex is a lot like a buffet. We have so many different choices for pleasure and intimacy. Intercourse is a popular dish and it’s a favorite for many people. But there’s no reason to skip past all the other options or consider them only as appetizers. When you do that, you miss out on discovering lots of other delicious possibilities!”
Take Your Time
You’re learning new skills, plus your arousal is slower than it used to be, so be patient with yourself and your partner. “Slower arousal can honestly be a blessing in disguise, as it can be a great way to incorporate toys, more foreplay, and build communication and intimacy with a partner,” says Sarah Elizabeth Mueller, Lead Education and Research developer at The Smitten Kitten. “Pretty much all folks who are aging experience changes in their sexual function, desire, and therefore in their sexual and/or romantic relationships. Change is inevitable, but embracing change and discovering new ways to experience pleasure can be amazing and as exciting as first sexual experiences were.”
Sexual Expression Without Penetration: Getting Comfortable
Let’s look at some ways to prepare before we even get naked. Make some of these intimate activities a habit – they’ll nurture intimacy and improve your sexual responsiveness:
- Touch a lot during non-sexual times. Hold hands. Stand and sit close to each other. Remember when you were first dating, and you couldn’t bear to have an inch of space separating you? Whether you’ve been together for a year or half a century, reclaim that awareness of how good your bodies feel when they’re close and not having sex.
- Eye gaze. Take time just to look into each other’s eyes, which some call the windows to the soul. Try to get your awareness away from yourself (how do I look? what does my partner see?) and focus on your lover.
- Spend lots of time kissing. Kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex – though it might. Kissing stimulates the brain and revs up the sex drive, as well as bonding you with your partner. For extra intimacy and excitement, try relaxing into your kissing and breathing in sync.
How Do We Talk About This?
If you’re in a relationship that has been focused on intercourse, it may be awkward at first to try to switch or expand your repertoire to these other means of sexual expression. You might like to start this way:
- First talk honestly about why you feel it’s important to explore new modes of physical intimacy. Ask to hear your partner’s feelings and really listen, without interrupting or judging.
- Schedule two dates that you agree will be sexual pleasure dates without intercourse:
- The first time, you’ll explore how to give your partner pleasure. You’d like your partner to receive, enjoy, and not try to reciprocate.
- The second time, you’ll be the one to receive pleasure. You’d like your partner to be the giver and not expect you to reciprocate.
- Give each other plenty of feedback in the moment about what feels good, using words, gestures, moans, etc.
- Talk later about what you both experienced. What was it like? What did you learn as the receiver? What did you learn as the giver? What did you enjoy enough to keep in your repertoire? What would you like to try next?
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just becoming sexual with a new person, communication is key. It’s essential that we learn to communicate about our needs and desires and elicit this from a partner, especially when what brings us pleasure is changing with the years.
Negotiating Better Sex
Sometimes sex is a negotiation, especially with a new partner. What do you like? What do you need to reach orgasm? What is uncomfortable for you physically or emotionally? What is absolutely off-limits? What are you nervous about trying, but maybe you’d be willing?
Sex columnist Dan Savage said this in a recent podcast:
“Straight people should take from gay people these four magic words: “What are you into?” That question, when two guys are going to have sex, is always asked. When it’s a man and a woman, all too often, consent is granted and then all communication ceases. What’s happening next is assumed: if it’s heterosexual sex, it’s penis in vagina.
“We don’t have that default assumption in gay land. When two guys say yes to sex, it’s the beginning of a whole other conversation. Everything has to be discussed and negotiated. Asking “What are you into?” is so empowering, because at that moment, you can rule anything in and anything out. It’s a sexy negotiation. Straight people sometimes say to me, I wish I could have more sex. I say, ‘You could, if you had a broader definition of sex.’”
If you can ask for what you want, you’re more likely to get it than if you keep wishing that your partner could read your mind. Likewise, if you don’t ask or encourage your partner to share what feels good, you’ll rely on what used to work, without ever discovering how sensations and erogenous zones might have changed.
Which of these approaches might fit your style?
- “I’d love it if you’d touch me this way.”
- “Could we try…?”
- “What would you like?”
- “Show me what feels good to you.”
- “Show me how you pleasure yourself.”
If You’re Starting a New Relationship
If you and your partner are new to each other, you’ll have additional considerations. How and when will you bring up your sexual needs and limitations? If intercourse will be problematic or not an option, how and when do you put that on the table?
I suggest bringing it up early, as soon as you see that the relationship is headed toward sex.
Rather than frame your need or desire for sex without penetration as a sad limitation or an apology, word it in a positive way, such as some variation of these statements:
- I’m very attracted to you. Intercourse is not possible for me, but I’d love to explore all the other ways we can enjoy each other.
- I’m excited about where this is leading. Can we explore how to make love to each other without the goal of intercourse?
- I have to tell you that we might not be able to have intercourse. But, if you’d enjoy it, I’d love to use my mouth and hand to satisfy you.
Exploration is Sexy
“For many queer and disabled people, sex without intercourse isn’t about broadening our sexual repertoire but acknowledging the varied kinds of sex we’re already having,” Bianca Palmisano, sex educator, medical consultant and owner of Intimate Health Consulting says. “Only a small percentage of our intimacy involves inserting tab A into slot B. Sometimes that’s because we don’t have the ‘right’ equipment or enough energy for penetration, but frequently it’s because there’s plenty of other avenues keeping us entertained. We have fingers and tongues and dirty thoughts and pretty underwear. It’s not a loss when we have sex without penetration, we’re just busy exploring all the other beautiful pieces of our sexuality.”
And as one of my readers, age 65, told me in an email, “Once I realized what real sex was, I realized the goal is the journey, not the destination. It is all about the two beings connecting. It is only secondarily about the bodies. The basic building block is the connection between the two live beings.”
- Stella Harris, “Can’t Get Hard? 8 Tips for a Steamy, Sexy Good Time Anyway”
- Cory Silverberg, “Exploring Sex and Intimacy Without Intercourse”
- Dr. Patti Britton, “On Prostate Pleasure”
- Michael Castleman M.A., “Sex Without Intercourse: A Hot Option for Lovers of All Ages”
- “Tantric Sexuality” at SexInfoOnline
- “Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy & Heighten Pleasure.” Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson. Llewellyn, 2012.
- “The Joy of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition.” Alex Comfort. Harmony, 2009.
- “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.” Ian Kerner. (Harper Collins, 2009.
- “The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.” Tristan Taormino. Cleis Press, 2006.
- “The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure.” Violet Blue. Cleis Press, 2002.
- “The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners.” Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian. Cleis Press, 2013.
- “The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life.” Joan Price. Cleis Press, 2015.
Send Joan your questions by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
I’m a Christian married woman in my 60s. I’ve just read an article about senior sex written on a Christian website by a man which misses the mark completely. I wish everyone could read this, it covers just about everything in such detail. There is no need to look elsewhere for advice. Thank you.
My wife was teasing me about having a healthy interest in sex. She does as well. We were actually thinking about me just having prostate massages and orgasms that way for a period of time. We’ve done gentle prostate milking before and tried it again a week ago. Her devilish idea was to just milk me until the next quarter of this year is finished. It’s a bit risqué and naughty and I said I was game. She enjoys oral pleasure and would have that. It’s probably not good for all men.
I find Senior Planet’s insite into sex for seniors one of the best guides I have come across. I just wish I could have had years ago when my wife was alive and in good health. I am 77 and have just started trying to get back with women. My wife has been gone for 3 years and I have relied on masturbation for sexual release. I recently got on a dating site and have met a woman that I feel I am very compatible with. We both enjoy sex. I have ED but love oral sex and want to pleasure my girl friend
It is so taboo and weird for older women to talk about sex with people, like no one wants to hear about it or know that we are sexual beings. Thank you for the great read and I totally recommend looking into this https://www.ez.insure/landing/2020/12/importance-of-sex-as-we-age/ . I would love to hear your thoughts on the article!
I have lower back issues and my wife has knee and hip problems. Our solution is pretty basic, but given our arthritis situations, we both like it better than conventional sex.
Simply put, we start off with lots of kissing and massage, and then I give her a good eating. After 1 or 2 orgasms, she kisses me and massages me while I slowly get myself off. As My orgasm nears she very lightly rubs my testicles. Much more intense than missionary sex, plus she absolutely loves to actually see me ejaculating. We’re both 65. We’re very happy with our “system”!!
This is us; your account is like reading about ourselves. Good thing ED doesn’t affect our tongues! In the past I have tried using a silicone ring, which allows for penetration, but is too restrictive at the moment of climax and has resulted in bruising along my corona ridge.
The reason I don’t try to get intimate is I don’t consider myself sexy enough, No one has said or done anything to make me feel any different so why should I expect any different. Silence speaks for itself.
Everyone has the right to have intimacy,and experience sexual pleasure.rgardless of how you feel.our age and I am sixty,should not disqualify any one from an intimate mommmoment. My feelings….
I showed my wife this article. I made a comment but perhaps I didn’t submit it. The thing is that my wife and I are in our 60s and we’re very active intimately. I’m truly not trying to make this comment dirty but we’ve always been open minded and we’ve even used sex toys (two vibrators, a chastity device w/lock, a leather harness). PLEASE understand that reason I’ve graphically mentioned them is that sometimes you need to just have an open mind and drop the hangups. You need to be willing try new things, naughty things, and even spend some extra money if you can to have an active sex life, especially as you get older. Such aids aren’t absurd when you consider that they can make sex new and exciting. It’s not all kink, not at all. My wife and I talk, relax together, and we’ve watched romantic and not so romantic films. At least one day of a weekend we make a day of it where one of us pampers the other. For example, last Saturday I pampered my wife: I made her breakfast and given her coffee in bed, drew her bath, attended her, let her relax and I took care of the house and cooked her a nice dinner. I paid her “attention” during the day too, and jumped to it when she asked for something. She’s done the very same for me (okay, so maybe a little kink for each of us). We’ve been doing this since our fifties! The point is it’s been harmless fun and makes it interesting.
Anonymous Happy Husband, I love the way you’ve embraced new ways to explore sensuality and intimacy with love, adventure, and an open mind. I agree that sex toys are well worth the money! Your pampering day sounds like a delicious idea!
Thank for answering Ms. Price. We might have married intimacy probably a little kinkier than younger married couples. We certainly don’t look our ages and don’t act them. My wife says and I agree there’s nothing wrong with naughty fun if it’s not from coercion or force. When I had developed ED from a nerve damage from a stroke and related medication, the thing my wife demanded was that I got in excellent shape. She did too. That helped with my physical intimacy ability, but only a little. Those other kinky tools are a whole lot of fun and being in good shape keeps us active.
After prolonged use, vibrators can deaden nerves. They can also make it difficult to reach orgasm with a real live lover because of the rapidity with which you can orgasm with the artificial one.
Debra, vibrators don’t deaden nerves. And they make us more, not less, responsive in partnered sex because our bodies are used to arousal and orgasm. Realize that 75% of people with vulvas do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone — we need clitoral stimulation. There’s nothing wrong with speeding things along with the extra power of a vibrator. Many vibrator enthusiasts use them as part of sex play with their partner — it’s not an “either … or” situation.
Great article! Everybody still needs affection. The more I age myself the more I enjoy sex with my partner as well. You get to know your body much better and that makes it more passionate every time. Keep up the good work!
Just thought you would like to know. My partner and I are both in our 80″s and are just getting to know each other. Your article was very good, although we knew some of this, we are really now into the Sex without Penetration” . Life can still be very beautiful at any age.
Us too! I am just turning 71 and my wife is 68. For about year now we have rediscovered how great sex and intimacy can be. We now have the best sex of our lives. Not just how it used to be but much better! We are both now open to try things we never did before.
Hearing “I will do anything with you” in itself is incredibly hot! Words do matter. The other night when we were making love, we were getting cloce to cuming and I said to my wife
“Cum for me now!”. And WOW, she did, with one of the best orgasms she ever had. And the look on her face and the sound she made sent me over the edge.
So I degrees. For us what works in a quick summary.
—- Words. Talking to each other during sex and the next morning over our coffee we talk about the night before. Get over how uncomfortable it may be to talk dirty. The more you do the more comfortable it gets. Just hearing “Fuck me” can be real hot.
—- Using massage cream on the whole body. This is a real game changer. Go slow. When you think you are going slow, slow down even more. Just enjoy the feeling. It doesn’t matter if you are giving or receiving.
—- Dress up. Lingerie can be real sexy or just a well placed chain or necklace. And try making out in front of a mirror.
—- Some music. Create and maintain a playlist for making love.
—- Lighting. Soft mood lighting or a small flashlight to spotlight parts of the body or get a cloce intimate view to savor.
My wife came up with a saying that sums up our new intimacy.
“It’s like our soles touch”
When most people hear BDSM or Bondage it brings up thoughts of whips and chains. Not in a good way but a scary way.
What can be exciting is instead of a whip or handcuffs use your words. “How about you obeying my commands tonight?” Things like put your hands behind your back and kiss me all over. Or get on your knees and…… maybe something like close your eyes and don’t open them until I say so. These things can be very exciting and things you would have done anyway but now with a different twist.
The concept of “dirty” to be associated with sharing physical intimacy is puzzling, isn’t it? – Making love as an expression of affection, or sharing experiences that are pleasurable, ecstatic and deeply fulfilling. The idea that anything is “dirty” about it doesn’t seem to apply, as it is rather beautiful and natural. So while a turn-on for some, it has always rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended)………….The tantric paradigm has been welcomed to shed a more spiritual light onto human sexuality, bringing it out of shade into a context of celebration of love and pleasure, shared with another…………
I now have a 90-minute webinar on Sex Without Penetration, in case you’d like to learn more. For this one and all my webinars, see https://seniorplanet.org//betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2017/08/webinars-joan-prices-senior-sex-online.html.
The link I gave is incorrect. Here’s where to find this webinar and others:
I know this (a toy) would solve 50% of the sexual problems in our marriage. We are in our early 70’s and still get the urge several times a week but I just cannot get it up as often as she wants. She absolutely refuses to use a vibrator because she feels it’s “cheap, and cheesy”. among other thoughts. I know a well made, version would change her mind in one use but getting her to use it that one time is like finding a gold mine in my yard. Not very likely!!!!!
How do you get a sexually active woman, who really does crave a full vagina during sex, to go for a vibrator that first time??? I really need to know.
I was in the ED boat with you. This is not the most romantic thing so maybe get ready in the bathroom. Medicare pays for it to boot. Get yourself a good penis pump. It changed our sex lives. You put a constriction ring on a tube, lube up and pump up. When you are hard, and you will get hard, slip the ring off the tube and onto your penis. You can now hang a wet bath towel on it, or what ever else you may have on your mind.
Really, give it a try.
Could someone please tell me what a man enjoys if he cannot penetrate? What kind of motions does he need in order to orgasm? Should I tug or massage? I’m not sure. I’ve been looking for videos but it is so hard to find anything when there is no penetration.
Alexa, You and your guy should concentrate on oral pleasures and using the vib.
I just had Prostate Cancer surgery a couple of years ago which left me less able to get hard then I’d like, which means less penetration. What I’ve learned is that men don’t actually have to be rigid to come (thank God!).
I have no idea if I speak for “men” in general – and for this man, I can assure you that there is so much to enjoy, savor, celebrate: Kissing, talking, caressing, enjoying seeing my partner get aroused, using my hands/fingers, lips to give pleasure to my partner………….all this does not require an erection. In fact, watching and feeling my partner get aroused is a huge turn on all by itself. So for her to simply show me how much she enjoys the loving and caring attention, is a huge turn on to me. The obsession around erection and intercourse is like reducing a 10 course gourmet meal into wolfing down a hot dog (no pun intended)……………………..
My wife has never given me a bj. We’ve been married 35 years. Either she’s uncomfortable or doesn’t want to do it. Any ideas because I would perform oral on her.
Been married 36 years wife would never give me a bj until I found out she cheated on me 33 years ago
Initiate a non-threatening conversation – be gentle, loving and slow approaching the topic. Ask her if she feels comfortable talking, and ask her how you could make it safe and comfortable for her. Ask her to imagine engaging in sharing oral affection – and how she feels as she imagines it? ……………be patient and loving and once she feels safe and open, she may really enjoy experimenting and playing, discovering new ways of sharing affection and pleasure with her partner.
I have asked my wife if we could enjoy try oral sex’ one time and said never again. 36 years later things changed since’ Sorta’ she doesn’t enjoy it’ so I give her oral sex’ she loves it’ where does that put me now? Years later’ never tried oral with the same gender’ but now I have interest trying this’ discreetly. Does that make me a bad person? How does others handle this? Pls write me on this, being a senior how can I find a partner to try this with? Respectively Jim
Now I know why The Who wrote that line in the song my generation “things they do look awful cold hope I die before I get old
If you haven’t done oral on her, why do you expect her to do it on you?
Life is a challenge at any age. I didn’t like sex young but love it old. Go figure.
I thought it was worth mentioning that there’s a private group in Austin and San Fransisco that has a unique culture called sfc (sexual fox culture). It emphasizes friendship and sexuality without intercourse.
My husband and I have been married 32 years. I have forgiven him twice on when he has been with another woman. I do feel and know he would not cheat on me again.
Let me tell you a little bit about our sex life. Firstly, he is 63 and I am 61. Even when he was in his 30’s he has had erection problems. We usually have had sex every week for 32 years. I have to give him lots of foreplay. Recently, the last 4 months he says he just “isn’t feeling it” Even after taking Cialis, he has said this.
He does please himself. For me…I do love the part of penis penatration. I have a difficult time with my husband trying to please me orally. After so many years of me telling him what to do down there…he still cannot get it right. I have asked him why we are not having sex. He says he loves me but really just wants to “be surprised” …. “spontaneous “. So I try this and I end up pleasing him and I now haven’t had an orgasm in 4 months. He says he is not with anyone else and he loves me and me only. What is going on?
You might ask him about his porn use
My wife and I are both in our early 60s and began to have issues as we got older, some from medication. We were married in the very late 70s and both were young but somewhat experienced (those were the days) though we probably were novices next to people in their 20s today. But we open minded and have even used sex toys later including vibrators, a harness and a chastity appliance which is very naughty fun (yes, with a padlock and keys my wife hides when she’s in the mood!). Those things can be great aids to intimacy. I’d say we are pretty active, and I’ll add that relaxation and talking helps. We also take turns on the weekends pampering each other and just doing nice things for each other like making a day where one of us relaxes and the other draws a bath, makes lunch or a nice dinner (I’m a good cook). For example, before sheltering in place I had gone to the store, did all the shopping, put everything away, made an early dinner, drew a nice bath for my wife and then we had some wine and watched a movie.
This was an excellent article and very timely for me. However I have one question, what are some of the STD’s we should be aware of when having sex without penetration?
Yes! Great information and nicely put.
I found out how satisfying and delicious sex without intercourse could be a few years ago with a my first polyamorous lover who did not have permission from his fluid bonded group to have intercourse with me for a couple of years of our relationship. I have many fond memories of that satisfying sex we did have without any PIV sex – which I had previously thought of as the only real way to have sex with a man.
So grateful to have a much more diffuse definition of what sex is.
Now that I am in my early 60’s and without a steady partner, I find that sometimes just close sensual dancing is enough at times.
Nice summing up at the end of your article with that reminder that sex is that connection between people.
Joan, thanks for this. I am speaking about the elephant in the room – what we don’t talk about. These tips are great.
Joan, this is an excellent article and I suspect it is much needed.
I have not had penetration in many years, But I have invested in a sexual toy, so that when I get horny, I can use it.
Jacqueline, GREAT for you !! I too use the tool for taking care of business and it has never failed me! I feel sorry for other women who will not use this help for taking care of themselves, its a natural urge with an easy fix.