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Lubricants. Especially as we grow older, we all should be using lube for every kind of sexual contact: partner sex, solo sex, sex-toy sex (see A Senior’s Guide to Vibrators), and any kind of sex I might not have thought to mention. Lube puts the joy back in friction. But don’t rush to the drugstore to buy the most common brands – there’s a new world of lubricants out there that are safer and healthier for aging genitals. This guide will help you choose the right one(s) to enhance your sexual enjoyment and avoid discomfort.
Why We Need Lubricants as We Age
Female bodies Our genital tissues thin as we age because of a reduction in estrogen. This makes us more susceptible to discomfort during sex. The cushioning wetness that we used to experience when we were aroused has slowed or even stopped, and we may find penetration painful during partner sex or if we’re using sex toy. Even clitoral touching can be uncomfortable if we’re dry. What a cruel trick of nature that just when we need more moisture and slickness for comfort and pleasure, our bodies are providing less natural lubrication. Lubricant supplies the wetness you’re lacking, making any kind of external or internal touching or rubbing more pleasurable.
Male bodies Whether your penis is erect or soft or somewhere in between, lubricant adds to the pleasure of stimulation for both solo and partner sex. Now that you need to be stimulated for longer, it makes getting there more comfortable. Don’t wait until penetration to use lube – it enhances the experience from the beginning.
All bodies For anal penetration, lubricant is a must. The rectum does not lubricate on its own and never did. Use plenty of lube.
How to Choose the Right Lubricant – or Lubricants
You may think that anything that feels slick will work fine as a lubricant, whether you find it at the drugstore or in your kitchen. Not so. Different categories of lubricants work best or worst for different uses – which might mean you need several.
The ABCs of Lubricant Types
Silicone lubricants are best for sensitive genitals and are recommended for penetrative sex (including anal play); they’re compatible with condoms. Silicone lubes last longer than water-based ones. Do not use silicone lube with silicone sex toys.
Water-based lubricants are compatible with latex condoms and all sex toys, but dry up quickly. Water-based lube has the highest potential risk of irritation. Many – especially those most commonly found in drugstores, such as K-Y Jelly and Astroglide – contain ingredients that can irritate the vulva and vagina, worsen pelvic pain conditions, damage the cells of the vagina and rectum and lead to infections. (See “Avoid These Ingredients” below.)
Hybrid lubes are a blend of water-based and silicone. They’re safe with condoms and usually are compatible with silicone sex toys, too. Hybrids last longer than regular water-based lubricants and are more likely to stay slick. Choose a hybrid lubricant that does not contain the harmful ingredients listed in “Avoid These Ingredients” below.
Food oils and other plant-based oils are not recommended for vaginal lubrication, especially if you are prone to bacterial vaginosis or yeast infections. They speed up the growth of bacteria in the vagina and don’t flush out easily. Unrefined coconut oil may be the exception – many people report enjoying it without ill effects. Do not use coconut or any other food oil with condoms or other latex or polyisoprene barriers – oils cause breakage.
Petroleum-based lubricants such as mineral oil or Vaseline should never be used internally since they irritate the vagina and rectal lining, promote bacterial growth that can lead to infections and do not clear out of the body easily. They’re okay for external use during male masturbation. Do not use with condoms and other latex barriers – they cause breakage.
So, silicone lube is best for sensitive genitals during partner sex with or without condoms, and during solo sex, but not if you’re using a silicone sex toy. Coconut oil is okay for silicone toys but not with condoms. Water-based lube is okay with silicone toys and condoms, but you have to make sure it passes the ingredients test. What should you do?
- Learn the ABCs of which lubes do and don’t work for what kind of use
- Learn which ingredients to avoid (see below) and read the ingredients of any lube that you buy
- Buy from local or online sexuality-products retailers that emphasize education and body-safe ingredients, have a reputation for teaching their customers and only sell products that they endorse. See the recommended retailers in the right-hand column of my blog for suggestions.
- Explore different lubes by buying samples so you can discover which work best for you. Here are some sources for sampler kits:
Ellen Barnard, co-owner of A Woman’s Touch, says older women can benefit from keeping two different types of lube on hand:
- A moisturizing lubricant for keeping the vulva and vagina healthy and slightly moisturized, such as Sliquid Organics Silk and Liquid Assets. Use daily as needed for comfort – sex or no sex.
- A sealing lubricant, which typically is made of medical grade silicone – Überlube is one example – to seal in moisture and protect the skin to prevent tearing from friction during penetrative sex.
Avoid These Ingredients
Lubricants are great, but some are made with ingredients that are bad for you, especially if you have sensitive skin, pelvic pain or susceptibility to urinary tract or vaginal infections. Read the ingredients and avoid these, according to Sarah Mueller, lube specialist at the Smitten Kitten, and Barnard at A Woman’s Touch:
- Propylene glycol
- Chlorhexidine gluconate
- Mineral oil
- Petrolatum (petroleum jelly)
“People may find that the more they use a drugstore-brand lube, the more they notice side effects like itching, burning, stickiness or delayed symptoms like increased instances of bacterial vaginosis or yeast infection,” says Mueller. “This is because many drugstore-brand lubricants contain ingredients that actually damage the mucous membranes of the vulva, vagina and rectum. Depending on the formulation, some products can negatively affect vaginal pH, kill the healthy bacteria of the vagina or cause the outermost layer of skin on a mucous membrane to die and slough off, leaving the body more vulnerable to any type of infection.”
Look for These Ingredients
Barnard recommends choosing lubricants with one or more of these ingredients (she suggests testing any lubricant on the inside of your arm first if you tend to be sensitive):
- Aloe vera, which is moisturizing – but if you’re allergic to onions or garlic, avoid Aloe vera.
- Hyaluronic Acid, a moisturizing ingredient, but not very slippery.
- Plant cellulose (it may be called hydroxyethylcellulose or cellulose polymer), which makes lubes slippery and moisturizing, and adds body.
- Vitamin E, a good skin conditioner, but too waxy to use on its own.
- Dimethicone or dimethiconol, a good sealant to keep moisture in and protect from tearing.
Here are some resources to learn more about the ingredients in lubricants:
- What’s in Your Lube? Ingredients
- Choosing a water-based lube
- Interview with Sarah Mueller at Sexational
- Interview with Ellen Barnard at Alternet
Don’t be dismayed if this seems like a high learning curve. Choose a progressive, education-focused retailer, and the job is already mostly done.
“Finding the right lube is like finding the right partner,” Mueller says. “It makes any sexual activity better, safer and more pleasurable, and is a very subjective, personal choice.
Once you’ve found your favorites, keep them within reach and use them joyfully! Apply lube slowly and erotically, making it part of your sex play. Lubricants are sexy! Their whole purpose is to enhance your sexual pleasure.
Read “A Senior’s Guide to Vibrators” on Senior Planet
Joan Price writes the monthly Sex at Our Age post for Senior Planet, answering reader questions about senior sex topics. If you have a question for Joan, please email them to firstname.lastname@example.org. (Personally identifying information will be strictly confidential.)
Photo: Courtesy of Lucky Bloke
CAVEAT EMPTOR! Everyone here should rely on physician (gynecologist or urologist) -based advice, as much of this content is highly suspect.Senior Planet should Not be practicing medicine without a license. Self referral back to its website does not constitute proper response to questions regarding significant genital symptoms such as vaginal pain.
I don’t consider information from Senior Planet to be medical advice.
My mom is rediscovering her sexuality after her divorce so I want to show I support her by buying her a sex toy. Thanks as well for discussing the importance of coconut oil as a lubricant especially for those who are prone to infections. I’ll remember to add this when I pick one good piece of equipment for older women.
I am 65,my wife is 56.I am in to forced celibacy for the last 5/6 years as my wife feels sex to be painful because of dryness.
suggest something. Including vibrators.
My wife, shortly to turn 78, still wets up like a horny 20 year old. It surprises her, it surprises me. She would never dream of using lubricant.
Good for you and good for your wife. Why you feel the need to brag about this here is beyond me. You say, “She would never dream of using a lubricant” as if that is such a horrible thing. Those of us women who NEED a lubricant don’t need your comment. Hang on, buddy. Your wife isn’t getting any younger.
Seniors’ Guide to Vibrators has been updated and is now at this link: https://seniorplanet.org/ask-joan-seniors-vibrators/. You’ll find lots of new recommendations!
I have frequent yeast and then UTI What is the best lubricant for these issues. I’m 70 and very sexually active with a 57 year old man.
According to recently published articles, urologists are saying that Frequent UTI’s directly related to sex in post menopausal women can be suppressed by taking over the counter supplements. D-Mannose 500mg twice daily along with Vitamin C 500mg also x2/ day prevent bacteria from clumping and adhering to the bladder wall. This regimen should ideally be started before having sex and continued for at least x2days after. Along with drinking lots of water immediately after having sex, and washing the genital area from front to back, staying well hydrated might just do the trick. Some women may need to also take a single dose of Bactrim, which has to be prescribed by your doctor. Ask your gynecologist or urologist about this and if they don’t know what you’re talking about – ask them to please look it up. This is working and so much better than having to take full treatment for UTI’s, not to mention screwing up your sex life. If you’re lucky enough to be having sex as a postmenopausal woman, don’t let this problem ruin your sex life! It works.
How do silicone based lubricants affect the absorption of vaginal estrogen creams?
My husband and I have have never used a vibrator but since it takes me so long to reach an orgasum we were thinking about trying a vibrator. I am 72 years old and my husband is 65 years old. Being senior citizens we are wanting to try new things that work for us both in our senior years. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Start here, Claudia: https://seniorplanet.org/the-seniors-guide-to-vibrators/. Then read my vibrator reviews at https://seniorplanet.org//www.NakedAtOurAge.com.
for me the space explorer 9 v vibrating egg is way better than a penis shaped one since i only come thru clit and with prolapse things inside e aren’t good.
I’ve learned that Coconut Oil is not good for the vagina at all.
curious about if using a condom is better because of less friction?? Would this make it more comfortable for a woman?… thanks , william
What can be done for painful intercourse? My vagina just does not stretch to accommodate the penis. I use lots of coconut oil lube and it’s great for stimulation of the clitoris and having an orgasm that way. Is estrogen cream the only way to help my vaginal tissue heal and have good penetration?
Enid, instead of trying to guess a treatment for vaginal pain, you need to find out what’s causing it. There could be a variety of causes, each one needing a different kind of treatment. See https://seniorplanet.org/painful-sex-where-to-go-for-help/ for more information on this topic.
I’m 69need a good lub havnent had sex 15 years
Yes coconut oil works well in all places, smells good, good for the skin and works very well for oral sex with no chemicals to worry about.
We see that SYLK contains vegetable glycerine and you have glycerin at the top of your “Avoid These Ingredients” list. Is all-vegetable gliycerine as potentially problematic as USP glycerin, where we don’t know if it has animal or vegetable origins?
There isn’t much research explicitly on this, and I haven’t found anything that actually tells me why this is, but vegetable glycerine increases osmolality much less than synthetic glycerine. Glycerin on it’s own, objectively, is not necessarily harmful, but when used in lubricants it’s about the amount of glycerin used and the effect that has on the osmolality. At this point it’s getting easier and easier to find glycerin-free lubes, but also avoiding lubes that have glycerin in the first 4 ingredients helps in avoiding lubricants that have so much glycerin that they become seriously hyper-osmotic. Also, most synthetic glycerines don’t specify if they are a byproduct of plants, animal fats, or biodiesel, making it hard for the consumer to really know what is in the lubricant that they’re using.
I have a question about ED and lubricants. Can a product like KY for men actually make the ED problem worse?
I’m not a man, but in my experience as a woman, I know that TOO much lube can be a big problem, from not enough friction to just kinda sliding across the room. I’d check the ingredients. It’s possible the KY for men might be meant for younger guys who have to think about their grandmas to keep from coming too soon. It might have a numbing agent which YOU DON”T WANT! I know I wouldn’t want it inside ME! Good luck and be safe out there…
I am not 100% sure what product you’re referring to… If they it’s the K-Y Duration Spray for Men, I don’t think that it would make an ED problem worse in a long-term-health capacity, but I don’t think it would help, either. It contains some ingredients that could definitely be irritating, along with Lidocaine, which is a numbing agent, so this product would be better for someone who ejaculates sooner than they’d like, as opposed to someone who has difficulty achieving or maintaining erection. ED is always a symptom of a larger health issue, so lube use probably wouldn’t effect the progression of ED on a body with a penis very drastically. Lube can be helpful in penetration without having a completely stiff erection, however.
Tom, I’m 74 and have not found anything better for me than baby oil. Feels good, easy clean up.
I see that Sylk Natural Intimate Moisturiser is available on the NHS. Is this one you would recommend. I am 70 and looking at couple sex lubrication
I have a question that didn’t seem to be addressed. When loving my partner with my mouth, i have used an organic massage oil, which lubricates better than saliva and isn’t toxic if i swallow some of it. It works very well, very nicely, but i have very little idea of what’s in it. I bought it at my local organic grocery. If no side effects (i have been using it for two years now) would you say it’s safe? Thanks very much for this informative and helpful article.
Stephanie, I would ask the organic grocery for the ingredients in the massage oil. (Print out this article to show them.)
If they can’t provide the list of ingredients, it might be best to switch to a lubricant that you know has only safe ingredients.
Thanks for posting your question,
Just plain coconut oil! organic of course. cook with it too! My husband loves it; it’s not as slick as some lubes we’ve used. It has a touch more friction which helps both of us. And BOY! talk about cheap! I put it in a small plastic container so there’s no more grabbing the bottle and flipping it open then squeezing it, then getting too much. It’s the perfect solution and smells yummy. very good for the skin as well.
i concur that coconut oil is by far the best lubricant, and as close to the feel of your body’s own lubricant as you can get!! not only is it safe (after all, you can use it in cooking and ingest in spoonfuls as well).. it stays on the surface and doesn’t absorb totally into the skin…so the sensation can linger for a long time…plus it tastes and smells great!!
Can you insert coconut oil in your vagina? Is this safe to do before having sex to lube your vagina