COMMENTS

7 responses to “Ask Joan: Online Dating Minefield vs. Paid Escorts”

1. I wish I could meet the man who continues to meet alcoholic women. My present partner met me 5 years ago online and was put off by my statement that I did not drink. He suspected I had a previous problem with it but I have actually never had a hangover in my life. I will have the occasional beer or glass of wine but rarely go to the second; I find it does nothing for me. I’m already outgoing and socially comfortable and I’ve been able to have very nice uninhibited sex (long ago) without any help from drugs or alcohol. My man is very good to me and expresses appreciation for me in everything I do. He compliments me often about how good I look and has said things like I’m in the top 1% of women my age. BUT WE HAVE VERY LITTLE INTIMACY! We were both cautious in the beginning, both with too much history behind us and not wanting to screw up another one. We became good friends and never had sex for 4 months. I was proud of myself as that was the longest time ever for me. I thought our beginning sex was good; he expressed that he was very satisfied and pleasantly surprised at how good it felt and he had no performance issues. Due to the fact I lived with daughter and granddaughters in a small place just our schedules, very busy, we had infrequent sex after that. There were a couple of times in that early period that I went over to his place, we were alone, yet, he did nothing to initiate sex. I began helping him coach a girl’s softball team and continued for 2 years helping him! We would go out of town or get a hotel room about every 3 or 4 months. I would say in the past 3 years we have not had sex more than 10 times and I am concerned. Being post-menopausal, I got a prescription for vaginal estrogen cream to help thicken my vaginal lining. The doctor told me that both sex or using a vibrator would help and I told my boyfriend that. Since then, I can’t remember to use the cream because he seldom initiates sex. I’ve come to tears over this and he likes to say, “I’m old; I just don’t need sex as much.” I will let that go for awhile; I’m never horny but I feel like I’m starving for intimacy. We seldom argue until I bring up that I am feeling bad that he doesn’t seem interested. We’ve had plenty of nights with no one else in the house and he turns his way and I turn mine. He doesn’t pet me, stroke me or cuddle me. He is such a wonderful man in every other way; very intelligent and positive. He gives more affection to my cats than to me. About alcohol, he has stated, “You’re the only girlfriend I’ve ever had that doesn’t like to drink. I don’t like to drink alone.” So I try to drink with him and it just makes me sleepy; it does NOTHING positive for my libido. From all his stories, it seems he had quite a sexual past and some crazy sex. I am thinking that I’m just too straight; I want sex combined with love. I am wondering if at 67 years old, I should put myself out there. I don’t want to! The last time we had sex, it was frustrating because we don’t “practice” enough; it had been months and my vagina was too dry; I had a hard time getting “there” without the vibrator. After spending a lot of time down on him, I felt hurt it wasn’t returned which makes me think there’s something else wrong with me. This is affecting my self-esteem. It has made me very inhibited for fear of rejection.

   Reply to kathy Bonham

   1. Kathy, I’d love to address the issues you bring up. If you copy and paste this comment into an email to sexpert@seniorplanet.org, I’ll respond in a future column.

      Reply to Joan Price

      1. As a married man who’s wife has told him “you deserve more” and “you need to get a lover or hire an escort'” nether of which I really want to do!
         But I am so frustrated and lonely that I am considering it. Question is, where do you find these partners? Looks like to me you have lots of people who need to find each other. What sites do you suggest?
         Thank you
         Daryl

2. Ever since I first heard Ms. Price on a podcast many years ago her wisdom and advice resonated with good common sense. Again, she is spot on with the advice she has given Mr. Dating Minefield. While alcohol is often referred to as a “social lubricant” drinking to excess to engage in sex , or on a regular basis, is indeed a problem. Even in our later years it’s important to be persistent, selective, and not settle when it comes to our own happiness.

   Reply to Randy Cardona

3. I feel for this guy in his string of bad luck linking up with women who have alcohol-related problems. I applaud Joan Price’s suggestion concerning how he might rephrase his dating profile to attract the sort of partner he seeks. I also applaud him for his willingness to have his sexual needs met by escorts, and his observation that they are “very nice women” (since they are too often denigrated in public discourse). Many of us men who are widowed or divorced late in life struggle to find a partner with whom we resonate, both sexually and in other important ways. “Dating Minefield” strikes me as a decent fellow who seeks a genuine, loving connection. Like Joan Price, I was taken by his expressed desire for not just a sexual, but a romantic and emotional connection, and I trust that with Joan’s typical sage advice he will find such a person.

   Reply to Mac Marshall

   1. I too feel for this man. He comes across as a caring person with a lot to offer the right person. I hope he continues his search.

      I’m about to turn 67 and feel fortunate to have found the love of my life on an internet dating site a year ago: it’s a daunting process putting yourself out there on these sites but my experience was very positive.

      Reply to Barb

4. Alcoholism is rampant and ignored in our society. Sobriety is socially unacceptable and ridiculed. Few are brave enough to confront this disease within themselves.

   Reply to Tony