Sex & Relationships

Ask Joan: More Quickies!

senior couple

Normally, my Sex at Our Age column presents one detailed reader question and my detailed answer. Occasionally I switch it up to give you “Quickies”: a few short questions and answers. You always enjoy these, so here’s another round!

First Time with New Man Hurt

Q #1: My husband of 39 years passed away three years ago. I met a younger man. I like him and I’m attracted to him, but the first time hurt. This was my first sex since my husband. We still want to try. I picked up lubricant for vaginal dryness. I would like this to work because he makes me feel sexy and attractive. I am 69 and my husband was my only lover.

 A: Yes, you need a high-quality lubricant and plenty of arousal time to get your vagina ready for penetration. But suppose instead of making intercourse the goal, you decided just to pleasure each other. Take turns exploring each other’s arousal and orgasms.

If intercourse was pleasurable before but it hurts now, there may be several reasons.

If intercourse was pleasurable before but it hurts now, there may be several reasons. You haven’t had sex for three years, and your genitals need gentle awakening. You’re likely experiencing performance anxiety: you worry that you won’t be able to accept or enjoy a new lover’s penis, and your vagina responds by refusing admission. Take the pressure off by pleasuring each other without expectation of intercourse for now.

I strongly recommend that you read my book, Sex After Grief Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved, which answers all these questions, plus some you didn’t know you had!

I’m Jealous and She’s Promiscuous

Q #2:  I’m 62. My wife, 67, says she’s not interested in sex anymore, although I am. However, she speaks sexually to other men, I found Meetville in her Pinterest account. I’m ready to leave. She says my penis size isn’t the issue, but swoons over any large-handed man in her proximity. A therapist, two years into our marriage, said we shouldn’t be together. I’m jealous and she’s promiscuous.

A: You have decided your wife is promiscuous because she’s not interested in sex with you, she follows a dating site on Pinterest, and she finds men with large hands appealing? Is there any evidence that she actually has sex with other men? I’m seeing indications of fantasy, but no evidence of promiscuity.

Whether she has sex with others or just fantasizes about it, she doesn’t want sex with you. It’s unlikely that this is related to penis size. Have you considered that your jealousy and accusations are making you a less desirable sex partner in her eyes? You don’t say how long ago the therapist told you your marriage was doomed or what you’ve done to fix the problems. It might be time to dissolve this marriage, because you’re making each other miserable. If you want to save it, you’ll need a good couples’ counselor.

Why No Climax?

Q #3: My husband drives me crazy, he is so desirable. I get super excited, and I’m never dry at age 56. But I don’t climax! He tries oral, it’s great. He tries intercourse, it feels wonderful. He rubs my clitoris, I love it, but still no climax How can we fix this? I’m not on any meds except insulin for type 2 diabetes.

 A: Until the end of your question, I was going to recommend my column on Easier Orgasms. Then you mentioned insulin for type 2 diabetes. Diabetes can cause nerve damage and reduced sensitivity in the clitoris, interfering with a woman’s ability to orgasm. Low blood sugars can also prevent orgasms. WebMD mentions a study which found that “women who took insulin for diabetes were 80% more likely to have trouble reaching an orgasm than women who don’t have diabetes.” Please talk to your doctor, who can help you find a solution.

Resources:

Orgasms, but No Ejaculation

Q #4: My 70-year-old husband of 35 years and I have always enjoyed our intimacy. Three years ago, he started having difficulty ejaculating. If we kept trying, it finally worked. Then ejaculation stopped totally. He gets erections, and we can have every form of sex for hours. But no ejaculation! He does have orgasms, but nothing comes out. We have tried toys, porn, all kinds of sex. He has an enlarged prostate, but tests check out okay. Even though he totally enjoys sex, this lack of total release sometimes angers and demoralizes him.

 A: Let’s clarify: your husband is having orgasms, and they happen to be “dry orgasms”: orgasms without ejaculation. This is common in older men. Realize that orgasm occurs in the brain; ejaculation occurs in the penis. Orgasm without ejaculation is no less satisfying, and lack of ejaculate is not a defect. There can be several possible causes, so your husband should ask his doctor to rule out a medical issue. Educate yourself about dry orgasms, and enjoy them!

Resources:

Have a question about senior relationships, sex and intimacy?  Every month Senior Planet’s award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Subscribe now (do it here) and don’t miss a single column. Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! 

Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter

 

 

COMMENTS

3 responses to “Ask Joan: More Quickies!

  1. Thanks for your insightful answers Joan. I would just like to remind people that the addition of suitable vibrators can be wonderful and very helpful in bringing pleasure to both females and males. My wife is 69 and I’m 70 and at first she was hesitant, but now she is a real advocate and to be honest, it’s made it easier for me too. We both have found that lube and vibrators add so much to our sexual intimacy. We were using the Magic Wand and it just didn’t have the oomph needed, so we switched to the Doxy. The Doxy is truly remarkable with plenty of power to spare. There is also lube from FORIA that has helped my wife orgasm easier and it smells and tastes great. So much to explore and so little time. Ha!!!

  2. Regarding ‘ Orgasms, but No Ejaculation ‘ Joan, it’s not that simple, In our case, this just started and I checked with my Dr who said ” just consider yourself lucky that you can have penetration…at your age ”. I thoroughly enjoy my dry orgasms, but my wife feels that she has not ‘satisfied me ‘.
    My, how the tables have turned from how I felt 60 years ago when I fumbled around and it was her who didn’t climax. We solved that issue but now, when I try to explain that my non ejaculation is a normal issue with an old guy, she is a bit dubious. We are not goal oriented, but I must admit, that final release of fluids was very pleasurable, and when it does happen, on occasion, I say ”thank you God, for one more time ” My orgasms are as enjoyable without ejaculation and being angry or getting demoralized about something that is a normal part of aging, is a waste of time….IMHO.

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