COMMENTS

20 responses to “Ask Joan: Men’s Group Activity”

1. I am a 65 year old male, married and sexually faithful for over 30 years.
   I love my wife but we have not had sex in over 25 years. She lost all sex drive after children, basically zero interest. I I have always had to masterbate to relieve myself of sexual tension. I aways kept it secret. A few years ago my doctor said my prostate was full and to maintain good health I should consider ejaculating 21 times a month. Apparently there were studies that backed this up.
   It took a few days to work up the courage to tell my wife about what the doctor told me, but I did. I told her that as long as she was ok with me openly masturbating that I would have no expectations for her to have sex with me. She agreed. I was never so relieved in my entire life. I was glad I was open (finally) and honest and felt a great burden of guilt had been lifted regarding secret masturbation. I am civil about it and tell her I’m going to do a “prostate workout” and she knows what I mean. I do watch porn but she is unaware. I keep that secret because I know she doesn’t like it. I now masturbate 1-2 times a day without the guilt. Although I wish I could make love and ejaculate in my wifes vagina, that’s not going to happen. Although not an ideal situation I guess it could be worse, so I’m thankful for that. Reading your article helped me realize that other people experience similar issues.
   Thank you

   Reply to John

2. Good one Joan,

   Such a common problem, unfortunately. “If only they could have a conversation … ” is about as realistic as “If only they could win the lottery”. Such a stark change to decades of communication habits requires really dedicated hard work. Often it is not worth the effort for many people because the kind of sex they have or used to have has become boring, mundane, repetitive, and at times, downright unpleasant. When I suggest to clients that it is the kind of sex they are having that is boring – i.e. what they are doing – not that sex is boring that begins to open up possibilities. Most people are doing exactly or with minor variations what they did when they first met or first began to have sex. It rarely changes even if it was only average to start with. Talking about it is almost impossible as folks do not want to risk what they do have for some airy fairy promise of what they might have.

   However all parties need to decide to do that work of learning new ways of listening to each other and touching each other and building communication into their erotic life for it to be worthwhile. Compromises such as the one referred to here, and the ones in the responses, make sense if the effort required for change is perceived as just too hard.

   While sex in our larger culture is seen as something great, it is usually only in the movies and books where this is actually so. The relief of ejaculation or orgasm is often great but the sex itself is ho-hum. So the rgeat part of sex becomes the few seconds of orgams and then that’s the end of it until the next slightly tawdry session. Which is why TV Netflix and other entertainments are appreciated and do so well because they are easier than making that effort.

   Thanks

   Reply to Dr Peter Howie

3. First let me say that I’m a widow, and I was married 32 years before my husband passed. I’m also a person who understands that dissolving a marriage because of sexual issues after many, many years is not an attractive option for most people. Hence, most people will look for other solutions (affairs, porn, etc.) rather than divorce or separation because sex is that important to them.

   But I am confused as to WHY men frustrated in their marriages would feel it necessary to masturbate in front of other men. Conversation about their common problem, yes I understand that, but MASTURBATING in front of other men? I think that the more I read (not just here but in other places) the more I think a lot of men are at the very least voyeurs-by-nature and quite possibly more bi-sexual than they care to openly admit. This is not a criticism, just an observation on my part. If it works for them, so be it. I can honestly say that I have never heard about women doing the same thing … sitting around talking about how their husbands have dropped the ball with sex, then hoisting their skirts and fingering themselves in front of the other women.

   Reply to Lynn

   1. Well I know a women’s book club dedicated to erotica and sex toys that usually involves group masturbation so yes, there are women out there in similar situations. Look up Betty Dodson as another very healthy example of women sharing their sexuality together.

      Reply to Kelly

4. Sorry for your difficult situation. My guess is that most in that circle jerk are learning from each other. Support like that helps one figure out what they DO want.

   If my partner really wants to help me achieve orgasms, then something like, “Please show my hands what you like,” would be way more effective than “Tell me.” The ears are the route to our biggest sex organ, the brain. But sometimes we need to override the thinker in there.

   Reply to Ellen Marshall

   1. “Please show my hands what you like” — that’s wonderful!

      Reply to Joan Price

5. I consider myself fortunate at the age of 66.
   This year I met the love of my life on a dating site; we both had unhappy marriages and thought we would be alone during our more senior years.

   Our sex life is the best we have ever had. We are well matched with high libidos and make love at least once a day.

   We talk about what we enjoy and what turns us on and believe the key is open and honest communication.

   Reply to Barb W

6. I am like many/most men, left to our own solo solutions after menopause. No reflection on the wives, it is not their fault, but our sexual urges continue on almost to death.
   So we all or most end up taking the problem in hand and that keeps us sane. I will be forever grateful to the internet for opening up a whole new world of sexual arousal and release.
   My wife knows, understands, and supports what i do and never complains and I never deny or lie about what I need to do. I am simply “busy”.
   I love my wife deeply and I will be forever grateful to her.

   Reply to JohnB

7. Sounds interesting. Please let me know how to join in.

   Reply to Keith Powell

8. What’s being overlooked is that when someone has lost interest in sex for whatever reason, talking about it is the ideal way to some sort of solution, but asking someone who truly isn’t interested to participate in any way can be repugnant. It seems hard to imagine after 50 years in a reasonably happy relationship, that anyone would choose to leave and start over just for sex, but we all know it’s happened. I can’t imagine leaving someone I cared for deeply because they were no longer interested in sex, and I’m guessing it happens just as much to men as to women.

   Reply to LS Nelson

9. I have met very few men and even fewer women that I think would be able to participate in such a conversation. I was actually in that kind of relationship for a while and no conversation regarding our sexual relationship was ever tolerated. He would just say, I don’t want to talk about it…and leave the room, the conversation or sometimes, he’d go out the front door!

   Reply to Charlotte

10. Hi Joan,
    My first reaction after looking at the hands was that they belonged to someone who worked hard and lived well. After reading the text, I saw hands asking for help. What a terrible predicament . After 50 years, his wife refuses to discuss , with her ‘” over sexed ‘” man, a very big problem with their marriage. At this stage in their lives, I am not hopeful of a mutual satisfactory solution. Good luck with that.
    Re the masturbation, of course it is all right, and with toys like the Hot Octopus Pulse Duo….will be a most pleasurable outlet . Maybe his wife would watch and get some relief that she has been released from ” her duty “. As far as the men’s group masturbation, I am not comfortable. Almost smacks of exhibitionism….solo, or with a partner is just fine but after all, sex is generally a private matter…..

    Reply to Dave 81

    1. Dave, try it you might like it! lol Actually, I kinda feel the same way but might be willing with the right group personalities.

       Reply to Justin Tindall

       1. Last time I ‘ tried it ‘ was at a boys camp in 1953. A bunch of 12 year olds
          in a contest to see who ‘ shot ‘ the furthest. Absolutely no desire to join a group at this stage of my life. Having too much fun with my life mate.

    2. Hi Dave
       I agree with your comments wholeheartedly. It doesn’t bode well for a couple married for so long to find a mutually acceptable solution. All of the comments by the man’s partner are very negative, and in my opinion quite hurtful. The ‘art of communication’ is lost (or was never present) in their relationship.

       Reply to BarbW

11. He is basically doing what I had to do 90% of the time in my marriage. Husband was loving, liked to cuddle, but when it came to intercourse…it was over in 3 or 4 thrusts. We both enjoyed oral, but he didn’t seem to be able to listen to me and change anything he did while down there…I would often fake it and wait for him to go to sleep so I could take care of myself. We had both been married before…him when he was very young and a virgin. I suspect his ex was as naive as him, and they didn’t address his problem or even know how to. I lived with this man…sexually frustrated for over 30 years. When I went through menopause in my early 40s and started experiencing vaginal thinning and pain…it was almost a blessing. I didn’t have to continue with faking it, and as long as I gave him a orgasm through oral or a hand job, he was fine with the arrangement.

    Reply to Mary

    1. Mary, it sounds like you found someone actually very selfish on the inside, when it comes to one of, if not, the greatest pleasures in living!

       Reply to Justin

    2. Mary it sounds as if you don’t have a happy relationship. To state that ‘…..was as naive as him’ smacks of resentment and a long held dislike for your husband.
       How sad that you have had to pretend to orgasm for so long.
       You mention ‘his problem’; wow! I think you both have a problem.

       Reply to BarbW

12. Well, the photo was a handy choice for a hands-on topic…

    I agree with Joan Price that there’s nothing wrong with masturbation—solo or in a group—and that the primary problem in the case at hand (…) is a lack of open, honest, caring communication between the spouses. I hope for his sake that this gentleman will be able to achieve a satisfactory discussion with his wife.

    Reply to Keith Marshall

    1. I agree with you. Open and frank discussion is needed and an understanding that guys have to cum. I have met a couple of like situation friends for weekly discussion and release . No harm done

       Reply to Caspen