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A reader writes:

I read with interest your article “A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse.” My wife and I are in our early sixties. Slowly over the past year, I have developed difficulty getting an erection. I thought that my sex life would be over if this happened, but I am surprised to be mistaken. I am probably more aroused by my beautiful wife than I was 30 years ago. She is fantastic and even just the sight of her arouses me – yet I am unable to get fully erect.

“I am worried that my wife isn’t getting as much pleasure as I am..”

My wife and I have discussed this and tried several things that you suggest in your article. This has been wonderful, but I am worried that my wife isn’t getting as much pleasure as I am. Apart from my erectile dysfunction, our non-penetrative sex causes me to ejaculate quickly before I have had the chance to stimulate her enough to get her to orgasm.

Helpless about Pleasuring Her

For example, we always had oral sex before penetration, with me the giver and my wife the receiver. This has suited us perfectly as foreplay. Stimulating her orally is very arousing to me as well as her, maybe more so. The sensation of the feel, the scent, and the taste of her drives me to orgasm before I manage to get her to orgasm. I am embarrassed and feel helpless about pleasuring her. When I get near to climax, I ask her to stop because I want to get her to orgasm at the same time or even before I do. But she is intent on pleasuring me as well and doesn’t want to stop when I ask her to.

I get aroused and ejaculate so quickly that our bedtime exploits consist of her not reaching orgasm, with me beside her in soaking pants. I am hoping you can advise me.

• Quick Orgasm and It’s Over

Joan replies:

My big question for you: Why do you stop the sexual activity after you reach orgasm? Wanting your wife to orgasm at the same time or before you do just gives you both anxiety and accomplishes nothing except depriving your wife of her orgasm! Your penis may feel done, but that’s not how you were pleasuring her anyway. Your mouth and hand still work even after you climax. Use them!

“Your mouth and hand still work even after you climax…”

It must be jarring for your wife if she’s getting turned on by you orally and you ask her to stop. If she’s enjoying the pleasure that you and she receive, she’s likely in the zone where stopping is the last thing she wants. If you climax first, fine, take a few minutes to cuddle and caress her and whisper sexy words as you enjoy your afterglow. Then get back to the action of pleasing her orally, manually, with a vibrator, or whatever she wants.

Another option to try: Give yourself a solo orgasm before sex with your wife, with or without her watching and assisting. You won’t have another orgasm quickly after that, and you’ll be able to focus on her pleasure without worrying about getting carried away by your own.

Start talking

Most important: talk about it. Some possible ways to start the conversation:

• I’m so aroused by you that I can’t delay my orgasm. What would you like me to do for you after I come, so that your pleasure doesn’t have to stop?
• Giving you oral sex is my favorite thing to do. What’s your favorite? Help me know how to please you.
• Is there a vibrator you’d like me to use on you? Or may I watch when you use one on yourself?

You know very well that an erection is not necessary for your pleasure, for her pleasure, or even for your own orgasm – you’ve discovered that. Likewise, your orgasm is not a reason to stop the sex play. Wanting her to come first just isn’t realistic, given your arousal and speedy orgasms.

Accept yourself as you are. The problem isn’t that you orgasm first — the problem is that you see that as the end of the sexual encounter. Let go of your goals of who has to have the first climax, or wishing for that elusive simultaneous orgasm. Instead, focus on giving and receiving sensation and pleasure for their own sake. I think you’ll both be happier!

Resources about non-penetrative sex:

• “A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse,” by Joan Price, Senior Planet
• “Sex Without Intercourse: A Hot Option for Lovers of All Ages” by Michael Castleman, Psychology Today
• “Great Sex Without Penetration,” webinar with Joan Price
• “Sex without Penetration: A Man’s View” by Shamus MacDuff

Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+

Joan Price is the author of several self-help books about senior sex including her newest, “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.” Visit Joan’s website and blog and her Facebook page. For senior sex news and tips, subscribe to Joan’s free newsletter.