Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org

“Wanting to Please My Wife” 

I’m 80 and my wife is 74. Like many men advanced in age, my ability to get an erection decreased over time. We used Viagra for a while, but the side effects were more than we were willing to accept. Eventually we quit trying and gave up on intercourse. My wife always helps me to reach orgasm about once a week. She, however, has not had sexual pleasure for probably five years.

I have become interested in cunnilingus and have read several books on the subject. I did not know that so many people use oral sex as a replacement for the more normal, old-fashioned,penetrative sex.

My question is this: can we get her to reach orgasm after years of no sexual activity? What are the pitfalls to our achieving some pleasure from oral sex at our ages? Thanks for any help and encouragement.

– Wanting to Please My Wife

Joan Price Responds:

As you’ve discovered, you are capable of sexual pleasure and orgasm without an erection or intercourse. So is your wife! I’m a little startled that you haven’t experimented with ways to give her sexual pleasure over the last five years, but I’m glad you wrote, and it’s never too late to learn. No, there are no pitfalls to learning new techniques to please her.

You didn’t say how your wife helps you reach orgasm. I imagine it’s with her hand, her mouth, or both. You can do the same for her. Most women experience orgasm more easily with fingers, mouth, or a vibrator than through partner intercourse anyway. Oral sex isn’t a “replacement” for penetrative sex – it’s an arousing, often orgasmic experience all its own! I encourage you to see cunnilingus and all other sexual stimulation techniques as normal and delightful – whether or not penetrative sex can happen.

Here are some recommended books to help you learn to pleasure your wife:

“How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know” by Lou Paget

“She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman” by Ian Kerner

“The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure” 2nd ed. by Violet Blue

No techniques from a book can help you as much as your wife telling or showing you what arouses her. Every woman is different in what she likes and how she likes it. You might try approaching her in one of these ways:

•  “You give me so much pleasure when you bring me to orgasm. I’d like to do the same for
  you. Can you help me know what would arouse you?”
•  “I’d love to arouse you with my mouth, if you’d like that. Please guide me because I’m
  new at this and I want it to be good for you.”
•  “Help me know how to excite you. Tell me ‘softer,’ ‘harder,’ ‘faster,’ ‘slower,’ and give
  me directional signals, please.”

If she feels uncomfortable instructing you, try telling her, “Take a look at these books that a sex educator recommended. Bookmark anything that you’d enjoy having me do for you.”

Besides learning cunnilingus, I hope you’ll explore sex toys with your wife. They’re not really “toys” – they’re orgasm tools. Don’t select one for her, because you can’t be sure what she’d like. Instead, if you’re in a city that has a progressive, education-based sex toy shop, take her there and let her pick out whatever she’d like. If there’s no woman-friendly sex toy shop nearby,
my blog has links to several online stores that I endorse. You can read my sex toy reviews there, too.

Bottom line: concentrate on exploring what kinds of touch and stimulation arouse your wife and discovering how you can give her sexual pleasure. Read “A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse” on Senior Planet for more tips. You might also watch my webinar, “Great Sex Without Penetration,” together.

Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex@Our Age.

Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication.

Joan Price is the author of several books including “The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50” and the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age” and her Facebook page. For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers, join Joan’s mailing list.