COMMENTS

18 responses to “How to Satisfy Your Sexual Needs When Your Old Rulebook Says No”

1. What happens when Your wife 30 years have no feelings for You anymore BUT l love her too much
   Tried everything l think

   Reply to Mohammed

2. men always wanted ther cake and eat it,thats natural to a man,he cannot help looking for more, and now the chains are off,he will be even more like that..
   women will have a point in ther life they may wonder,but otherwise want the forever dream,and will never agree to us men having anyone else,they pretend but have not got the confidence to hadle it,

   Reply to stu

   1. I don’t think we can generalize about gender differences, Stu. I know plenty of monogamous people of our age and plenty of non-monogamous people of our age, and they’re not categorized by gender. Many seniors are actively throwing off the old gender roles and the old “this is what sex must be” rules. It’s a big world out there, and if we’re honest about what we are (and are not) looking for, we can find others who match us.

      Reply to Joan Price

   2. The reason women are more tied up to their relationships (besides being more homey by nature from the cave times) is that SHE is the one who bears and cares for the offspring with HE either abandons, sees them only on spare time and/or when he feels like playing with the babies and showing them off. Of course there are exceptions too…

      Yes, for millennia MAN has been the one having it all and nothing “fur” her! It’s just like that cute Oklahoma musical where he wants “All ‘er Notin'” and the girl says “All fur you and notin’ fur me”…..

      Reply to Adela

3. Excellent article—I love Joan Price—and smart comments. Given the numerical disadvantage at which older women find themselves, I do see advantages in embracing less traditional arrangements. Not sleeping with creeps, but not holding out for Mr. Perfect in Every Way Forever either. Consider partners not close to our own ages, or friends with benefits or, as Joan suggests, respectful, honest, meaningful non-monogamous relationships, aka polyamory. It’s a pretty radical idea. We know, though, that communal living arrangements will make sense as we age, so why not—as a thought experiment at least—consider a more communal approach to our romantic lives as well? Imagine the benefits, for example, of shared caregiving rather than being yoked to full-time, one-on-one care?

   Reply to Ashton Applewhite

   1. >a more communal approach to our romantic lives as well

      Well said, Ashton — and that sounds like a dandy idea! (Does anyone say “dandy” anymore?) I’ll bet many of the communal living arrangements *do* embrace this.

      I’d love to hear from people in this kind of arrangement.

      Reply to Joan Price

4. I would suggest that you include the current term “polyamorous” in your reply.

   I don’t practice it myself, but I do see articles about it.

   And using that term should help a person find others who are either like minded or have additional insights.

   Reply to MsChiron

   1. Thank you for your comment, MsChironl. Polyamory (literally “loving many”) is a non-monogamous lifestyle in which there is usually a primary couple who are committed to each other, plus each of them may have sexual and emotional attachments with other regular partners. There are many folks of our age who embrace polyamory.

      I didn’t specifically describe this lifestyle in my original answer to Non-Monogamous & Frustrated because that’s a big step beyond what he was asking — which was how to be free to date without the expectation of sexual exclusivity.

      Reply to Joan Price

5. I think Joan should point out that for most women sexual desire and loving someone deeply are intertwined. Sexual desire without the deeper connection seems to be what this man is seeking. By their nature, most women would seek both in a relationship and so if that’s what you’re looking for, beware the kind of man who plays the field.

   Reply to Ruby Slippers

   1. “most women sexual desire and loving someone deeply are intertwined.”

      I have no doubt that “many” women (and men) desire this, but it is important not to extrapolate from one’s personal preference and apply it to “most”. In some sense, everyone seems to want connection–love–but it is a cultural bias that this must be done monogamously.

      Monogamy has a short history, only a couple hundred years. That history seems to be one of frequent failure. (50% divorce rate. Many couple staying together “for the children”. Separate bedroom arrangements.)

      The most common form of marriage has been polygamy and concubinage.

      Reply to David Pittle

6. Great advice, Joan — I think so much of the stigma around non-monogamous relationships is the feeling that people who wan’t them aren’t up front about it. I always respect a man who tells me he doesn’t want to be monogamous.

   Reply to Erica Jagger

7. Thank you for this article/response. I just finished responding to a conservative Christian counselor’s misinterpretation of the Bible. He insisted that the ONLY relationship is monogamous and heterosexual. There are many who are lead astray by these right-wing pastors, but many others who grew up and unthinkingly absorbed these kinds of cultural biases. Now, at our age, they struggle with the conflict between what they want/need and their old infused biases. Even those who are not “Christian” in any sense, still grew up immersed in this anti-sex, anti-body culture.

   Every effort to ease their way into an ethical sexual openness. Ethical sexuality means, a) Consensual and mutual b) Honesty c) No physical or emotional damage to either party or other people; and otherwise no limits.

   Reply to David Pittle

   1. >Ethical sexuality means, a) Consensual and mutual b) Honesty c) No physical or emotional damage to either party or other people; and otherwise no limits.

      Very well said, David Pittle. Honesty is the part that is hard for many. It’s so important. I hear from people all the time who say, “My partner doesn’t know that I…” out of fear that the partner will leave if he/she knows the truth.

      But we owe our loved ones the right to leave if our truth and theirs don’t coincide.

      Reply to Joan Price

8. I wish this comment was from a woman. I found when I was dating that many older men took advantage of the fact that demographics were on their side. They knew only too well that the abundance of lonely older women and not enough men to go around made it just too easy to fulfill male fantasies. Women will go along with the program, agree to being non-monogamous, whether they want to or not because they’re scared of being alone. \

   Reply to Erica Manfred

   1. Really, Erica? Maybe, it’s because I’m ugly, poorly educated, fat and a bore with bad knees, but I just can’t get all those women interested in me. LOL

      I do recognize the phenomenon you describe and it does exist–especially in retirement communities. But when I do OKCupid, I get turned down a lot by women looking for younger men. That’s turning the tradition on its head. ;-)

      Reply to David Pittle

      1. Well, David, you have to up your game a bit. Get knee replacements. :-)

      2. ugly, poorly educated, fat and a bore with bad knees
         I’ve done the knees, but the ugly, bore, fat, and inadequately educated will take a little more time. (My self-deprecation is always done with a grin and a wink. I’m actually gorgeous, exciting and know-it-all. ;-)

      3. Come up and see me sometime. ;-)