COMMENTS

105 responses to “Ask Joan: How to deal with a spouse who constantly wants sex”

1. I feel like viagra has messed with the natural rhythm of sex as we age. If he didn’t have that option he wouldn’t be able to perform 4 times a week and we would be on a closer schedule. Would be nice if modern medicine could create libido in a pill for women so we could just turn on desire on demand. Until then maybe men should leave the viagra in the hands of their wife and satisfy their need to be wanted with some heavy cuddling.

   Reply to Eden Rules

   1. The debate here between the sexes appears to boil down to hormones. The majority of ladies say they lost libido after menopause. And in relationships that were previously highly sexual, the men then feel rejected and undesirable when their lady is unresponsive or outright does not want to participate. Sex is the difference between intimate partners and roommates. As this column is sex after 70, there must also be a significant portion of women who maintain interest without hormones. Help!

      Reply to Kevin Koster

2. Women’s hormones are usually gone in their 60’s and men’s hormones rage on. One woman said that when she turns her husband down, his sighs and upsetness, disturb her ability to sleep. I go through the same thing. One of the worst things is having sex when you don’t want to, when you want to sleep or if it hurts. Me and my guy used to have an active sex life. He takes it personally and feels that I am rejecting him. It is not that kind of rejection when you have lost interest because of hormones.

   Reply to Sharon

3. I need to know what all these “miserable men” in “sexless marriages” would do if they were in another country for 8 months at war, or single with zero girlfriends, or physically unable to sexually perform with another person due to injury or illness??? Our personal happiness *does not live* in someone else, or in others people’s actions/non-actions. It is narcissistic and bizarre to blame sex (requiring two people) for YOUR own unhappiness.

   Reply to Your Mom

   1. In war time throughout history what men did to woman in another country wasn’t always peaches and cream , this is what I herd there were times that a lot of men raped the wife’s of husbands that got killed and ran sac there house /village I’m sure you can imgine , not saying it was right or always happens but I’d put my money on it

      Reply to Marc

4. When one of the couple does constantly not want sex and the other constantly does, marriage is over.
   I think is better for the couple that the sexually high drive person seeks another bed partner, and continue with the show.
   Cheers

   Reply to gordon

5. i have a wonderful woman, though sex through the years has been a tug of war with my gatekeeper of sex.
   maybe some equality i once said , you control the sex one week then l control it the next.
   i even said you can have 2 weeks of no sex to my one, guess what she said, yip lads ,no go.
   now you ladies here . let me make this clear making love to my woman gives me such great joy,to be inside of her and be one is absolutely fantastic for many of us men.
   i massage,chores,everything to please.

   Reply to mark

6. The degree of ignorance of the other gender in some of these comments is breath-taking. I won’t differentiate, but some of you people need to do some study on this. Related to this is the lack of good will, patience, LOVE, and grace.

   Reply to Charlie O.

   1. I’ve been in my relationship now for 11 months I’m 60 and he’s 65, we’ve had a very active sexual relationship and we fell in love and I’m now engaged. He started taking Viagra and yes we both have noticed a little bit of a difference but the problem is when he seems to want it all the time and my body is hurting I had my hip replaced years ago and a few other things I have to turn him down then he’ll say something to me like we haven’t even been together a year and you’re already rejecting me?

      Reply to PJ

7. This is a very interesting subject. I think it goes even deeper than the original question the lady asked. The 35,000 foot view is really about individuality versus the “Covent” of marriage/relationship. The original concept of marriage where one is the breadwinner and one is the domestic keeper is out dated and flawed: not long ago women were possessions, an item to be owned. Haven’t we progressed beyond this? If sex is the most important aspect to you, then marriage is not for you.

   Reply to Hippy Dippy

   1. I agree with your last statement, if sex is the most important aspect….
      For me, however, I am the one turning down my husband’s advances. I feel horrible while I’m in action but on the other hand, I get nothing from my husband except degrading comments, such as; “can I stick my cock in your mouth.” He has no “moves” for turning me on. And yes, connecting the feelings of 2 emotions on opposite sides of the spectrum, can be very taxing on ones psyche and personality.

      Reply to Laurel

      1. I get the same treatment..it’s disgusting me. Never a hug or hand holding or embrace. I get groped every time I pass him all day. Constantly wanting “ marathon long sex” . I do it begrudgingly then he wants more. Ugh. We are in late 60’s I feel used like a sex object. Going on 20 years. Yes I try to talk about it..I get pouting and silent treatment. He’s pretty great otherwise as a husband. I am at a loss.

      2. Sex is important to me. It helps to validate that I am appreciated, respected for the man I try to be, and loved even after all of these years.
         My wife and I will go months sometimes without being physically intimate and then all of a sudden we have sex a few days in a row.
         She claims to love me and says lack of desire is not because of me but it doesn’t feel that way when I ask her if she would like to make love and she gets exasperated like I just asked her to something horrible. It hurts.

   2. I agree being a marriage and even a relationship sex is not the important aspect . It’s more to than sex love, compassion, communication and honesty is more important than just sex.

      Reply to Stephanie

8. ..tough – when I get turned down at almost every attempt, my body starts associating the feeling of being turned down with the arousal, and connects the two. I’m starting to feel stress just because I’m being aroused and I’m super scared to have erection issues, which, I think, starts to happen because of this neglect. I don’t want to cheat but I just don’t get good sex with a lusty partner at home. I feel this is unfair to me, I feel not wanted, and missing out as years are passing by fast.

   Reply to Good dude

9. Married 15 years, 2 kids, nice house, vacations & etc. No stress or long hours for my wife, we both take care of kids, house, chores. I do sleep 5 hours tops while she has 8+ as my job is demanding. Yet I always have the energy for sex while she goes months without it.

   Masturbation doesn’t fulfil my need to be wanted just as much as I want my partner. I’ve paid for sex and its not the same. Affairs give me the sex I want, but I love my wife and don’t want to ruin our marriage. Its tough…

   Reply to Good dude

   1. I feel so sorry for your wife.

      Reply to Unimpressed

      1. I also as well feel bad for the wife sad.

      2. I feel bad for your wife, sad. You should divorce her and fine someone else . You are using her as a domestic caregiver and your work outside the relationship giving The best of you to others

   2. Good dude: Just a question for you: did your wife ever have orgasms? Yes? Are you sure? The percentage of women who do NOT have orgasms from intercourse is absolutely astounding! I have been married twice. I have NEVER had an orgasm from intercourse. Never. So if he doesn’t feel like giving me oral, and the fingering he gives me doesn’t feel good, and he’s offended if I play with myself, then what? That doesn’t exactly make me want to have sex. Yeah, he gave me oral years ago…

      Reply to Joanne

      1. Very good point…. In general men want it but don’t want to “work “ for it. Or understand what turns on a woman.

      2. I have been married almost 50 years and the comments reflect the universal man/woman relationship conflict. Women want to be treated well, listened to, respected and not treated like an object. Menopause changes everything for women. If sex is so important a man is willing to give up his life to find as new bed partner- welll that is pitiful . I think they have a name for that – mid-life crisis! You are supposed to buy a reed corvette and look like a fool.

   3. I feel sorry for your wife also.

      Reply to Gin

   4. If you’re having extra marital affairs, with sex workers even, you definitely do not love your wife. Your need for p in v has greatly outweighed any respect for your wife, and has put her health in danger on top of that by actively having sex with sex workers while still attempting to be physical with your wife at home. That’s digusting. Do her a favor and come clean, have yourself tested and tell her to get tested, and cut the marriage short because at this rate – there’s nothing worth saving.

      Reply to SkittyGal

   5. I wish I had your willingness to forget my vows and be unfaithful to my wife to find the exciting and fulfilling sex I crave so desperately.

      I love her so much and it breaks my heart to not be desired, wanted, or see the excitment in her eyes like I use to when we had sex.

      I had a friend pass away recently, and I feel like he got lucky, he no longer has to deal with the pain of rejection or a wife just having horrible duty sex to try and keep her husband happy.

      Reply to Evan

10. Wait, I have a question. Let’s say my husband is not interested in sex and I wanted an orgasm, what is the difference if I take care of it myself so I can give him a break???

    If sex is a allows a release (orgasm), then why not just masturbate when one’s spouse is not interested? Whether a man masturbates using his wife’s ‘V’ or using his own capable hands, it results in the same outcome – an orgasm.

    So why the fuss? Please explain.

    Reply to Rachel

    1. The question I’ve been waiting for. Thank you.

       Reply to Miss Match

11. OMG these men saying “dump her/move on”…. What about commitment, family, the life you build over the many years….”just because of sex!?” Really? Have we evolved into Neanderthals?

    Reply to Maria

    1. I am going through the same situation after being married for almost 30 years now. I think there is more to it or there is at least on my end. If he wouldn’t treat me so badly I might actually still deeply love him but I’m afraid he’s ruined some of that. Laid off in July makes things so so much worse.

       Reply to Gin

12. My husband 62 married 37 years wants something sexual everyday. He gets upset with me when I’m not interested. So I comply because he wants it and I don’t want to deal with the mood of not giving in. I have gotten good pretending I enjoy it I love my husband and we have an amazing relationship outside of sex. But why is it such a need for him I don’t understand and I wish I did. I think he associates love with sex. If I don’t give him sex then I don’t love him

    Reply to Bobbie

    1. my guy thinks the same way and I give in just so I don’t have to put up with sulking and pouting

       Reply to steph

       1. I have been married for 17 years and 8 years ago I had a hysterectomy because of medical conditions. That’s when I lost my sex drive. So for 8 years I started a rollercoaster ride that I’m afraid will never stop. For starters, there’s more to a marriage than just sex. For me, I need a deeper connection then deeply connecting through sex. I need that emotional, spiritual, and non-judgmental connection with whom I am to spend the rest of my life with.

13. My husband of 28 years wants sex everyday other will look elsewhere. He is in his prime and I have multiple health issues. Menopause, HBP(medication), no libido, hysterectomy, and a bulging disk. I totally understand how the woman feels. It’s tough when u love someone so much that u can’t leave them no matter how he is mistreating u. It’s rape when she says no even in marriage. Men can please themselves as much as a woman can. I wish men could understand what us women are going thru. GOD BLESS.

    Reply to Sandra Troskowski

    1. So you’re holding him hostage. You just admitted you have no desire for him, but wants all the other benefits of a relationship. You want the fluffy, non-intimate company and cuddle time, and then his money, and energy. What does he want from you? Appreciation, empathy and yes….sex. I’m 100% certain he shows the other 2 but you’ve grown used to it. It’s selfish and the only premise to justify your abuse to him is religious. It’s sad

       Reply to Bob Long

       1. Holding her husband hostage? Oh my word!!! Even if her husband is a good provider does not constitute being used as a F.@8K toy. I do believe you don’t know there is 99 ways to demonstrate intimacy besides the WHAM BAM Thank you Ma’am. Cuddling and snuggling, holding hands,hugs, wet kisses, touching, suckling and fondling meet the category of intimacy without sex. I can not understand who would want a man that thinks SEX is love. Sex “can” be an expression of love. Open communication is best.

       2. It appears that the women here don’t understand their men. First off, men have needs, as well as women. It sounds like there was no problem till menopause. Then its, “it was nice knowing you “ he didn’t sign up for this. I’m starting to go through this now, except I actually respect my wife, she’s my best friend, and my love is unconditional. Let me make something very clear, MASTERBATING isn’t the same! Cumming, and orgasm, 2DIF THINGS! I don’t feel love and intimacy from my fist! Just sayin

       3. The thought of walking into the kitchen to start dinner and having my husband spring around the corner and pounce on me naked is really disturbing. Just reading her post is triggering. I’m sorry OP, I hope you can find your way out of this situation. His behavior is gross.

    2. You women here are DELUSIONAL!! Men do NOT think like you do. Here are your options. Have sex or get cheated on. It’s as simple as that. You can complain, talk about it’s not fair, etc.,. You took the job and those are the responsibilities of the position. The job will get done no matter if you do it or not.

       Reply to Get It Together

       1. Aww, did the AI bot not like the responses it was hearing? If men don’t think like women do – “have sex or get cheated on” – why do they ever get married? So much cheaper, easier, clearer to have a non-marital-bound relationship.

          So – if men are only about the sex, they’re going through an awful lot of heartache to become married.

          And if they’re NOT only about the sex – then your whole premise falls apart.

          Try again, fake person.

14. No! He has to flee from her. He has to masturbate – really!!?!!?

    Reply to David

    1. I personally love having sex with my husband,I’m 56 and he is 60,I’ve always enjoyed it and still do(even after menopause)….it’s an important part of my life with him and we both agreed it always would be,he’s very affectionate and loving if we don’t but it’s something that we don’t neglect.
       We find it very relaxing after a stressful work day,I’ve never equated sex as
       a chore,it should be fun and exciting.That’s my view on it.

       Reply to Beaner

       1. EVERY DAY?

       2. You must have a good man. At least it seems he does what he “signed up” for when marrying a women. We knew that sex would be the topic, when marrying our one true love. We understand men. Men don’t understand women, except in your marriage. My husband of 17 years, still cannot perform any tasks he “signed up” for, in order to get me to perform my wifely duties. I’m happy for the both of you. Any tips?

       3. Beaner, that’s awesome. I am happy for you and your husband and a bit jealous too. Thirteen years ago the combination of hysterectomy, menopause, Zoloft and most recently a cpap machine, have completely grounded my wife’s libido. She plainly said one day “I’m sorry we haven’t had sex lately but I really don’t care if I ever have sex again.” I haven’t initiated or made any suggestion of having sex since that conversation.

       4. Your husband is very lucky, we hope he realizes this.

15. I found this very upsetting to read.I find that man’s actions unconscionable. Does he realize that rape is a felony?! Yes,that includes marital rape. I think she needs to ask him to leave and get therapy/other support for herself so she can raise her self-esteem enough to be able to make her own choices,including being treated with respect and consideration. He also needs therapy,badly,so he won’t inflict his selfish behavior on another woman. She could press charges. #listentowomenforachange

    Reply to Feminista

    1. Holy crap!!! I am glad that you will never be my wife. What he is doing is wrong but what she is doing is also wrong. If she doesn’t want sex anymore thus breaking her vows then the marriage is over and he should just move on.

       Reply to David

       1. They had good sex life he was generous and aimed to please until she didn’t want it anymore. If you leave it up to her she won’t do it. If for 10 years you don’t want it and if he just does it, then you created the new standard. Don’t expect any affection. Who wants to hold the hand of someone who rejects you sexually? There are times I am tired, or have no desire but my husband does, and as his wife I take care of his needs end result? we both enjoy it. What is wrong with women today?

       2. David, you think SHE is the one breaking her vows by not wanting sex anymore? Really? Do you not realize that he is FORCING sex on her? What is that called? It’s called rape. Isn’t that going against something even more basic than marriage vows? You have no idea what she has and is now going through. I’ve been there; I know exactly how she feels.

       3. In sickness and in health.

       4. So glad that I’m not your wife. My husband is also so glad you’re not my husband either. Marriage vows have nothing to do with sex. If that’s the case then what if one partner is incapacitated? Does that mean she or he is braking their vows? Vows have to do with commitment and loyalty to one another. And absolutely zero to do with physical intimacy and sex.

       5. Where in the marriage vows does it state that either partner agrees to be a non negotiable s*x toy? You have a very backward view of life and relationships. I bet you aren’t even married or in a relationship- that horrible attitude is a dead giveaway.

       6. Having sex is not a legal committment. Not committing rape is a legal requirement. Maybe try to think before you post.

    2. Wow!! you are scary!

       Reply to David Dods

16. my experience is that when i said i do and mutually said the same, that we agreed to an agreement of mutual consent forever while married. physically men need sex and a normal women would too. i believe it is our responsibility to each other to provide for each others needs. if a person in an agreement doesn’t fulfill their obligation, they jointly agree to seperate if possible.

    Reply to paul

    1. “paul”, I politely disagree with you. You said,”when i said i do and mutually said the same, that we agreed to an agreement of mutual consent forever while married.” No, I don’t believe that getting married means CONTINUOUS MUTUAL CONSENT. Do you seriously mean that your wife must always have sex with you whenever you want? Really? What about her needs, wants, and desires? Does that not matter? Apparently, it doesn’t matter to you. You only care about what you want.

       Reply to Anne

       1. Paul was stating a Biblical view – you obviously do not agree

       2. dear rachel ,i love my wife dearly,but the gatekeeper of love/sex rejected me so often its not funny, i do all sorts of things to satisfy her,in and out of the bedroom.
          making love to my wife is the best thing in the world,us men love the intimacy and the feeling of being one for a moment in time.
          masterbation never cuts it for most married men,sorry but that’s a fact,its only a temporary measure.
          we genuinely seek the love and intimacy that was there at the beginning.
          hugs and kisses rachel.

    2. Yes, I agree! They should not even get married if sex is that important to them since it is estimated either spouse will lose interest at some point. I would say over 70% of persons should stay unmarried and celibate – that is how high the decreased interest in sex is. I have tried to convince all the females in my family to stay single and celibate. It is a lost cause for most females. It you want kids adopt, skip marriage and the required sex vow.

       Reply to Rachel

       1. cheating ?you’ll only hate yourself,like me.
          lets say she’s been the gatekeeper of love/sex for the past 10 years, ask her how she would feel if we balanced this with yourself being the gatekeeper for the next 10.
          the lack of perspective for a mans needs seems to be superseeded by what looks and feels like narcissism to me.
          so ladies if you cant work with us, some of us will go elsewhere, is that what you really want is what you should ask yourself.
          love us for goodness sake,like we love you.

    3. Hi Paul,

       Whether I agree with you or not, I find your argument to be logically compelling. I’m sorry for the ridiculous people who commented on your post. I’m not condoning or condemning your point of view. I just wanted to thank you for being relatively objective on the subject.

       Reply to AeRose

17. how about since he has a high sex drive & she has none he should be able to find lady with a high sex drive to have sex with whenever he desires and then come home with a smile on his face,,, problem solved,,,hmm didn’t hear JOAN suggest this remedy, i guess it’s her woman’s point of view

    Reply to dan

    1. Dan, There’s a way of speaking to this idea in a less brash way.

       Reply to Ana M

       1. brash ways????
          what he should just be celibate the rest of his life??

          what is your remedy?

       2. Having a Third may be good, just understand the boundaries and rules,

    2. Respectfully, Dan, don’t be so quick to mansplain my “woman’s point of view.” Read my column regularly (https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/) and you’ll see that I do suggest opening up a relationship or giving a “hall pass” when one partner no longer wants sex, the other does, and they can’t reach a compromise. In this case, however, the person who wrote me is struggling with sexual assault from her husband. Giving suggestions for appeasing her husband would be inappropriate.

       Reply to Joan Price

       1. And for all anyone knows, he’s probably already getting some on the side. I really don’t think men care how their domestic prostitute feels about sex. It’s part of the deal she signed up for, so no reneging.

    3. Stop with your commonsense!

       Reply to David

    4. Sexual needs can only be met by your spouse. He isn’t allowed to go anyplace else to have this need met so it’s up to you to meet it. If you can’t meet the need you must go elsewhere. Yes, you should get a divorce before going elsewhere though.

       Reply to Andrea

       1. Andrea ,
          You are the only one on here to have any
          common sense. I would definitely vote
          for you.

    5. Why do men need a woman for sex if the orgasm is all they want and can do by themselves? I don’t understand the difference. I like my daily orgasms and don’t need a man to do that. Problem solved. I’m happy, no complaints.

       Reply to Rachel

    6. If you have the higher sex drive, and she doesn’t. She should give you the sex you want. Because ultimately, it makes no difference to her whether she gets more sex or not. But it makes all the difference to you. If you let her emotions dominate the relationship, she will neglect your needs forever. And you’ll miss out on all the richness sex provides. Take charge and tell her you’re going to make love to her whenever you feel. And if she declines, tell her you can’t keep living like this.

       Reply to Pat

    7. I think that’s a wonderful idea, I have suggested to my husband many times, since I no longer have interest in sex ( do to age and health ) that he find a sex Buddy to go at it with, that would make me so incredibly happy, and his whining will stop

       Reply to Sherry Nash

18. I went through something similar. My husband started using testosterone per his doctor. One effect was that he wanted sex 3,4, or 5 times a week. He would NOT masturbate all by himself. He would only do it while rubbing and fondling me, even if I was completely uninterested in sex. I was very overweight at the time,, and going through a phase of menopause where I was not interested in sex. Usually he would fondle me, then pester me to have sex until I gave in, to “get it over with”,like her.

    Reply to Anne

    1. -continued- That was several years ago. My husband changed doctors and is no longer using testosterone. His libido has decreased significantly while mine has increased, partly because of menopause changes and partly because I lost weight and have been exercising (which he has completely stopped doing). I am 66 and he is 68. I would not consider our relationship to be very good. Things he has done over the years (like the unwanted sex) have affected me, and I’m just kind of hanging on…

       Reply to Anne

       1. I hear you. I am in the same boat now. I know he takes some sort of steroid and or testosterone. He orders this off the internet. Confused and don’t want to give up my house so that is why I am still here. I was laid off in July and this has made everything much harder.

          I would leave if I could because now he is just plain mean to me.

    2. I am a divorced 61 year old male and am absolutely terrified to find my self in a sexless marriage – I would much rather remain single. According to female Dr stats 82.5% of post menopausal women have a drastic decrease in their libido … so strive to find the rare loving women.

       Reply to David Dods

       1. There’s a difference between loving and being willing to have sex whenever your partner wants it. Some men don’t shower, try to be attractive, or treat women well, then can’t understand why there’s no interest in sex.
          I believe sex is healthy and essential in a marriage (absent significant problems or agreement on both sides)
          I think it’s ok to have sex when you don’t much feel like it sometimes as a way of showing love and care for your partner. As long as it’s given and reciprocated in love.

       2. Your comment can be taken one two ways, either you expect the “rare loving woman” to be able to or, want have sex when you desire it, OR, you appreciate the rare loving woman as she is, lack of libido and all.
          As the husband of a woman with health issues causing her libido to be almost non-existent, it may be frustrating for me, but I can tell you personally that even though she is rarely able to have sex, let alone enjoy it, she is the most loving, amazing, caring woman I have ever known.

       3. In SICKNESS and in health. A lot of older, chronically ill people, of both genders, are no longer ABLE to have sex. I am 66. Do all of the women a favor and remain single if sex means that much to you.

    3. How/what does a husband feel while he’s having sex to someone that doesn’t want him ? All he cares about is self gratification. I’d want my spouse to actually want to. share in this special moment with me and want to be with me not because I forced, demanded or coerced them into it. sex and making love are two different things

       Reply to Ja

       1. My husband stated that when he was younger he clould have every day two and three times , now no romance , no help with House work, no flower ás a gift. After I work like a mule. He say come to bed I have taken Viagra I respond by asking him , did I send you to take Viagra go get into a shower.just llleave me alone I have no desire..then commucation stop for one week somtime, I was a fül time Nurse. Át home generál work cook. Clean er laundres then each month I have to Give him $500 USA

       2. if she doesnt want him, then leave,just saying.
          ave been jumping through hoops for 40 years with my gatekeeper of love/ sex,then i suggested the equality card,she controls one week ,me the next,no go.
          its not a transaction i get it, but i love my wonderful wife ,doing it on the side was an awful experience because it wasn’t my wife,to be one with her is the best feeling in the world to me the intimacy is just fantastic, we men need that.
          i deeply regret going behind her back.

19. Have there been other changes in his behavior? If so, a good physical and mental checkup may pinpoint problems causing an inability to consider his wife and her needs as well as to control his actions. I mention this because a close friend went through something similar before being diagnosed with dementia, for which diabetes is a risk factor, and the earlier it is discovered, the better quality of life he will have.

    Reply to Wendy

    1. So, the fact that his sex drive is still good and the wife no longer wants that he must have a problem – unbelievable. If a women partner doesn’t want sex then dump her

       Reply to David

       1. So, to you, women have no value beyond sex. I’m here to tell you that women are not objects. I can only hope that reincarnation is real and you come back as a woman in your next life. You need to understand that hormones rule our bodies and when we reach the age that menopause occurs, many women lose their desire to have sex and also the feeling in nerves in their genitals. Doctors have found no solution to this. I know because I’ve tried everything out there.

    2. Yes. Because he still has a good sex drive and she doesn’t then then problem lies with him!! Unbelievable! If she no longer wants sex then it is not a marriage and he should dump her and move on

       Reply to David Dods

       1. I am incredulous at your comment. Do you have ANY understanding of why she may not want sex?
          Let me give you a reason: In the 24 years that my husband and I have been married, not once have I had an orgasm by intercourse alone. Yes, he occasionally would perform oral sex, and it was pretty good, when he did it. But he never tried any ways to help me find some position or some thing that he could so I could orgasm during sex. Would that make YOU want to keep having sex?

       2. How about a husband whose sex drive is so high he needs sex a min 1 but preferably 2 plus a week and if he doesn’t get it acts like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Huffing and puffin and sighing loudly to express his unhappiness and intentionally ruining my night? I make a point to have sex with him once a week bc we are both busy with work and life and tired .,. Even if it’s once every two weeks on super busy weeks i think that should be ok but I feel so forced to keep up w once a week min

       3. @ Christina – Yes I get this too. They act like a spoilt child but refuses to masterbate. My hubby is 52yrs old and its getting worse. For me its a minimum every 3days and if I dont give it up the tantrums begin.

          We get it, you men want sex but my god help us out and masterbate a few times a week!!!! When a woman isnt in the mood its actually quite painful for some.

       4. I’m laughing reading you men. I’m chiming in to tell you after menopause a lot of women develop vaginal atrophy. The pain with penetration is excruciating and absolutely out of the question. It is devastating to the woman. Loss of libido wasn’t a big deal to me but the PAIN? What horrible things would you say to her then? Dump her? I’m trying hrt therapy hoping that will help but my god if it doesn’t my husband will throw me away like a broken tool? Grow up and my you lose your erection

20. I am almost 72 and still have the sex drive of a 20 year old. How fortunate this woman is to have her husband have this interest in sex! I have been turned down from my husband at many stages of my life for intimacy and so I divorced and sought out those with similar interests.

    Reply to Blaze

    1. Thanks Blaze. You restore my hope that there are sensible women out there.

       I couldn’t reply to Anne’s comment to David unfortunately.

       She was angry because her husband had never given her pleasure in bed after 24 years.

       Instead of looking inwards and asking herself why she put up with this after a year, let alone 24, she just comes here to bash all men for perfectly natural desires.

       So much for feminism and female agency…24 yrs of saying nothing!

       Reply to Marblechops

       1. My husband knew exactly how I felt during those years. I told him over and over. I kept trying to make things work. He said he loved me. Do YOU have any idea how many women actually orgasm from intercourse???? Less than 35%. When I tried to get him to touch me differently, he he would sigh and pout, and not do as I asked. Might as well stop that and instead help him have an orgasm. If you didn’t notice, MANY women on here are in the same boat.

21. Ah Joan ! How did this relationship go so sour and turn ‘ He was a good lover, generous in making me happy ‘ into an SOB. Surly, they can somehow resolve the huge gap of sexual needs by coming to some sort of accommodation. Under no circumstances should he force himself on her. What pleasure can there be for either of them when that happens ?
    Make a date for a mutually agreed upon loving session, In the interim, for him…give him a Hot Octopus Duo for self pleasure. Hopefully this will satisy

    Reply to Dave 83

    1. No what he is doing is 100% wrong – he should just leave her

       Reply to David

       1. My husband of 30years, has now cut me off from the finances, does not speak to me much, tells me nothing is my business anymore, because I got sick and and went through menopause, kidney failure, Crohns, and it’s to painful to have sex anymore, he would like me to move out? I am no longer able to satisfy his needs, I’m crushed.

22. I took time and work to write a comment and I thouight I saw it under “Reviewing the comment” then I donn’t see it anymore. MAY I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO IT PLEASE? Or, I shall never comment anymore. :( Thanx. Rose

    Reply to Rose

    1. sorry for the mishap, Rose, maybe it got caught and dropped while processing. It happens sometimes Please try again.

       Reply to Senior Planet

23. Joan Price is a winner! She’s right on all of her advices which I rarely miss. :)

    TALK if you love him! Don’t hold grudges which cause relationships to deteriorate! After one of his “ambushes” …sit comfortably with him over his favorite meal or desert or drink and…talk away relaxedly, opening up to what you need him to do, so you can satisfy HIM, and make YOU happy too. You omittd your age but…the 60s is the 40s now. Professional counseling will help if your talk won’t. :o)

    Reply to Rosa

24. What a sad state of a marriage. Where is the tender playfulness? The sexual assault has to stop. He should be encouraged to self pleasure (masturbate)
    without guilt to take the pressure off his horniness.
    Maybe, without the expectation of “sex” (whatever form that means) they could just cuddle once in a while to build closeness. They need to talk about fond memories and hopes for the future. And talk about what touch feels good to each of them.

    Reply to John

25. To Joan Price,
    Once again, your answer to the ‘Instant Sex’ dilemma is “bulls-eye”, in addressing the issues, in my opinion.
    The metaphorical icing on the cake is your suggestion to have the wife to show her husband that column.
    As for her question “are most men this age this way”, one answer is that many of us men, married or not, do have high sex drives. The historic (groundbreaking) Kinsey study shed light on a lot of related “issues”.
    It’s battery (unwanted touching) w “assault” also !

    Reply to Paul J. Gammarano, Sr.; M.A., JD & former Health Educator; 2022 Senior Planet Athlete

    1. Why can’t men just masturbate? Females do this all the time and it is perfectly satisfying if not a whole heck of a lot better orgasm – JACKPOT!!!
       I don’t get it. Please explain that, why do men need to be with a female when they can experience an orgasm on their own just as easily as a female does?

       Reply to Rachel

       1. Several men on this thread have explained this already. They don’t want just an orgasm; they want physical intimacy with a partner, and an orgasm alone won’t cut it. They want to be held, touched, kissed, and the oneness that comes from sex with a partner. Some people are ok with just an orgasm but others are not. Many women have a better orgasm from masturbation, and without penetration that can hurt after a certain age. Others want the intimacy that only comes from sex with a loving partner.

26. oy vey

    whether I was 15 or 70+

    it has always had to be mutual

    what a schlub

    and yes I think my 70 year old body could be in the same desire / ability absolute love and endurance category as my 15year old self

    but neither my 15 year old or my 70 year old would be playing hot and heavy without a female of comparable attitudes, emotions, or interests

    Reply to Ed Berwick