Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am 80 and in excellent health and physical condition. I take zero medications – except for Cialis when I want a full and long acting erection. Despite all that, I have lost sensitivity in the head of my penis to the extent that I neither ejaculate nor have an orgasm, whether with a partner or through masturbation. I know that ejaculation and orgasm are not the same, and I’m most concerned about the orgasm.
My wife died of cancer several years ago. Until her illness progressed, I experienced orgasms through penetration. It’s hard to pinpoint when my lack of sensitivity began, because our sex life ceased over time as I became her caregiver willingly and without remorse.
My wife and I underwent anticipatory grief before her death. We grieved together as well as separately. I understand the grief process and honestly do not believe that grief is related to my lack of penis sensitivity or orgasm.
I have had three monogamous relationships since her death, always without coming to orgasm despite fondling, penetration and oral sex. I now have a fully understanding and cooperative partner.
I last saw my doctor three years ago and plan to schedule an appointment soon. I’m an educated patient with a medical background and have Googled this issue extensively — can you point me in the direction of information I may have missed?
My lack of sensitivity and orgasm is not life ending – in fact, it seems rather trivial, because my partner and I have developed enjoyable sexual contact that is fully pleasurable to both of us. Orgasm would be icing on the cake. — No Icing
First, I applaud you for understanding that sex can be extremely pleasurable even if you don’t reach orgasm. Your experience is very common. A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that about one in three men ages 75 to 85 were no longer able to reach orgasm.
With age, penis sensitivity lessens and orgasm becomes elusive or absent. It’s likely that you’ll need to adapt to this condition. But in case there’s a medical cause that can be treated, please make that doctor’s appointment. Check your testosterone level, which decreases with age and affects sensitivity along with erectile function, and your cardiovascular health. Some neurological conditions affect the nerves, such as diabetes. Since you haven’t had a medical exam in three years — and I don’t know if you told your doctor about your decreased sensitivity or problems with orgasm at that time — I suggest you get a check-up.
I checked in with clinical sexologist and sexuality education consultant Lawrence A. Siegel, MA, CSE. “In the absence of any vascular or neurological issues, this experience is quite normal,” he says. “Changes in how the blood vessels direct blood flow in and out of the penis, as well as changes in penile nerve function, truly are inevitable to varying degrees.” Siegel recommends avoiding overuse of lubricant (use just enough for your and your partner’s comfort) and experimenting with different positions and angles of penetration. “It might also help to practice mindfulness, focusing on erotic images and the pleasurable sensations, while also experiencing different kinds of sensations: harder, softer, lighter, lower, under, over, faster, slower,” he says.
You say that you’re in excellent health and take no medications other than Cialis. But other readers who have more health issues should know that many prescription and non-prescription drugs can affect arousal, erection and orgasm. A consultation with your pharmacist and doctor is always a good idea. Since many medical professionals assume that seniors aren’t having sex and don’t care about it, I always suggest starting with, “My sexuality is important to me, and here’s what’s interfering with it….”
You’re already doing so many things right; you’re enjoying oral and manual sex as well as penetration. As you know, the older penis needs a lot more direct stimulation than it used to. A performance-enhancing drug like Viagra or Cialis helps with erections, but not with sensation, desire or satisfaction. Many people think that if the penis is erect, its owner is ready for sex – but that’s not necessarily true, especially at our age. Erection or not, you may not be aroused yet. You already know this, but for other readers – take lots of time with sexual play before penetration.
Even if aging is the sole reason for the issue and there’s no medical explanation, these six lifestyle behaviors will help maximize your sexual response:
- Exercise before sex to increase blood flow to the genitals
- Don’t eat before sex, because that diverts the blood flow to the digestive system — save your hunger for afterward
- If you smoke, quit
- Use vibrators for extra stimulation of the penis. I especially recommend the Pulse
- Have sex at the time of day that you’re most alert
- Try not to stress about it, because stress will only make it worse
These resources will give you some more ideas:
- “Ejaculation and Orgasm Problems: Causes And Treatments of This Surprisingly Common Problem” by Michael Castleman, on greatsexguidance.com
- “Desperately Seeking Orgasm: Help For An Older Man” by Joan Price, on SeniorPlanet.com
I wish we all understood what you’ve discovered — that orgasm is “icing on the cake,” and the cake is pretty tasty even without icing. —Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
Send Joan your questions by emailing email@example.com. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
I am 73 my wife is 71 She exercises a hour a day. I walk about 10 miles a week.
Regardless of what I do she never initates, never makes a hint this might be the night she could allow herself to organism. I have never in 48 years, but I fear she would rather we abandon organism entirely for just cuddling before sleep or in the morning (if her to do list is done for today). Sometimes she invites me to shower with her, but rejects any thing that may make her horny. Jack
I fixed my lack of sensation problem that started at 57, by using a cannabis vape pen. I can stay hard without the vape, but the sensation is poor. With the vape I feel like I’m 35 again (not 20 though, it’s okay cuz that might give me a heart attack) and actually have had 5 orgasms while penetrating my spouse this last year.
I am in extremely good health,I had ejaculation on the last day of my 81 birthday, after that I have no problems with getting erections, I love sex but, I could not ejaculate after my 82nd birthday, I wonder what the problem is!
Not to be mean, but you are 82….
Thank you for sharing this post and your response Joan. Good to know that this is often simply a fact of growing older. I have reached the conclusion that in order to keep up with the “new conditions of my age (52),” I need to upgrade the levels of sensation I experience during sex. I have been experimenting with e-stimulation and have been subjected to some interesting results. In case anyone decides to give e-stim a try, here are a few simple but “important” lessons learned before you go applying current to your nether regions:
1) Cheaper is NOT better when it comes to e-stim … Save yourself the trouble / frustration / pain and DO NOT BY cheaper e-stim units (generally in the under $50 dollar range).
2) Use e-stim under the direction of a doctor and ONLY … repeat ONLY … below the waste. If you have a pace maker or heart issues like a-fib, please do not under any circumstances explore e-stim without first consulting your doctor.
3) Definitely opt for a unit that you have complete control over … one where you can adjust the current gradually until you find your comfort zone. I have purchased this one from estim systems (just google it and it will come up) — Electropebble XPF — yes, its pricey but at our age we can afford it right? ;-)
4) Read .. Research .. Learn .. A basic knowledge of how an electrical circuit works will help. Understanding mono-polar vs bi-polar will help as well. Any questions, reply here and I will do my best to assist.
Good luck everyone. Don’t give up on a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. Keep looking for what works for you during your stage of life. Kick those inhibitions right out of the door and have fun!
Two (perhaps) out-of-the-box options: 1) a bit of an “arousing” strain of cannabis, like Strawberry Banana, and 2) consider soliciting attention to other erogenous zones, particularly the prostate. Could be odd to some, but it may serves as a major trigger for many, particularly, in fact, if it has not received much stimulation before.
Im 70 and Im in good shape but its much more difficult to have an orgasm…i do take Viagra……I can climax from good oral sex so I have to have a partner thats cool with that and most are…I make sure she is satisfied whatever it takes and they will usually reciprocate..
I kind of figured out allot of these issues with me being diabetic since 1980. Just recently at age 70 (& wife 76) I’m experiencing no erection or organism. However, I still feel pleasure in continuing to give satisfaction to the wife. Information like this allows me to share with her and helps the both of us continue to enjoy life. “If I knew then what I know now”! Thank you for your detailed information.
I know for a fact that it may be that penis sensitivity and testosterone have a lot to do with it.
Sandra, I’ve had little to no sensitivity on the head of my penis now for 15 years after being on anti depressants. testosterone or Viagra have nothing to do with it.
I thought taking antidepressants did effect Climax????? Why do you say this? Thank you. Dave
Hello, I think this is a great article
I am 76 and this problem recently surfaced .
. Very flustrating.