Sex & Relationships

What’s the Deal with a “Loose” Vagina?

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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

I’m a 69-year-old woman, 15 years divorced. I dated a few men after my divorce, but no one for the past decade. Now that I’m looking at my future, I’m afraid of my increasing loneliness and thinking it’s time to start dating again. But the older I get, the more insecure I feel about my body. My skin is too loose, my stomach too droopy, my breasts too floppy…

My ex-husband never tired of criticizing me about my weight. He also complained my vagina was so loose he couldn’t feel it. One of the men I dated after my divorce was smaller-sized and I worried that I was disappointing him by being too slack. He said I was perfect for him, but I think he was just trying not to embarrass me. My gynecologist has since confirmed that I have virtually no vaginal muscle strength. I cannot squeeze anything at all. I self-pleasure with penetrative vibrators, but they feel like they’re swimming in there. I’ve tried Kegels, but it’s been a long time since I’ve bothered since they don’t seem to do anything anyway. I also experience vaginal dryness and I’m embarrassed about that.

I feel defective and stuck. How can I move forward—or should I just look for men who are no longer interested in sex —Too Loose

Joan Price Responds

You’re not defective, and you don’t need to give up on sex and an intimate relationship. Your problem is quite common and it’s fixable! But first, let’s look at the messages that we all get about our aging bodies.

Our society reinforces the attitude that older bodies have aged out of sexiness. But we don’t have to accept that message any more than we have to accept what older people are “supposed” to wear, say, or do. Feeling free to enjoy sex at our age is far more important than what we weigh or how tightly our vaginas can squeeze.

I understand that the anxiety about vaginal looseness is a difficult insecurity to overcome, especially when your ex-husband spent years making you feel inadequate about your vagina and your body weight. You might want to consider counseling to help push away his negative messages..

Part of your husband’s perception might have been because of issues of his, not yours. In general, vaginas have the capacity to expand and contract as needed “Typically, when a man complains about a ‘loose vagina,’ it is actually because he has trouble with sensation, not that his partner is too loose,” Ellen Barnard, M.S.S.W., co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center says. “He may have gotten used to a tight grip because of how he masturbates, or he may have diabetes or another condition that makes his nerves less sensitive.”

However, in your case, you say that you’re now not able to squeeze the muscles of your vagina, which may indicate Low Tone Pelvic Floor Dysfunction (weakness of the pelvic floor). Another sign is if you lose a bit of urine when you sneeze or cough. Weak pelvic floor is a common condition, and there are experts, called Pelvic Floor Therapists, who will work with you on getting your pelvic floor muscles back into shape. Barnard recommends asking your primary care physician or OB/GYN for a referral. If there’s an education-based sexuality shop in your area, they may have a list of recommended PFTs in your area. You can also use the locator at the nonprofit Section for Women’s Health or that site’s listings, or Google “pelvic floor rehab program” + your city.

Many of us think we know how to do Kegels, but we may not be doing them correctly. Here’s how A Woman’s Touch describes the process, using your fingers for feedback:

  1. Wash your hands and have lubricant within reach.
  2. Lie down on your back in a comfortable place with your knees bent. Lying down takes the weight off your pelvic floor and leads to earlier success.
  3. Coat your finger(s) with lubricant. Insert your finger(s) about 2 inches into your vagina.
  4. Contract your pelvic floor muscles. It will feel like you’re pulling up and in toward your belly button. Don’t push out. You should feel a gentle tightening around the finger(s). Try to keep your leg, buttock, and abdominal muscles relaxed, and remember to breathe normally throughout the exercise.
  5. Hold the contraction for a count of 5. (Remember to breathe!)
  6. Relax your muscles.
  7. Important: After each contraction, take a deep belly breath. Inhale deeply and gently blow out the air while you relax your pelvis completely. This deep relaxation is just as important as the other steps, because the deep belly breath relaxes the muscles that are not under your conscious control.
  8. Congratulations, you have just done one Kegel.

For more about Kegels and your pelvic floor muscles, see this brochure: “Pelvic Floor Health for Women.”

Finally, here’s an easy solution to one of your problems: vaginal dryness. Most of us don’t lubricate naturally or sufficiently these days, but that’s not a problem. Just use lubricant. See Senior Planet’s Senior’s Guide to Lubrication.

For more about changing feelings about our bodies, see “How to Get Over Your Body Insecurities and Enjoy Sex” on Senior Planet

Also see Senior Planet’s article about pelvic floor rehab programs.

Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.

joan-priceSend Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.

Joan Price is the author of “The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”;  the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.

COMMENTS

29 responses to “What’s the Deal with a “Loose” Vagina?”

  1. This is for the mature women that have the idea that they need to do something that is a part of our lives. Talk to your old man and explain what you need. And if he doesn’t understand that a blessed long lasting life marriage will eventually lead to things that need to take a little more effort. To the gal who has a old man with no idea how to treat you. Get your head up and start thinking about yourself and happiness. Being alone is not so bad. I was dropped off at a fire station. YWB find

    Reply to George Kyle

  2. I was raped in 2018 so badly & ever since then, I’m convinced that he broke my vagina. I’m about to marry the man of my dreams and I’ve NEVER been able to have sex with him the way I really want to. I can’t relax ever or get into it because I just want it to be over because I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I have a broken, loose vagina. Men before him made fun of my vagina. I’m sad all the time and I’ve even thought about leaving my fiancé because I know he just simply deserves better.

    Reply to A girl who lives in shame

  6. I truly believe my husband uses my loose 62 year old vagina as an excuse to chase 30-40 year old women. I actually think he’s still seeking to be and feel young by these interactions. He feels the need to use the language of someone much younger and to dress the same. He plays his music as loud as 20 year olds. This behavior has been going on for years and there appears to be no end in sight any time soon.

    Reply to Lisa Rae

  7. I have been Married to the same sweet girl for almost 40 years now we all change, but I can honestly say she is as beautiful to me today as the day we met, Our bodies all change and sensations change for all of us. She use to like oral sex more and that was the way I had always made her orgasm . About five years ago she started saying put it in quicker which at first was great, because her orgasms seemed to be more intense with me inside her, while I also stimulated her clit with my thumb .

    Reply to Greg Vernon

  11. I haven’t been sexually active in 23 yrs.until recently I have learned masterbation thru clitoal stimulation. I’m just now exploring and have never in all these years actually looked at my private area up close and what I saw was frightening . Everything seems darker and larger however my vagina is still tight. Please advise me how to improve this unsightly mess

    Reply to Deborah Ann Harmon

    1. I’m sure it’s not a mess, vaginas are like people, all are different, personally I appreciate seeing different types, it’s actually a huge turn on and I am the type to want to stay down there and play for 15-30 minutes or longer. Don’t worry about changing, show it off and the men that like it, see them more, then ones who ignore, dump em. I promise you this, there are many men who want to have access to one like you have and wouldn’t want you to change it.

      Reply to Ronald Reed

  12. I’ve not had intercourse for over 23 yrs. My new friend suggested masterbation .I’ve only been stimulating my clitorus and orgasm but inserting anything is painful. Over the years I’ve always washed and trimmed my pubic area but never actually took a peak. Frankly I’m quite alarmed. It looks saggy and darker. I was always pretty down there. What’s wrong and how to fix. Desperate

    Reply to Deborah Ann Harmon

  13. Thanks for pointing out vaginal looseness can also be a matter of having enough strength in my pelvic muscles. I’m considering to undergo a cosmetic surgery soon for my condition because it has been affecting other aspects of my life already. I should probably know first how this would affect a potential future pregnancy though.

    Reply to Alice Carroll

      1. Don’t feel bad. I love a lose vagina! There is just so much more that you can do with one. Plus I’m not the only guy that feels like that. You have something special. Be proud of it!

  14. I love a woman who is a little loose. It makes sex easier, and sex toys are more fun to play with. All men love seeing a vagina stretch out, it’s some weird inherit trait we men all have. If a loose vagina is lubricated sufficiently it can make sex feel silky and nice on the penis. A loose vagina also offers other stimulating features as well, like being able to use a vibrator inside with a penis simultaneously, which can be a benefit to both male and female. Don’t worry so much about a loose vagina, embrace it! You won’t be disappointed and neither will your partner.

    Reply to Brian

  15. I think one major set back is that women remember every word that some a hole said to them throughout their life and dwell on it. Just let these feelings disintegrate the same way mens feeling of love with more mature women did. Most men are way past feeling like a women twice or 3 times their age is to old. If there is anything that internet porn has taught men (and a lot of women) is that your age doesn’t make you less beautiful. I promise you there are plenty of guys out there that will love your mind, body, and your vagina just how it is. You are perfect and you need to start acting like it. I work with primarily guys and find that about 70 percent of them would not care that you are 69 and they are 20 to 40 and actively seek out women just like you.

    Reply to Rob Tint

    1. Rob, very encouraging to many women in this situation, i am sure. My wisdom tells me not all the guys commenting here are lying. Love how you used and spelled “a hole”. It made me laugh. Yes put the haters in their place as older women should not be rejected even if they feel too loose. Men need to realize there are other methods besides vaginal. I have never wanted to be pregnant and in fact turned off by use of the vagina.

      Reply to Sherry Bueg

  17. Hi joan, just read the article about the woman who was concerned about having weak vagina muscles. Personally I prefer woman who are both older and have weak vagina muscles. I have a sensitive penis, which makes me ejaculate within minutes. I have had sex with a woman who had weak vagina muscles and we banged for 40 minutes straight. ( which was great as I usually last about 2 mins max) Hence I seek out women who are older and not so fit as they were when they were young. I enjoy sex with mature older women ( I am 60 years old ) The problem I find is older women (for some reason ) are just not into sex.
    I encourage the woman in the article to keep searching, someone will come along and be nonjudgemental and give her what she is seeking. Blessing to all.
    I live in Australia.

    Reply to Frank Hammond

  18. Very good and solid article with honest medical answer. I also enjoyed the positive reassurance that this beautiful aging lady is not defective. God designed sex to be enjoyed all through life. You have all the accessories for sex and you are beautiful, most of all I can hear love in her heart…do not be afraid to Love and be Loved again.

    Reply to Byron Harano

  19. My Wife is Diabetic, occasionally , the vagina slacks out and she attribute this To her sickness. She is had to wet, but once wet, it slacks out and can’t feel her. Can Diabetes cause a lose vagina. Can the grip slack out?

    Reply to Wilson

  20. Hello, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your blog site in Chrome, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has
    some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!

    Other then that, wonderful blog!

    Reply to reflection

  21. Vaginas can get looser over time because of vaginal muscle weakness. When your muscles are strong they are more elastic and can close tighter around an object. This elasticity goes both ways, it allows for a woman to accept bigger and smaller objects comfortably. A lot of women are told that their vaginas simply are and there’s not much you can do about it but it’s not true.

    Reply to Mia

  22. I am 49 years old and I know I am very loose. It got worse for the last 10 years. Therefore, for many years, I have been doing Kegel on a regular basis. If I stop it for 10 days or so, I feel loose again and so does my husband. I realize some people try to comfort women saying it is the husband and never the woman’s problem, that is not true.

    When I was 23, my ex told me i was loose and I ignored it because I felt he was just trying to insult me. But I took action many years later when I realized that could be true.
    Yes Kegel works !

    Reply to Solome

  23. “Kegel” exercises are an Urban Myth!
    I do Sex Counseling, and {many years ago} I recommended Kegels because that is what I was taught in Med School.
    However– in Real Life, I have yet to ‘see’ them work for Tightening Vaginas — they don’t.
    Kegels ARE effective for those who have Bladder/Frequent Urination problems. Just not in making Women Tight again.

    Reply to FRANK

  24. To me a loose vagina is sexy and fun. It feels amazing to penetrate a warm squishy vagina and feel like you are falling in. A tight vagina makes me climax too soon and can be uncomfortable. A large loose vagina offers many opportunities for experimentation with large toys, multiple fingers, vaginal fisting, inserting penis and fingers simultaneously. You can do all this gently and touch areas deep inside that otherwise may be in accessible or ignored. I love a gentle silky grip and love to look deep inside a woman’s hole and see it gape. You can fondle suck and pull on the lips and clitoral stimulation. Embrace your slack hole ladies if you have one you are blessed. You may need to try different techniques to get off but it’s so much fun and beautiful and womanly. Soft skin, curves, and deep wide vaginas, saggy breadth, big bubble butts all what I love and many other men out there!

    Reply to Barney Brit

  25. I am 58 years old and my husband is 6 years younger than I am. Because I have had kids and am older, things aren’t quite the same as they used to be down there, if you know what I mean. I have been using myotaut serum for a couple of weeks and can tell when I am massaging it in that I’m much tighter, yay!

    Reply to Virginia

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