COMMENTS

6 responses to “Turned Off”

1. 70s and 80s actually enjoying sex!? I am 71 and it is over 10 years since my wife and I had sex. I feel our marriage is dead as a result. We are drifting further and further apart. I doubt if we love each other anymore, though we pretend we do for social reasons only.

   By example, New Years Eve 2017, my wife went to bed at 9.15 pm and most nights the timing is not much different. There is no laughter, no fun, no daring, no sexiness. Any spark in our relationship seemed to have started to die with the announcement that “The doctor says I am dry and that is why it hurts, and there is nothing that can be done about it”. Any attempts to be tender from that point on, made me feel like I was a dirty old man, and it didn’t take too long to give up even thinking about even trying; thing is though, I still have desires and frankly I hate living like this. Tempted to find a lover, but ashamed at the same time and therefore have never done so.

   I feel at times, guilty, angry, depressed, terribly alone and wonder why I even stay in the same house. I do not want to hurt my wife, or for that matter, hurt myself, but what can I do.

   Reply to Neil J

2. I should have said more about Sensate Focus as it is one of the best tools we have for improving sex. One person has the role of receiver. She does nothing special except to receive the pleasure which her partner can lavish on her body. What she does is note what feels good and what doesn’t and communicate that to the “giver” partner. We sometimes call this body-mapping. It may be the first time the couple really develops a mutual knowledge and understanding of what feels good and what doesn’t. After several sessions (Maybe 4 days to one week of daily sessions), the partners switch roles. Usually the couple is asked not to have intercourse, even it they want it. Of course, often the couple winds up disobeying this, to their own surprise.

   There are several variations under care of a sex therapist, but this will help even without. In my experience, couples often come in after a few days, to sheepishly admit that they had a great session of mutual masturbation or even intercourse.

   Reply to David Pittle

3. Hi Joan.
   I’m one of your biggest fans, having read all your books as part of my studies, I’ve been greatly inspired to work primarily with the Boomers in my practice. As a Boomer myself, I know the feeling of losing the youthful firmness of my body and noticing how self-consciousness is slowly seeping into my sexual experience with my partner. It’s insidious and unforgiving, and I view it as a mind monster who wants to undermine my pleasure. In short, it is not my friend and it’s not welcome in the bedroom or anywhere else for that matter.
   As a Sex and Intimacy Coach in the SF Bay Area, I will often use hypnotherapy with my coaching clients to disempower feelings and beliefs around sex and relationships. As one of your readers says, these feelings are “deeply entrenched and so far has refused to budge”.
   Past experiences and cultural messaging create our conscious and unconscious beliefs about sex, and from my experience our conscious awareness is only the tip of the iceberg. By far, it’s our unconscious beliefs that dictate our sexual experience. In my opinion hypnotherapy is one of the most powerful tools to change our sexual experience. We don’t need to suffer belief systems that undermine our intimate lives. Just as our mind can be our worst enemy in the bedroom, so can it also be our greatest ally in creating desire, sexual excitement, focused pleasure, and confidence in our changing bodies.
   Thank you for your work in educating our aging population and being such a brilliant advocate for senior sex.

   Reply to Corinne Farago

4. I am 86 years old and have been celibate for many years for a variety of reasons, disliking the changes in my body being only one of them, but it’s a major one. I think I am vain, and can’t stand to no longer have the terrific body I had as a young woman. Don’t bother telling me that I need to change my attitude/feelings about my body – I know that! But it’s deeply entrenched and so far has refused to budge. I suspect that falling in love might crack that wall, but I haven’t met a man I’m even vaguely interested in for many years, and the older I get (86!) the less likely it is that I will.

   That said, I think it’s immensely sad that Turned Off has such a rich partnership at her age – I envy her – and can’t revel in her husband’s appreciation of her. She must want to change her feelings about it or she would not have written to you, but I’m here to say I understand and empathize with her resistance. I hope eventually that she’ll write back to tell us what change/progress she has been able to make.

   Reply to Toni La Puma

5. Myself and my partner are 70 yrs old and absolutely love our sex life. We are products of the 60’s “make love – not war”! We do not drink alcohol, excersie daily and are very open with each other about what we like/don’t like. Sex toys, erotic movies and marijuana will definitely get you in the mood!
   Aging gracefully with a lot of positivity along with a clean diet and lots of communication works wonders. None of this stuff is rocket science.

   Reply to Sylvie Berry

6. Good advice, Joan. I notice that almost all of it has to do with changing behavior. We’ve been over-psychologized to think that our emotions/feelings are spontaneous and rise up from within us. But long ago, psychology learned that to a large extent, the opposite is true. Emotions are mostly created by our thoughts and thoughts about behaviors. That led to one of the best, popular “shrinky” sayings, “Fake it till you make it.” (Of course, that’s not the only cause, just he major one.)

   One of my clients admitted that when her husband began to make love to her, her mind began to plan the grocery list for the next day. How sexy is that? Her culture taught her that a woman’s job was to be a receptacle for her husband’s penis. So her early learning was reasserting itself.

   In addition, most of us older folk were raised in sex-negative public atmosphere. Perhaps, as we age, some of those early childhood learnings try to push their way back into operation.

   Another thought. Perhaps “Turned Off” could instigate some time with sensate focus. Sensate focus at its basic level does not include intercourse. It is just a loving exchange of information, discovering what feels good with no expectations.

   Reply to David Pittle