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Open Thread

Open Thread Update: Why Is Staying in Touch So Hard?

By Virge Friday, July 29, 2022 21 Comments Share This:

Last time shared my frustrations with staying in touch with people; the responses were a mixed bag .

Some readers knew exactly how I felt.

Hi Virge! my experience leads me to believe that people are just lazy and Facebook,etc. make it too easy.

-dot

Ellen brings up an important point…

This all rings so true! Now that I’m retired and things are opening up again, it’s a quandary what to do about our friend’s group that used to get together for fun or card games. Also, every time I turn around we’re all older and someone is getting sick or having a knee replacement.

-Ellen

Others not so much….

Wow!! How patronizing that ”I can’t waste 90 minutes shooting the breeze” with your retired friends! Ageism loud and clear!

Mary C. 

Reader Donna M. simply opted out of the dynamic and moved to an active over 55 community, but others had a more balanced approach that sounds pretty good to me…

Our choices for how we spend time as we get older change, and it’s wonderful when you find people who want to spend time with you, and vice versa.

Rose J.

Readers GJ, Sandra and Meri had some good advice I’ll keep in mind – check their approach in the comments….and feel free to add your own!

In case you missed it, last week’s column is below.  

For some reason, it seems to take the logistical equivalent of a moon launch just to arrange a simple get together with two or three people.

It takes a few phone calls, checking the phone, or the schedule, or google calendar.  Plus finding a place to meet (I just ate there, it’s too expensive, I don’t want to take the subway because of monkeypox, we won’t get there in time) – and agreeing on a compromise that nobody likes but at least it’s fair!

No wonder so many people are relying on Facebook and drive-by friendships…but just try moving things into IRL (In Real Life).

Pseudo-friendships

Relationships and friendships are not perpetual motion machines, where there’s one push and it keeps going forever. So why would they stop? I think there are several reasons.

Please, Your Majesty!

First, people get tired of always being the one to initiate.  After a certain point, it’s easy to give up if you’re the only one making an effort most of the time. It conjures up an unpleasant image of an underling in silk knickers and a powdered wig begging the Sun King for an audience.

I also think there’s also a big divide in our age group between retirees and people still working. I love my retired friends but sometimes I can’t spare 90 minutes shooting the breeze.

I also think the pandemic spoiled us – we’re simply out of practice and got way too comfortable on the couch.

It seems odd that for all the new ways to stay in touch with people…Facebook, texts, IMs, Zoom….so many people seem lonelier than ever. Are we all really that busy? Or are we just….lazy?

What’s your theory? And how do you combat it? Let us know in the comments!

Virge Randall is Senior Planet’s Managing Editor. She is also a freelance culture reporter who seeks out hidden gems and unsung (or undersung) treasures for Straus Newspapers; her blog “Don’t Get Me Started” puts a quirky new spin on Old School New York City. Send your suggestions for Open Threads to her at editor@seniorplanet.org.

 

COMMENTS

21 responses to “Open Thread Update: Why Is Staying in Touch So Hard?”

  1. Michael Rainger:
    Tuesday, August 2, 2022 at 5:16pm

    I just reached out to my 2 sons back east.

    My youngest (25) was in a great relationship for 3 years and moved in with his girlfriend 2 years ago.

    Received a brief text 2 weeks after he bought and used a BBQ on July 4th that they had broken up?

    He had just spent a week at a lake in Virginia where his older brother (54), constantly gives bad advise.

    Drove 1400 miles to help. Both sons ignored me – no phone calls or texts. Drove back last Friday.

    Crushed.

    Lonely divorced dad

    Reply to Michael Rainger
  2. Rose Jaye:
    Tuesday, July 26, 2022 at 6:27pm

    We all have the same amount of time, and it comes down to choices regarding how we want to spend it. If people/things are worth your time, you will make the effort to engage with them. If they are not, you will choose to spend your time elsewhere. This is true whether you are the initiator or responder to requests for spending time together. Our choices for how we spend time as we get older change, and it’s wonderful when you find people who want to spend time with you, and vice versa.

    Reply to Rose Jaye
  3. GJ:
    Tuesday, July 26, 2022 at 5:25pm

    I too feel that I’m the one usually initiating contact and it does hurt the ego a bit. I realize that I’m not in the same neighborhood or workplace or even close friend circle with some of the folks I want to spend time with so I’ll continue to reach out. If these folks are worth your time then keep the communication lines open. Being social helps your mental health tremendously! Plus you have no idea what they are going through.

    Reply to GJ
  4. Donna Mercer:
    Tuesday, July 26, 2022 at 5:18pm

    I was always the organizer to get people together, but I got tired of no one else taking the initiative
    We started looking at active over 55 communities across America
    We found one that suits us
    It offers golf tennis pickleball dining classes and events
    We are moving
    Someone else will now organize and we will be happy to partake

    Reply to Donna Mercer
    1. Michelle James:
      Wednesday, July 27, 2022 at 6:46pm

      You go girl!! We must stay in our old home because our disabled daughter is not allowed in Senior Communities. So I live vicariously through my friends who do!! LOL!!

      Reply to Michelle James
  5. Mary:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 10:09pm

    What happened to my comment?

    Reply to Mary
  6. Art Chippendale:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 5:41pm

    I find Senior Planet’s articles vacuous and irrelevant. Older adults are still adults, children. SP fails to advise readers on how to navigate or even survive our rapidly changing culture, politics and financial crisis.
    Sorry. I just don’t have time for you.

    Reply to Art Chippendale
    1. Belinda:
      Wednesday, July 20, 2022 at 3:27pm

      Thank you for your thoughts Art. My thoughts: S.P. can lead you to other platforms. That’s why I keep reading these threads! I suggest you check out OATS.org for a plethora of hands-on solutions, DIY, very adult and co-generational navigation through challenges of living outside the box. Pun intended.

      Reply to Belinda
      1. Meri Hanlon:
        Monday, July 25, 2022 at 4:57pm

        Thank you for this article. I’m also working, but I’m off for the summer–somewhat retired during late June, July, and August. When teaching online during the pandemic, I would list things to do for the day–things that needed to be accomplished to stay on track. I think that you need to be planful to make those calls or send a text to initiate plans. Also, to keep plans simple–a walk in the park, a stop for coffee, or a lunch or dinner date. Great reminder–many thanks. Meri

  7. Ellen:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 5:33pm

    This all rings so true! Now that I’m retired and things are opening up again, it’s a quandry what to do about our friend’s group that used to get together for fun or card games. Also, every time I turn around we’re all older and someone is getting sick or having a knee replacement.

    Reply to Ellen
    1. Michelle James:
      Wednesday, July 27, 2022 at 6:44pm

      I, too, have been trying to find my way after retirement, less than a year ago. I’ve had some health and home challenges, but they are resolved for now. I want a part time job but even though they say they don’t discriminate, they do. Pushing on. Let’s support each other, whether we work or not. Doesn’t have to be lengthy, but staying in touch is heart-warming!! It may be a hot summer, but that doesn’t warm the heart!!

      Reply to Michelle James
  8. Sandra:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 3:33pm

    Great ! People have to remember we all need each other in one way or the other. Communication is very important. Take time to reach out to others, don’t worry about who returns a call, text or wave. Just understand how it makes to feel to reach out to others. You will get more joy out of your intentional actions than u know. Have a wonderful day

    Reply to Sandra
  9. Mary C Collins:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 3:28pm

    Wow!! How patronizing that” I can’t waste 90 minutes shooting the breeze” with your retired friends! Ageism loud and clear!

    Reply to Mary C Collins
    1. Virge:
      Wednesday, July 20, 2022 at 10:11am

      HI there, maybe you didn’t notice in the text, but I said I couldn’t spare 90 minutes. I didn’t say it was a waste.

      Reply to Virge
  10. dotwich:
    Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 3:27pm

    Facebook, texts, IMs, Zoom….so many people seem lonelier than ever. Are we all really that busy? Or are we just….lazy?
    Hi Virge! my experience leads me to believe that people are just lazy and Facebook,etc. make it too easy. Just click on a like or a mijoli and press send. I email and ask questions that demand a response – like why haven’t you gotten back to me when I asked you my question about ………

    Reply to dotwich
    1. Michelle James:
      Wednesday, July 27, 2022 at 6:52pm

      I find I’ve gotten a bit lazy, admittedly. When I retired I had a plethora of challenges and now that it’s settled down to a dull roar, I find I am relaxing too much!! LOL!! I find myself making excuses, such as too hot outside. Bad me!!

      Reply to Michelle James
  11. Ron Reggev:
    Monday, July 18, 2022 at 1:09am

    I am member of Aarp/United Healthcare. How do i review my account online

    Reply to Ron Reggev
    1. senior planet:
      Monday, July 18, 2022 at 10:51am

      Sorry but you’ll have to contact AARP/UHC to find out hows to do that; this forum is not equipped to handle queries like this.

      Reply to senior planet
      1. Robyn Delfin:
        Tuesday, July 19, 2022 at 3:38pm

        I wish I knew. My closest friends are deceased and my husband has Parkinson’s. I would like to meet people on zoom or in person. I am 76 years old and live in Morningside Heights

      2. Joy:
        Tuesday, July 26, 2022 at 7:17pm

        Contact your local HICAP, they can help. Good luck!

    2. Belinda:
      Friday, July 22, 2022 at 11:41am

      Hi Ron, in order to find out about how other folks get info from health care people, even financial suggestions:
      Free daily, weekly events are offered through Senior Planet.org about health and have a huge community. Maybe spend a morning checking out the events. Maybe search boxes on Senior Planet.org. about “seniors and health care decision”
      I am pretty sure you will find some info during live free events. Good luck!

      Reply to Belinda

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