The online world can be a wonderful place to meet people….but many find it a frustrating place where people brag about hundreds of “friends” they’ve never met. Connectivity online may not mean connections online.
Forming true connections
First, find people who share your interests on an online platform. This can be cooking, knitting, owning a Bichon Frise dog, your city, your neighborhood or where you grew up, books, history, the outdoors, a sports team, dining out or a support group (for caregivers, health problems etc.). You name it, there’s a group for it.
On Facebook click “groups” on the left, then type in a keyword. Most groups are public (anyone can join and read posts), but some are private (you need to be approved before reading or posting, by answering some questions). Meetup offers interest groups who meet in real life (at least, before COVID; some resumed on Zoom or with social distancing), and you can pick the distance from your location (two-100 miles, or anywhere). For 50+ folks only, Stitch offers interest groups who meet virtually as well as discussion forums.
One woman’s experience
Jessica Levant (at left), an artist who is 60+, favors Meetup. First, she joined a local group of walkers in San Francisco. “I made a few real connections, and some ties remain friends after meeting almost 20 years ago,” she says. Then, she joined a social group in her age range who wanted to ‘do stuff’ together. “After many interesting performances, newly-discovered eateries and day trips, some people became familiar, and one of my closest friends now came from that group years ago.” Levant adds. She later joined Meetups for artists, jazz, and photography lovers.
“The artists’ group, where we present and discuss our own art and get valuable (or arguable!) feedback, is a tight group and the only Meetup I continued during lockdown. We used to meet in a gallery. But it turns out we can function quite nicely without the wine and cheese!”
A Facebook group for travel, food and wine writers nationwide was how Penny Sadler, 61, a makeup artist in Dallas, met a Los Angeles woman she now visits at least one a year.
Don’t rush it!
But making a real friend takes time. In real life, it takes an average of 50 hours of time together to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend, about 80-100 hours to transition to a real friend, then about 200 hours to deepen to a close friend, found a study by Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, who studies social media and relationships. So the best way to make friends online is to mimic the optimal conditions in real life, like routineness, motivation and reciprocity (feeling you are heard and understood when you reveal personal things), as much as possible. In the real world, regular events at, say, 6 PM on Tuesday guarantee the same people interested in the same thing will interact on a regular basis, and such proximity and frequency often blossom into friendship.
Persistence, consistency is key
Don’t blame technology if you drop into groups sporadically, and just “lurk” when you do. “You have to do the work, and participate, not just be passive. People who don’t use the capacity of technology won’t benefit,” says Hall, author of Relating Through Technology (Cambridge University Press, 2020), a book that analyzes the good and bad things in the online world. As Woody Allen once said, 90 percent of life is showing up. Apply the advice on older adults making friends in Marla Paul’s book to online platforms. Remember, the best friend you’ve ever had you may not have met yet!
Try these tips
- Reflect first: don’t just rush online. Consider your interests, and look for communities with similar interests. Offer information that may help others.
- Think narrow and local. This increases the chances to meet group members in real life, either planned or by pure chance. For example, Hall belongs to a Facebook group dedicated to clouds in Northeast Kansas, who share photos of vivid sunrises and sunsets. If a simpatico pal lives in Kyrgyzstan, you may not see them for a long, long time.
- Participate: post messages and reply regularly. Don’t just read. In fact, that can worsen your mood, a study of passive Facebook usage found.
- Broaden your definition of a friend. What you wanted in friends years ago may not be what you want now.
- Don’t sound too needy. Don’t say you’re lonesome, even if you are. It’s a turn-off. “Research shows it’s quite common for lonely people to behave in ways that exacerbate their isolation,” says Hall.
What’s your experience been with online socializing? Do you have any other tips? Let us know in the comments! And don’t forget – you can always socialize virtually with Senior Planet’s online activities – from book clubs to exercise classes and more. Check it out here.
I’m a spunky senior citizen that has a husband in The Masonic home with dementia. I do not have Many friends. My interests are cooking reading. Learning new things from tax laws to investments..I enjoy movies , bingo and perhaps cards! I like day trips and currently live in Ohio but still love my home state of Delaware . I am in good health and not on medication. Would enjoy phone friend. Pen pal or live visits .
What would you Suggest I am a caregiver of my husband I am 76 years old and don’t have time to socialize except maybe an hour I haven’t any friends his cancer has forced us to be unemployed and possibly give up our house, presently he is in rehab where I spend 4 hrs daily. I would like telephone or email or text friends if possible thank you for any help I am located in WPB Fl but I know that makes mo difference. Just a voice a presence. My dog died recently and can’t be placed. Pls any ideas
Hello….. I am looking for a friend for my mother. It’s a hard world to make friends plus she is over 70 and has some physical restrictions. If you want to share your email I will have her write to you.
It seems like a beautiful sunny day makes us cheerful and happy. It seems the world is smiling. I love new green leaves on the trees and colorful flowers. Nature appears to applaud the coming of spring. Isn’t it a wonderful time of year?
I have loved Meetup.com. I have participated in local hiking groups, vegan cooking, gardening, animal rights, a book group, and grandparent connections. There is every interest available in any geographic location and it’s free to join. You can see members first in a group you are interested in to see if it looks good for you. Whether there are charges for the activities you choose depends on the group, but I find plenty of free ones that I enjoy. Instagram is fun if you like to post your photos or videos and like to be artsy with them. Goodreads.com is great place to share book reviews and get or give book recommendations, learn of author events. Volunteermatch.org is one of many sites that offers you many different volunteer opportunities in your locale to check out. There are other good sites too. This article did not discuss the effect of pandemic. Most of my groups are not meeting in-person at this time and it’s all online, though hiking is starting to have small hikes with public health guidelines, but often ask that older adults not be part of it until things are safer. The vaccines should help that.
This sounds incredible. I am writing a book for seniors called” Legacy Living”. I moved in the past few years and have found myself without a real community yet. I am exploring ways to change that. Right now my best friends don’t know me, as I spend much of my time reading and I think of the authors are my best friends. That is a wonderful thing, but I would likesome more reciprocal relationships, so I am thinking this might be a great place to start. I really need help learning tech to go forward with my life in this new, hopefully, post covit world. My background is marketing. I am unclear on what volunteer opportunities are available through this group. I find this information extensive and yet unclear to me. Help.
Hi Mary Jane – This is Linda. I’m also writing a book, the first one I’ve co-authored, and it’s fun! My husband and I moved to the central coast area of California during the Covid shut-down, to help with a grandson. That was a difficult time to find new friends, but being active in church and in a local art center has helped. I sing in the choir, (now in person), and help the art center with its fund-raising and visual arts program. Would love to hear about your book, and to share about mine.