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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email email@example.com.
I’m 61 and recently started dating a wonderful man of 67. We are like teenagers in love. Our physical and emotional chemistry is off the charts. He is the most tender, giving, attentive lover I have ever had. I am absolutely crazy about this man, and we spend hours in bed pleasuring each other. However, despite being completely turned on, I almost never reach orgasm.
The few times that I’ve been able to have orgasms with my amazing man through manual stimulation, they’ve been quite weak, not the intensity I remember from the good old days. He has erection issues and has just started using Cialis, which should be fabulous once we get the dosage right. I think I’ll have the best chance of stronger and more frequent orgasms when he is able to hold his erection and penetrate me when I am on top, which is the way I most often orgasmed in my younger years. He reaches his orgasm when we masturbate him together, but he can’t hold his erection long enough to orgasm inside me.
Before I met my lover, I was married for 25 years; I was widowed two years ago. My sexual relationship with my spouse had been seriously lacking for a long time, and I went years without orgasms. I have never masturbated or used a vibrator. I have watched my lover masturbate and he wants to watch me, but I really don’t know what to do or how to do it.
My man is completely devoted to pleasuring me. He stimulates me both manually and orally and will continue for as long as necessary in an attempt to satisfy me. Even without orgasm I am pleasured beyond my wildest dreams. We have an incredible emotional connection which heightens our physical connection.
I feel that my problem is physical, not a result of anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and without inhibitions. I want to explore and play and experiment sexually with my lover in every way. We have bought a number of sex toys such as penis rings which help him keep his erection, a fun feather tickler, and silk wrist restraints. We are able to communicate effortlessly about what works and doesn’t work.
Physically, we are absolutely on fire with one another. Neither of us ever imagined this level of arousal, desire, and crazy chemistry at our ages. So how can I be more orgasmic? We are both completely open to any suggestions you might have. Ah, the adventures of mature love! —Orgasmless
I love these stories of later life romance — you’re so lucky to have found each other! It’s wonderful that you’re so connected, turned on by each other and willing to please each other. Your attitude is terrific — you enjoy the sexual interaction whether or not it leads to orgasm, and you’re eager to explore.
I’d like to suggest one adjustment in the way you’re looking at this, though: Let go of the expectation that to achieve your goal, you need to have sex in this one position that used to work for you. You said yourself that you hadn’t had satisfying sex in many years. Our responses change as we age, and just because that position worked for you years ago doesn’t mean that it would do the trick now. Since your partner can’t achieve that position with you anyway, I think that letting go of woman-on-top as the Gold Standard would serve you well.
Instead, you know that I’m going to recommend trying vibrators – I always recommend trying vibrators! You list some sex toys and accessories that you include in your sex play, but you haven’t tried the one type whose sole function is to stimulate you to orgasm: a well-chosen vibrator. Having your partner use the vibrator with you, maybe using his fingers at the same time, may be what your body needs to get over the hump (so to speak) toward more and better orgasms. Read my “Senior’s Guide to Vibrators” on Senior Planet for information, and also check out the many vibrator reviews on my blog.
Masturbation is the way to learn your best route to orgasm. The more you pleasure yourself, the more easily aroused you will become – on your own or with a partner – especially as you age. Most women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone, because they need direct clitoral stimulation. Self-pleasuring will help you learn ways to stimulate your clitoris before, during and after partner intercourse by adding a vibrator, your partner’s fingers, or your own.
Many (though not all) women like the feeling of vaginal penetration along with clitoral stimulation – it sounds like this is true for you, since your favorite position includes both – so try masturbation with both internal and external stimulation from fingers and/or vibrator(s). Work on your Kegel exercises, too – stronger pelvic floor muscles give you more intense orgasms.
One more thing you should consider: Your infrequent and weak orgasms might have a medical cause — lowered estrogen or testosterone, a medication you’re taking, or another medical condition that might be interfering. Get your doctor involved.
Here are some additional resources:
- “Weak or Absent Orgasm” from MiddlesexMD: https://seniorplanet.org//middlesexmd.com/pages/weak-or-absent-orgasm
- “Still Juicy: Maintaining Sexual Health through and beyond Menopause” from A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center: https://sexualityresources.com/ask-dr-myrtle/sexual-health-events-3-menopause-womens-urologic-issues/still-juicy-maintaining-sexual
- “Better Orgasms: 5 tips every woman should know” by Dr. Pepper Schwartz from Vibrant Nation: https://seniorplanet.org//www.vibrantnation.com/groups/love-sex/blog/more-and-better-orgasms-after-50-5-tips-for-great-sex-after-menopause/
I hope you enjoy this delightful journey toward self-discovery and more/better orgasms! —Joan
- Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
- Send Joan your questions by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.