Joan Rivers’ funeral requests (via her book ‘I Hate Everyone…Starting with Me’) inc. paparazzi, craft services, Meryl pic.twitter.com/y1E4uO1RFT

— Brian Rie$ (@moneyries) September 4, 2014

Shortly after the fearlessly acid-tongued comedian Joan Rivers died on September 4 at age 81, Brian Ries, an editor at Mashable, tweeted this excerpt from her 2012 book, “I Hate Everyone…Starting With Me.”
“When I die, I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action…I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing “Mr. Lonely.” I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyoncé’s.”

Ries points out that Rivers loved funerals – “to me, a funeral is just a red carpet show for dead people” – and hated people who died of natural causes.

“If you’re going to die, die interesting!”

She also hated “the minister who says, ‘He’s in a better place now.’ I’m tempted to yell out, ‘No he’s not. He had a house in the Hamptons. What’s wrong with you?””

RIP Joan Rivers, eternal Brooklynite.

• Read all of Mashable’s Rivers quotes
• See also You Too Can Look Weirder

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