“The lawyers made them put that in,” he scoffed. “Because, of course, you know that’s the first place people are going to use it, and something could go horribly wrong.”

What could go horribly wrong? We Googled it and couldn’t find anything. So we returned to the instructions. “It says not to use it on a sleeping person,” I said. “Do you think that’s a safety issue? Or a ‘don’t annoy sleeping people‘ issue?”

“What I want to know is why it says FOR HOUSEHOLD USE ONLY?”

“Why shouldn’t they? That could only reduce road rage,” Mark said.

“Let’s take it for a spin,” I suggested.

I stretched out on the bed and Mark plugged it in, started it up and proceeded to give me a soothing massage. The device, which is slightly larger than a blow dryer, did most of the work.

We decided that Wahl Hot &Cold Therapy Massager was too formal a name for something that was clearly going to play a major part in our relationship. We decided to call the device “Mr. Yippee.”

After 18 years of enjoying a loving, monogamous union, we’ve decided to open up our relationship to include Mr. Yippee. We snuggle, then take turns administering hot vibrating massages.

I know what you’re thinking—can you enjoy Mr. Yippee on your own? Absolutely. He’s ergonomically designed, so it’s easy to go solo. But like most things, it’s a lot more fun when you do it with a loved one.

World leaders should be required to administer hot vibrating Mr. Yippee massages to each other before important negotiations. I dream of a world where, instead of everyone being on their smartphones all the time, we’d each enjoy our own portable Mr. Yippee.

If everyone had a Mr. Yippee, would the world be a better, more relaxed place? I‘d love to find out.

Roz Warren writes for the New York Times, the Huffington Post and many other publications. She recently appeared on the “Today Show.” You can read more of her work at www.rosalindwarren.com and connect with her on Facebook and Twitter @WriterRozWarren.

This essay first appeared on www.zestnow.com