Duh! I hadn’t turned them on.

I admitted my faux pas to my Facebook friends, and one commented: RTFM. (Translation: Read the *%$*ing manual!) I hate manuals – but I refuse to take the rap on this. I had actually looked for a manual and found only a warranty booklet. When did they start making electronic gadgets and not even bothering to write instructions, I wondered?

What is it with manuals?

Why do people hate manuals, anyway? Simple. Most are as incomprehensible as the devices they’re supposed to explain. Why is this? The answer is also simple. They’re not written by me, or by someone like me who knows what people like me – or like you – need to know. They’re written by the product designers, who are so removed from the buying public that they have no idea how to explain their products. Because they’re under 30, the designers can also read the tiny print their manuals come in.

Some people read manuals selectively, usually based on age. My carpenter/handyman who is pushing 60 has no problem reading a manual when he’s assembling a desk or installing a gas stove, but he relies on his kids to explain his cell phone. My friend Denise Terry, who is around my age, says, “I feel like my brain is completely unable to take in what the manuals offer. I do read directions for assembling toys and furniture – but nothing about electronics.”

It’s not that I don’t want to read the manual – I always mean to get around to it – but  somehow it never happens. I “play with” the device until I figure it out.  Or not.

Why I never set the alarm on my digital alarm clock

Read it and weep.

A. Under {time display mode} press the [MODE] key to enter the {alarm display mode}. If no other operation occurs, it will return to {time display mode} automatically in 3 seconds.
B. Under {alarm display mode} press the [MODE] key to enter into {second display mode}. Press the [SET] key and the second value will be reset, and press the [MODE] key to return to the {time display mode}.
C. Under the time display mode.
a. Press the {SET} key to enter into the state of {alarm and chime setting}. At this time the alarm hour and the alarm minute will flicker together. Press the [MODE] key, the {alarm} and the {chime} might be switched on and off circularly.

I’ll use the other alarm clock – the one that ticks – thank you very much. (Or the one on my smartphone.)

Manuals with pictures and online manuals

Everything today comes disassembled, which is a nightmare for the spatially challenged among us. I once stared for an hour at the picture instructions that came with a standing lamp, but hopelessly twisted up the cord when I tried to put the sections of the pole together. I brought back the lamp and insisted that the salesman assemble it for me. Printers that come with illustrated “quick start” manuals should say “Quick start for engineers, slow start for English majors.”

Troubleshooting tips for the manualphobic

Search the online manual The upside of online manuals is that they’re searchable. Use Control+F to search for what you want, then print out the relevant pages and take your time figuring them out.

If you can’t find your printed manual Check out: Retrovo and Manuals Online. These websites have collected hundreds of user manuals, and you’re likely to find yours there, ready to download or print.

Buy the Dummies Book Bad manuals have been a boon for the company that publishes the “Dummies” books. Dilbert explains the underlying rationale.

Are you manualphobic? tell me about it!

Erica Manfred is a journalist, essayist and humorist who writes about everything from dentistry to divorce to fantasy fiction. Friend her on Facebook.