Welcome to our new Sex at Our Age columnist, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price! Every week during Senior Sex Month and then monthly, Joan will answer your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! (Read our Q&A with Joan here.)
I really do need your help. I have a husband who loves me and needs the intimacy we used to have. I seem to have lost the desire almost altogether, and my poor husband is suffering.
I was brought up in the 50s with parents who wouldn’t talk about sex. My husband was my first real lover, and although I had other experiences – the 70s and liberation and all that – I felt too guilty to enjoy them. One tempestuous affair back then took me by storm. By chance, I ran into that old lover on Facebook, and although we’ve both moved on, remembering our affair brings back those old sensations for me.
How can I use these feelings to help me reinvigorate my relationship with my husband, whom I love dearly? I really want to get my libido back.
—GuiltyFeelings
Good for you wanting to use the feelings that your old lover stirred in you to stimulate your desire for your husband. Fantasy is a great way to ramp up a tired libido, especially in a long marriage that feels sexually stale.
Whatever you fantasize that gets you going can benefit your marriage if it helps you feel sexually open to your husband again. No need for guilt – it’s not “cheating” to imagine a scenario that turns you on, even if it does involve another person. Just aim those juicy new feelings toward your husband and enjoy.
New relationships are wildly sexy, but after you’ve been together for decades, as much as you love each other, sex can become predictable and dull. It’s important to change it up and surprise each other regularly. Here are a few ways:
- Try new things: positions, environment, sex toys, sexy clothing, lubricants, erotica.
- Rediscover each other: Pretend that you’re new lovers, just finding out what the other person likes sexually. Explore different ways of touching.
- Start sensually: Before taking it to the next step, give him a massage or have him massage you; agree to kiss for 20 minutes; do a striptease for him – or have him do one for you!
- Pick a public place to role play that you don’t know each other. Flirt. Pick each other up. Seduce each other.
- Exchange memories about your early times together, when your love was new and exciting. Recapture those feelings by revisiting a place you used to go or doing something that was part of that time.
- Exercise first to get your blood flow going. This will make arousal faster and easier.
The more you have sex, the more easily arousal and desire will kick in. Rather than waiting to have sex until you’re in the mood, just go with it – concentrate on relaxing, free your mind from distractions and let yourself feel the sensations. Opening yourself to your physiological arousal will trigger your desire.
—Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex At Our Age.
To send Joan your questions, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price is the author of the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age.”
COMMENTS
6 responses to “How to Trigger Desire in a Stale Relationship”
A reader told me that this line serves her well: “It don’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home!” (Google tells me that it’s a song title by Jason Mraz’s drummer, Michael “Leroy” Bram.)
The take-away idea, which Starbringer said in a different way: if you bring that revved up sexual energy home to your spouse/partner, it doesn’t matter what your imagination did to start your desire and arousal.
So let go of the thought that it’s “wrong” to get turned on with a fantasy — fantasies are our buddies in bed!
In the U.S. we have a real problem with male circumcision. It ruins sex for men. Europe has much more sex than the U.S. and its hard not to conclude that its because they don’t cut off their incredibly sensitive foreskins.
I see so many people in so many different kinds of relationships who beat themselves up for being attracted or aroused by people other then the person closest to them, I try to remind someone that you can’t possibly be happy forcing your self to have eyes for only one person…and if it comes naturally to you, something dire maybe wrong.
Speaking from experience on this matter…
I’m so glad to see Joan Price on Senior Planet! And I love this answer. I’d add one more tip I received once: Turn off the TV!
I like what Joan says about change of venue. Take it out of the usual and let yourself relax somewhere new and different. And, while you’re at it, venture into new conversational territory. I like to imagine that my sig other is a bit of an iceberg, with a good part of him unknown to me. It’s sexy to probe, ask questions, solicit opinions. Try to see him as others do. And never assume you know. Watching your mate open up to you can be thrilling in lots of ways.
What a great idea, Rae! Your “iceberg” strategy must be revealing and quite a turn-on! You’re right that we can’t assume we know what our partner thinks, and we may discover fascinating surprises as our mate opens up!
Sign Up for Newsletters
There’s always a lot going on in the Senior Planet universe. Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing!
Sign Up Now
Join Senior Planet Community
Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform.
Join the Conversation Today
Upcoming Online Classes
Calendar of Events
S Sun
M Mon
T Tue
W Wed
T Thu
F Fri
S Sat
0 events,
12 events,
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Translation Tools
Intro to Translation Tools
This lecture will introduce digital translation tools and apps, such as Google Translate.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
29
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Internet of Things: Entertainment
Internet of Things: Entertainment
This lecture will explore the many ways we interact with IoT on a day-to-day basis and take a look at how it’s revolutionizing entire industries.
13 events,
30
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Krakow, Poland!
線上購物
線上購物
本講座將提供有關使用流行網站 Amazon.com 在線購買從洗碗精到日用雜貨等所有商品的一般介紹。
15 events,
31
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Money Matters
Money Matters
This lecture introduces online banking and goes over how to keep your financial information safe.
8 events,
1
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
P2P Payment Services
P2P Payment Services
In this lecture, you’ll learn about some of today’s most popular P2P payment services, including PayPal, Venmo, and CashApp.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
2
0 events,
3
0 events,
4
15 events,
5
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Affordable Home Internet
Affordable Home Internet
This lecture goes over basic information you need to know when signing up for home internet service.
13 events,
6
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Seville, Spain!
管理個人隱私簡介
管理個人隱私簡介
一起來學習互聯網隱私維護的小貼士吧!
14 events,
7
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Translation Tools
Intro to Translation Tools
This lecture will introduce digital translation tools and apps, such as Google Translate.
8 events,
8
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
This presentation will cover the ins and outs of how to protect your personal information online.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
9
0 events,
10
12 events,
11
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Mobile Health Apps
Mobile Health Apps
This lecture introduces common health apps, like the iPhone's built-in app and the Google Fit app.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
12
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Smartphones at a Glance
Smartphones at a Glance
In this lecture you’ll learn about popular smartphones on the market and some of their pros and cons.
12 events,
13
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Shopping
Online Shopping
This lecture will provide a general introduction to shopping online using the popular website Amazon.com.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
14 events,
14
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
eBay & PayPal
eBay & PayPal
This lecture provides an overview of the popular auction website eBay and the pioneer online payment service PayPal.
8 events,
15
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
This presentation will introduce you to apps that help you learn different languages, explore the arts and art history, and even show you how to play instruments.
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Today's session has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please join us next week.
0 events,
16
0 events,
17
12 events,
18
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Telemedicine
Telemedicine
This lecture provides an overview of telemedicine options and focuses on exploring virtual medical appointments with your doctor in real-time.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
19
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
All Things Zoom
All Things Zoom
This lecture will go over how to use Zoom to chat with friends & family, and take virtual classes with Senior Planet!
13 events,
20
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
In this introductory lecture, we'll go over what you need to start your first meeting, as well as some hosting tips to make it a success.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
21
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Food Delivery Apps
Food Delivery Apps
Learn about the pros and cons, how to search for new restaurants, and how to leave a tip and rating.
10 events,
22
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Podcasts
Podcasts
In this lecture, you'll learn more about these audio programs available on the internet: why people listen to them, where you can find them, and what the most popular ones are.
Mobile Health Apps
Mobile Health Apps
*REGISTRATION REQUIRED*
This lecture introduces common health apps, like the iPhone's built-in app and the Google Fit app.
0 events,
23
0 events,
24
13 events,
25
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Health Resources
Online Health Resources
Learn how to evaluate health-related information online.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
26
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
MyChart
MyChart
Learn how MyChart can help you keep all your health information in one place, communicate with your providers, and have a virtual visit.
12 events,
27
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Tunis, Tunisia!
關於 Zoom 的一切
關於 Zoom 的一切
了解如何使用 Zoom 與家人朋友聊天以及參與 Senior Planet 線上學習!
15 events,
28
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Concerned about privacy? Unsure about accepting cookies? Come learn about some essential privacy tips!
9 events,
29
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Travel Sites
Online Travel Sites
Learn the basics of using online travel sites to find the best fares and rates for just about any destination.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
30
Morning Stretch
Intro to Translation Tools
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Internet of Things: Entertainment
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
線上購物
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Money Matters
Morning Stretch
P2P Payment Services
Tai Chi
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Affordable Home Internet
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
管理個人隱私簡介
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Intro to Translation Tools
Morning Stretch
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Tai Chi
Morning Stretch
Mobile Health Apps
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Smartphones at a Glance
Morning Stretch
Online Shopping
Fit Fusion Workout
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
eBay & PayPal
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Morning Stretch
Telemedicine
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
All Things Zoom
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Fit Fusion Workout
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Food Delivery Apps
Morning Stretch
Podcasts
Mobile Health Apps
Morning Stretch
Online Health Resources
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
MyChart
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
關於 Zoom 的一切
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Morning Stretch
Online Travel Sites
Tai Chi
Recent Articles
Recent Comments