Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
I am a woman of 68. I have been faking my orgasm with my lover of two and a half years because he does little foreplay, and I am embarrassed to show him. I masturbate to get my pleasure.
He has never brought me to orgasm because he enters me as soon as he gets hard. I wish I could communicate that just because he is erect, that doesn’t mean I am ready. I need more hugging and kissing. Having my nipples stroked and my tummy rubbed turns me on. I need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Sex is satisfying in that I love the physical contact and hugs afterward, but I have never come with him. I started faking orgasm the first time we made love. He is tender and loving while we are having sex, and he is very sensitive about my being satisfied. I am worried that if I tell him the truth, he will be shocked and disappointed.
He is a sweet man, and I feel guilty about not being honest with him. I would like your advice on how to tell or show him the kind of attention I need.
—FakingOrgasm
You’re far from alone in faking orgasm. The Internet is full of women saying just what you say: “I’ve been faking orgasm – how do I tell him the truth now?” (Google that phrase – you’ll see what I mean.)
Let me first address why it’s a bad idea to fake orgasm – not to make you feel bad, but because other women may need to hear this. Then I’ll try to help you repair the damage.
- Men with sexual experience know that no two women are exactly alike in what kind of sexual stimulation they need to reach orgasm. If your lover is convinced that he knows how to make you come (get hard, get in, get you off), he’ll continue to repeat what he thinks works.
- The way you’re having sex isn’t what you like, but since he thinks it is, he has no incentive to try anything different. You say, “He doesn’t have a clue about foreplay,” but in fact you’ve “trained” him to skip the warm-up.
- Faking orgasm is dishonesty within an intimate part of your relationship. You know that, and that’s why you feel bad about it.
- The longer you fake it, the harder it will be to extricate yourself from this dishonesty.
Your intentions were loving – you wanted to make him feel good. Woman of our age were brought up to “please,” and our sex education rarely included how a woman experiences sexual pleasure or how to communicate that to a partner. How helpful it would have been if we knew how to say early in the relationship, “I know you want to please me. Let me tell/show you what I need to reach orgasm.”
What to do now? First, I applaud you for wanting to change things. You feel dishonest, and you realize that if you don’t tell him, you’ll never reach orgasm with him.
But you’re in a bind; you know he’ll be devastated to learn that he never really did bring you to orgasm. Is there a half-way strategy to get your sex life on track? I’m struggling with advising this, because I’m such a proponent of honest communication in a relationship, but I wonder if it might be a good move to tell him the truth, but not the whole truth – something like this:
“There are some ways I pleasure myself on my own that I’d love to teach you, so that I can enjoy sex with you even more. I respond to a long warm-up with lots of touching and kissing, and I get really aroused when my clitoris is stimulated. Can we try that when we make love, and save intercourse for the final act?”
So yes, you’re skipping the part about faking, but you’re changing everything for the better from now on. Lead him, teach him, and let him know when he’s doing what pleases you.
Realize, though, that if he asks, “How long has this been true?” or “So are you saying that what we’ve been doing hasn’t really pleased you?” you can’t retreat into a lie again – you’ll need to answer honestly. That will be the hardest conversation, and he’ll be hurt. If he asks, explain that you started out wanting to please him, and it snowballed to the point that you didn’t know how to back out and tell the truth, but you love him so much that you needed to come clean.
If you want to tell him the whole truth, you could also consider a suggestion from Debby Herbenick, PhD, research scientist at Indiana University and author of “Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered – For Better, Smarter, Amazing Sex.” She suggests that you start by saying something like, “This is so hard for me to say, because it makes me feel embarrassed or inadequate, but also makes me feel ashamed for being dishonest about my sexuality, so I hope you can be gentle with me…,” and then lead into the faking part.
I know this is hard. But consider how delicious it will be if your lover does exactly what you need, and you blast into orgasm with his assistance. Wouldn’t you prefer that? It’s not too late to teach him what he needs to know to make that happen. What a glorious sex life you’ll have together after that!
If this seems like an impossible task, you may want to have a session or two with a therapist who can help you figure out how to tell him, or even facilitate the conversation with both of you and the therapist in the room.
Your needs are perfectly normal. Most women need plenty of foreplay to get aroused before intercourse, and the older we get, the more we need. Even after plenty of warm-up, clitoral stimulation is necessary for most of us. Only about 25 percent of women have orgasms consistently through intercourse alone, and only about 50 percent sometimes do. About 20 percent seldom or never have orgasms during intercourse.
At our age, when it’s harder for women to reach orgasm than it used to be, there may be more women faking orgasm than we imagine – and how would we know, since few come forward and admit it?
I’d love to hear from other readers who had a pattern of faking orgasm and decided to stop. What happened when you told your partner? How did you teach your lover how to please you? How did your relationship change afterward? Let’s learn from each other.
—Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex At Our Age.
To send Joan your questions, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age.”
COMMENTS
10 responses to “How to Tell the Truth About Faking Orgasms”
Hello i’m A sixty three year old my male partner is two years young I can’t Orgasm with him any more but I do still now and then make my self have pleasure .why can’t I Orgasm With him ? He says I do I have only once with him we have been together seven years
I have been in a relationship for 2 yrs im 60 my partner is 50 his the perfect lover i have several Orgasms but just recently finding it hard to climax im really turned on but then it goes can u explain why or is it that it happens sometines
I would love to find a nice older gent to have these problems with. I have been alone for 20years and have been happy but at 81, it is time to see what all this is about. When I was with a man, I never told him what I needed so he never brought me to completion. Can you help me?
iknitem, to have your question considered for this column, email me at sexpert@seniorplanet.org with a bit of your background story and your question.
– Joan
Excellent advice. I daydream about a generation of people who 1) fake nothing sexually and 2) make enthusiastic consent and honest conversation priorities. Hopefully that’s the way that many cultures are evolving.
Oh, I hope so, Susan! We’re making a good start about the honest conversation here and at https://www.facebook.com/JoanPriceAuthor.
— Joan
I hesitate to comment on an article intended for the over 50 crowd because it’s such a waste. This problem—women unable to have vaginal orgasms—is not a woman problem, it’s a man problem and it needs to be resolved long before the age of 50. This woman’s “lover,” with his habit of sticking it in, thrusting until he comes, and then withdrawing is not unusual, he’s typical. It was years before I finally learned what orgasm (beyond self induced or post-coital manipulation by the guy who had already had his) was really about. Then I had a real lover. One with enough staying power to make the whole thing feel like really making love, not just f**king. His staying power was a product of his understanding of his own sexuality and mine and his ability to restrain himself until he had given pleasure as well as taken it. I found tremendous satisfaction as well as great orgasms in coitus. From then on I wouldn’t stand for anything less.
But the “slam-bam, thank you ma’am” syndrome has been allowed to go on and on because of 1) women who want to get it over with because they are not really interested in sex; 2) women who are trying to emulate depictions of sex in films and even novels; 3) women who don’t want to hurt the poor shlub by letting him know he’s hopeless as a lover; 4) women and men who don’t realize that good mutual sexual satisfaction is possible.
Yes, I realize that men are so fragile that the slightest criticism will make them go as soft as a leftover noodle and I feel sorry for them. But too bad. It’s past time for them to learn to hold on to their erections (and it can be learned) or if they aren’t capable of that much self control, to do as was advised in this article and go heavy on the foreplay. For myself, I find too much foreplay to be like too many appetizers—it spoils the main course. But some guys will never learn to do the real thing and therefore need to learn to do an ersatz version just so they won’t be the only ones in the room who get off.
Maggie, I appreciate your comment and the emotions behind it. You illustrate one of my points — that no two women are the same in what pleases them. For many, it’s needing more foreplay; for you, it’s staying power during intercourse. (Great analogy about “too many appetizers”!)
I’d like to respond to this: “women who don’t want to hurt the poor shlub by letting him know he’s hopeless as a lover”: I don’t think that any man is “hopeless as a lover” if he’s open to learning what the woman he’s with wants/needs/prefers and if she’s willing to communicate that in an honest, clear, enticing, accepting way.
— Joan
I have worked with so many women and couples where the woman is simply uninterested in sex. It continues to amaze me and I struggle to understand why this is.
The answer, most often boils down to, “He just gets hard, puts it in and when he is finished, he is done.” This translates, for me, that either the husband or male partner does not even understand the woman’s need, he is too callous of it as long as his desires get satisfied, or he is so poorly sexually educated that he doesn’t know how to approach a mutual relationship.
But the flip side is that many of these women do not realize that they are entitled to a positive sex experience.
In two recent instances, I’ve been helping women whose husbands have left them. When I asked about their sex practices the answer in both instances was, “Oh, I’m not interested in sex. In fact I’m just glad to be finished with it. That’s the one good thing about his leaving. Now, I don’t have to satisfy him any longer.”
That just saddens me.
Those examples sadden me, too. The good part is that they’re in therapy with you, David. With your skills and sex-positive attitude (and being in our age group, which helps a lot!), you may be able to help them open up to sexual pleasure when they’re ready to move forward to new relationships or when they realize that they’re capable of sizzling pleasure solo.
— Joan
Sign Up for Newsletters
There’s always a lot going on in the Senior Planet universe. Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing!
Sign Up Now
Join Senior Planet Community
Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform.
Join the Conversation Today
Upcoming Online Classes
Calendar of Events
S Sun
M Mon
T Tue
W Wed
T Thu
F Fri
S Sat
0 events,
12 events,
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Translation Tools
Intro to Translation Tools
This lecture will introduce digital translation tools and apps, such as Google Translate.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
29
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Internet of Things: Entertainment
Internet of Things: Entertainment
This lecture will explore the many ways we interact with IoT on a day-to-day basis and take a look at how it’s revolutionizing entire industries.
13 events,
30
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Krakow, Poland!
線上購物
線上購物
本講座將提供有關使用流行網站 Amazon.com 在線購買從洗碗精到日用雜貨等所有商品的一般介紹。
15 events,
31
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Money Matters
Money Matters
This lecture introduces online banking and goes over how to keep your financial information safe.
8 events,
1
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
P2P Payment Services
P2P Payment Services
In this lecture, you’ll learn about some of today’s most popular P2P payment services, including PayPal, Venmo, and CashApp.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
2
0 events,
3
0 events,
4
15 events,
5
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Affordable Home Internet
Affordable Home Internet
This lecture goes over basic information you need to know when signing up for home internet service.
13 events,
6
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Seville, Spain!
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
14 events,
7
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Translation Tools
Intro to Translation Tools
This lecture will introduce digital translation tools and apps, such as Google Translate.
8 events,
8
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
This presentation will cover the ins and outs of how to protect your personal information online.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
9
0 events,
10
12 events,
11
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Mobile Health Apps
Mobile Health Apps
This lecture introduces common health apps, like the iPhone's built-in app and the Google Fit app.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
12
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Smartphones at a Glance
Smartphones at a Glance
In this lecture you’ll learn about popular smartphones on the market and some of their pros and cons.
12 events,
13
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Shopping
Online Shopping
This lecture will provide a general introduction to shopping online using the popular website Amazon.com.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
14 events,
14
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
eBay & PayPal
eBay & PayPal
This lecture provides an overview of the popular auction website eBay and the pioneer online payment service PayPal.
8 events,
15
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
This presentation will introduce you to apps that help you learn different languages, explore the arts and art history, and even show you how to play instruments.
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Today's session has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience. Please join us next week.
0 events,
16
0 events,
17
12 events,
18
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Telemedicine
Telemedicine
This lecture provides an overview of telemedicine options and focuses on exploring virtual medical appointments with your doctor in real-time.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
19
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
All Things Zoom
All Things Zoom
This lecture will go over how to use Zoom to chat with friends & family, and take virtual classes with Senior Planet!
13 events,
20
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
In this introductory lecture, we'll go over what you need to start your first meeting, as well as some hosting tips to make it a success.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
15 events,
21
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
eBay & PayPal
eBay & PayPal
This lecture provides an overview of the popular auction website eBay and the pioneer online payment service PayPal.
10 events,
22
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Podcasts
Podcasts
In this lecture, you'll learn more about these audio programs available on the internet: why people listen to them, where you can find them, and what the most popular ones are.
Mobile Health Apps
Mobile Health Apps
*REGISTRATION REQUIRED*
This lecture introduces common health apps, like the iPhone's built-in app and the Google Fit app.
0 events,
23
0 events,
24
13 events,
25
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Health Resources
Online Health Resources
Learn how to evaluate health-related information online.
Fit Fusion Workout
Fit Fusion Workout
Get your heart pumping during this fun, high-energy workout!
16 events,
26
Stronger Bones
Stronger Bones
Activate the joints and muscles and increase mental focus during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
MyChart
MyChart
Learn how MyChart can help you keep all your health information in one place, communicate with your providers, and have a virtual visit.
12 events,
27
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
Join Senior Planet and our tour guides from Discover Live for a virtual visit to Tunis, Tunisia!
關於 Zoom 的一切
關於 Zoom 的一切
了解如何使用 Zoom 與家人朋友聊天以及參與 Senior Planet 線上學習!
15 events,
28
Balance/Strength
Balance/Strength
Activate the joints and muscles to become limber and increase balance during this exercise class.
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Concerned about privacy? Unsure about accepting cookies? Come learn about some essential privacy tips!
9 events,
29
Morning Stretch
Morning Stretch
Start your day with a short morning stretch!
Online Travel Sites
Online Travel Sites
Learn the basics of using online travel sites to find the best fares and rates for just about any destination.
Tai Chi
Tai Chi
Relax your mind and strengthen your body with this gentle exercise class
0 events,
30
Morning Stretch
Intro to Translation Tools
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Internet of Things: Entertainment
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Krakow, Poland
線上購物
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Money Matters
Morning Stretch
P2P Payment Services
Tai Chi
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Affordable Home Internet
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Seville, Spain
Fit Fusion Workout
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Intro to Translation Tools
Morning Stretch
Protecting Your Personal Info Online
Tai Chi
Morning Stretch
Mobile Health Apps
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
Smartphones at a Glance
Morning Stretch
Online Shopping
Fit Fusion Workout
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
eBay & PayPal
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Learning Apps – Languages & The Arts
Tai Chi – CANCELED
Morning Stretch
Telemedicine
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
All Things Zoom
Morning Stretch
Introduction to Hosting on Zoom
Fit Fusion Workout
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
eBay & PayPal
Morning Stretch
Podcasts
Mobile Health Apps
Morning Stretch
Online Health Resources
Fit Fusion Workout
Stronger Bones
Morning Stretch
MyChart
Morning Stretch
Discover Live: Tunis, Tunisia
關於 Zoom 的一切
Balance/Strength
Morning Stretch
Intro to Managing Your Privacy
Morning Stretch
Online Travel Sites
Tai Chi
Recent Articles
Recent Comments