“With self-reflection and increased wisdom comes the realization that we really should maximize the amount of good relationships we have and not spend so much time on the ones that aren’t good.” —Andrea Bonior, Ph.D
Few things in life have as big an impact on our happiness as good times spent with friends. And numerous studies show that close relationships with friends — but not necessarily with family — are vital to our physical health, too, with loneliness linked to reduced life expectancy and a host of health issues.
But what if the number of people you count as friends is shrinking, or you find yourself wanting to spend less time socializing — is that just a normal part of aging?
When a recent study showed that as monkeys grow older, the patterns of their friendships change, we decided to investigate.
Changing Patterns of Friendship
Our primate cousins, it turns out, grow pickier about which monkeys to count as “friends” as they age and invest less time in hanging out socially. The study’s researchers point out that humans also become choosier about how we spend our time and with whom.
We asked Geoffrey Greif, Ph.D., a professor at University of Maryland’s School of Social Work and the author of two books on friendship, to tell us more.
“People begin to value their time more as they age,” he said. “But people also have more time, so there are two conflicting vectors. If I don’t have much time, I’m certainly going to want to shepherd it well and spend it with my closest friends. But, if I’m retired and sitting around the house looking for things to do, or people to be with, I may be less selective.”
Complicating that further, it turns out, is that the differences between men’s and women’s relationships may affect how we view friendships as we grow older.
Grief’s book “Buddy System,” which is is based on his research with more than 300 men and 100 women, found that across their lifespans, men’s friendships tend to be “shoulder-to-shoulder encounters” — men might watch a game together and catch up during commercials — while women generally construct friendships around face-to-face encounters. Because women share more emotional content in person, these friendships require more maintenance. Demanding relationships that aren’t fulfilling can take a hit as we age.
If our tendency as aging humans is to weed out friendships that aren’t emotionally fulfilling because we know time is running out, what about the Barbary macaques that the monkey researchers studied? After all, they’re not counting down the years.
“Older monkeys might spend less time socializing because they find social interactions increasingly stressful and therefore avoid them,” the study lead, Julia Fischer, suggests. The same, she says, may be true for humans.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Andrea Bonior, a professor of psychology at Georgetown University who writes the Washington Posts’s Baggage Check column and is the author of “The Friendship Fix,” says that as we age, we don’t need to waste our time on friendships that cause us stress or make us feel badly.
“With self-reflection and increased wisdom comes the realization that we really should maximize the amount of good relationships we have and not spend so much time on the ones that aren’t good,” she says.
Most people have friends who are life-stage specific — friends made at college, through our children’s activities or at work. Once children are grown or we retire, some of these friendships endure, but many do not. And that’s okay, because it would be overwhelming to continue relationships with every friend we ever make. But while some friendships fade out naturally as we experience the life transitions of our later years — retirement, losing a spouse, developing health problems — we also tend to tell ourselves, ‘I deserve to have friendships that are fulfilling, that sustain me, and not waste my time,’ Bonior says.
The result: Fewer friends and, as a result, less time spent with friends.
It’s natural, but if we don’t make new friends, it can be a problem.
Friends With Health Benefits
We’re social creatures. We’ve lived in groups since the beginning of civilization — tribes, clans, villages, towns and cities. Friends meet our need for a support system beyond what our families provide. Even better, we get to choose our friends. They’re not defined by blood ties or neighborly proximity. Our friend circles are unique to us.
As C.S Lewis said: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”
True friendship offers a unique feeling of connection that protects us from stress. Studies have shown that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol. University of Chicago professor and neuroscientist John Cacioppo studies loneliness as a health risk. His findings show that loneliness is associated with the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, obesity and lower immunity.
The Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical problems as they aged. The results were so significant, the researchers concluded that not having close friends is as detrimental to our health as smoking or obesity.
Recently, researchers who followed nearly 1,500 older people for ten years found those with a large network of friends outlived those with fewer friends by more than 20 percent.
In that study, close relationships with family had almost no effect on longevity.
Making New Friends
We asked our experts to share their best tips for making new friends later in life. Both recommend getting involved in activities you enjoy and not only staying open to making new friends as you participate, but also being yourself.
Greif says we need to believe we can make new close friends at any age. “As our oldest friends either move far away or die, if you believe you can’t have close friends that you meet when you’re 50, 60, 70 or 80, you’re going to be more isolated.”
But it’s not so easy. Making new friends in later life can be intimidating. People think, “Oh I don’t have that many friends! Something’s wrong with me,” Bonior says. Her advice: Don’t over-personalize it. View making new friends as a concrete goal.
“It’s very funny,” Bonior says, “Because with romantic relationships we would never expect to partner for life with the first person we ever went out on a date with. But if a friendship doesn’t get off the ground, we automatically wonder what we did wrong. We think, maybe it wasn’t a good match. You have to put forth the effort continually, remembering it’s a numbers game.”
Facebook Friends
How about Facebook? Older adults are now the fastest growing demographic segment on the social network, and it can make finding and reconnecting with friends we’ve lost touch with and getting to know new ones much easier.
Bonior says Facebook is a double-edged sword. “I think for older people, especially if there are issues with mobility or health, then it’s a godsend to be able to still feel connected and engaged when maybe you’re not getting many in-person visitors.” But, for some people, Facebook is taking the place of real social engagements. “Is it a nice supplement, or have you stopped going to brunch or book club?” Observe how you feel about yourself after being online. “Some folks get trapped in a cycle of constantly looking at Facebook, looking at Facebook, looking at Facebook, and still are feeling empty afterward.”
A Friends Survey
I asked my Facebook friends whether they think friendships change over time. Here are some of their answers — and interestingly, only women replied:
“My first inclination is to say, “Definitely!” — but then I say, “Sort of.” Now that I’m retired, my best friends are those who are active, like I am, and like DOING things and creating new experiences.” —Susan
“I’ve been semi-retired for two years now. My existing friendships have just gotten better since then. With age comes wisdom, and we can usually just cut to the heart of any issue rather quickly without engaging in a lot of small talk. I also renewed an old friendship from college via Facebook and I’m so glad I made the effort. We had drifted apart due to our busy lives and a little distance geographically, but the heart of our friendship still remains.” —Cathy
“My friendships mean a lot more to me now than they ever did when I was younger. I have more time to develop a closer relationship with those friends.” —Sandie
“I don’t think you can ever have the same relationships with newer friends as you do with the friends you grew up with. So in that respect, I do think they are different. I have lived alone for most of my adult life and made friends mostly at work. Now that I am older, and still living alone, I don’t really feel a need to make new friends. I enjoy my alone time and I have friends to hang out with whenever I want to. I talk to my neighbors and people I meet at classes I take, but I don’t encourage any kind of real friendship.” —Bonnie
Have your friendships changed with age? What are your best tips for making new friends?
COMMENTS
20 responses to “Why Friendship Changes As We Age”
I don’t have any friends aside from family. Fine by me! Like those old safety posters at workplaces: “5,000 days without making a new friend!” And please, no replies nor comments of how bitter I am…I’m quite happy without the soap opera histrionics that I’ve experienced through so-called friendships. Thanks
Since so many seniors spend great quantities of time alone, what if solitude is meant to be in this season of life? In every article about friendships it’s stated that through history humans have been social animals. What if that was of necessity and not from desire? Currently more people are choosing to live alone because they can afford to live alone. Perhaps the idea that larger community interaction is necessary for health and happiness is not actually true? What if this period of life is a gift for us to just take care of ourselves?
This is an interesting article.
I too had many stage specific friends which were appropriate and satisfying during those periods of my life. I have a couple of old time friends, but none of us have the need to meet frequently. We respect and understand one another.
I am basically an introvert, married, work part-time, volunteer, and I have hobbies and interests that I enjoy. My work satisfies me and keeps me going. I am friendly with my neighbor. I cannot deal with stressful and demanding friendships.
An older friend of mine once told me, “I like to keep it simple.” I understood what she meant. During this stage of life, making new friends or maintaining old friendships depends what we expect out of friendship.
For now, I am grateful for what I have.
I retired in 2012 from an active 32 year career at Chicago Public Schools. I envisioned traveling and a life of gardening and playing tennis leisurely. My parents were both still alive and became ill at the same time, needing full time assistance. My brother and I provided full time care for them. After they died, I found myself totally free for the first time in my life. A lot of my friends, relatives and tennis partner were all dying off. I had one close friend who had left Chicago years before and returned to Ohio. We had maintained contact over the years, but during the time I cared for my mother, the contact ceased. I reached out to him several weeks ago via email, and with no response, I wrote him a very short letter saying I would like to just see how he was doing and say “Hi”. I waited for weeks, the letter was not returned, but I never got a response from him. I’m confused about what to do. Should I just move on? Should I send another letter, telling him I was concerned about his safety and tell him I won’t bother him anymore and respect his privacy? My concern is he could have died, or be in a nursing home, or need help. My first instinct was to feel rejected. Now, I just feel confused and powerless. Any ideas?
Move on. Leave it. You tried.
Absolutely. As I get older, I have really found peace with being in my own skin and not needing approval from friends. I have a friend who lives thousands of miles away. We used to chat a couple of times a month on Skype. But recently it has reduced to a couple of months apart. But I have to initiate the chats. I emailed him for a catch up a few times over the past number of months and he was very slow to reply. So, reading between the lines, it looks like we have just nothing of value to chat about. Do not take it personally.
Ask yourself a question….if your friend lived nearby , how often would you genuinely want to meet up for a coffee and a chat?
My own answer to that question, is about once every three months.
I haven’t had a really close female friend in several years now. I miss it. But women are so much into competition that it’s hard to find a kindred spirit. I am married and very good friends with my spouse however he works a lot of hours while I am home. I do take an exercise class but I am younger than most of the others. I am close to my children and their families. I think the hardest part for me is most people my age still work
I retired early at 59 and had to find things to do to keep me busy. I volunteer a lot…which I love. I have a half dozen close friends and half still work. I try to get together with one of these friends once a week.
I would love to have even more women to socialize with as I live alone..by choice.
And having no grandchildren or the prospect of having any can put me in a different category. Women with grandchildren spend a lot more time with their family than I do. My grown children work full time and don’t need me around to babysit or help with kids.
I’ve also joined a women’s group which starts meetings this month. So I am hoping to get to know more women my own age. Sometimes it is difficult.
I’ve been struggling with the friendship issue for a long time now. I’ve had one real great “best” friend in the last 10 years and she walked away from the friendship 3 years ago. Since then I haven’t made any truly close friends. I have ones I hike with occasionally or go to eat but for the most part I am solo for almost everything I do. I do enjoy my own company so I do ok with that but really miss having someone around more often that knows me deeper than others. I am 61 and single and have been single for going on 17 years. 2 or 3 women that I thought were becoming closer friends have backed off due to their own life stuff and either want less talk and more contemplation or they don’t know how to share themselves and what goes on so they just don’t interact at all.
I am 60 yrs old and retired! I am always one to call and keep up my part of the friendships I have! We don’t have children or grandchildren so we have less to keep us busy than most of our friend circle. It is tough but I am very comfortable with my own company!
I do wish some of my friends and acquaintances would call once in a while but that is out of my control! I have found a way to move on and create new opportunities for myself. I will be traveling solo on a very safe and wonderful Tour group to Amsterdam and Iceland! The people are supposed to be quite friendly and many women go solo as well! Great opportunity to meet people and make lifelong friends!
Unfortunately my hubby is still working so he cannot join me now! Looking forward to my 60’s and my new traveling experiences!
My truly best friends, which are few, I am 68, are the ones that when we talk it seems easy to just begin where we are, with a lot of people catching up is just stressful. That’s why I have few friends. I’ve never minded my own company.It wouldI probably be nice to have more social interaction but after any social affair while I enjoy it at the time leaves me feeling drained.
I am an 83 y.o. single woman, was married for 22 years and have been happily unmarried for 40 years. I find that surrounding myself with younger people, keeps me youthful, active and au courant. I have a few friends my age, whom I’ve known since my younger days, and they remain my closest and most devoted friends….my chosen family. I also find that having a youthful, upbeat attitude attracts people – young and old – wherever I go, and I never have to be alone… unless I choose to be. At this stage of my life, I want to be around people who bring me joy. I have no time for those who bring me down by complaining about how miserable their lives are. I would rather be alone, with my computer, my music, my reading, my cooking, and my dreams. Age makes no difference, unless you are a cheese.
I just tell them I still love them
and then there are friends who want to change who you are and see the world as they do through their beliefs in religion, politics and so on.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments about this topic. I think there are as many different types of friendships as there are people, and you are each an example of that.
Mariana, thanks also for the idea about a possible follow-up article. In the meantime, please review the section on Making New Friends above and see if you can take further steps to find some new friends. Please don’t give up on the quest — it’s a vital goal to work towards.
Good article that hit the mark with me. I’m 65 and housebound on oxygen in my own home, so I can’t get out like I used to do. But I am more picky with some friends than I used to be, even with long time friends. I now refuse to just sit there and listen to their problems all day; I refuse to be a therapist for my friends even if I don’t get enough face to face human contact to be fully satisfied.
But there is no point in complaining, I just get busy. I am a generally happy individual with no time to get depressed. I do have friends in many countries due to my past volunteer work and now, despite the fact it’s primarily chatting with friends online, it sure beats vegging in front of the TV all day. I bless the Internet every day because it allows me to keep in touch with good people and keep busy as well with causes I feel are important.
I was drawn to the title because i find it harder to make friends at my age (59)…I wish there had been more discussion of why it’s harder and how others are doing it. Important topic!
Hello & Goodnight Senior Planet,
Friendship is a good thing. I miss talking with sista/brotha friends from my younger years. Some
have moved out of state & others have passed away. It’s never easy when your close , but I’ve learned
to put on my big girl panties feel happy to meet/greet new friends that come into my life. Life Is Good!
Mighty interesting article indeed! And all the tenets described are so very true because with age friends relocate or die! Making new friends is not as easy as when we were school age. Also as aging persons, we tend to avoid attending events of our liking due to perhaps the seasons – too cold in winter too exhausting in summer, and so on it goes. Result: some loneliness at least at times.
Many people, I included, prefer to live alone, even at the risk of some “part time” loneliness. Also too, many of us still work either for wages or volunteering which gives our efforts to make new friends insufficient time.
This article however should give us all a motive to rethink our efforts to make new and/or better friends at any age and situation and we should all thank you for that. :o)
An excellentarticle, it is what I consider my turn now. I do not have parents, a young family or the need to support a large household. I just have me. It is delicious . There are many things on my bucket list and I am trying to fit them all in. Life becomes full and joyous and the wonderful thing is you meet new friends, kindred spirits who feel the same. It is sad when an old friends drops out of your inner circle but your common interest may have dissolved.
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