Sex & Relationships

How an Older Woman Can Reach Orgasm Faster

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Want to learn more about senior sex and relationships? Every month Senior Planet’s award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Subscribe now (do it here) and don’t miss a single column! Senior Planet offers other feature articles on technology tips, plus free online classes (learn more here) on everything from how to Zoom to on-line banking  and more.  Subscribers receive The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club, sex and relationships and more! 

Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

A reader writes:

My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can’t “bring it home” in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!

For a while, we thought our sex life was going to be ruined by my husband’s ED, and we went through a long dry spell. None of the pills ever worked for him. That’s when I learned to masturbate. (I never did before because I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and he was my only partner.) Then I used the Internet to learn everything I could about ED and was amazed to find out that a man can orgasm without an erection. As far as I’m concerned, that alone made the Internet worth its weight in gold.

We started experimenting and rediscovered our former sex life, with some adjustments. We are very joyful with each other. We use our hands, mouths, kissing, touching. It’s like your basic teenagers in a car without birth control! It just takes me so long….

My husband is wonderful and he always says he doesn’t mind how long it takes me, but I mind. I feel terrible for what I put him through! He wants to get me there and will keep trying for as long as I want to.

We recently discovered a new approach: we enjoy each other sexually without orgasm being the goal. That takes the pressure off. We do everything we enjoy, and if someone has an orgasm that’s fine, but sometimes neither of us does. It still brings us very close to each other and makes us happy.

But when I do want an orgasm, is there anything I can do to speed things up? I tried using a vibrator, but I just didn’t like it, even when my husband tried to use it with me. —Taking Too Long

Joan Responds:

Good for the two of you for having great sex despite your husband’s erectile dysfunction. So many men and their partners have the mistaken idea that if the penis can’t get hard, sex is over. Far from it! If we stop believing that only a firm penis can give pleasure we open to a whole world of sexy delights. We can be sexually stimulated and brought to orgasm by hands, mouths, genitals rubbing, a vibrator, or a combination of any or all of these. And as you’ve discovered, he doesn’t need an erection to orgasm. A soft penis and its owner are capable of experiencing great pleasure with sensation provided by a partner and/or self-stimulation.

As for your question — ah, how many people in our age group would love to receive sexual pleasure for a whole hour from their partner! Of course, I understand why you feel anxious and can’t believe that your husband is happy focusing on your pleasure for that long. You’re anxious that he’s getting tired or losing interest — and your anxiety slows you down more. It’s a form of performance anxiety.

I went through this myself with my husband Robert at the beginning of our relationship. We met when I was 57 and he was 64, and our sexual connection was exhilarating, exuberant, and downright incredible. (This led me to start writing about senior sex, in fact.) However, I took so darned long to reach orgasm and was sure that he was getting bored, which made me take even longer! I finally voiced my concerns to him. He replied with a loving smile, “I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions or get something to eat!”

I advise you to do with your husband what I did with Robert — believe him when he says he doesn’t mind at all. I’ll bet that if you relax and stop worrying about taking so long, you’ll reach orgasm faster. And if you don’t, just enjoy the journey.

If you’d still like some tips for speeding things along, try these:

  1. Exercise before sex. Exercise increases blood flow to your muscles, brain and – yes! – your genitals. Increased blood flow helps make arousal and orgasm faster.
  1. Start on your own ahead of time. Take time before sex to get yourself aroused through fantasy or your own touch.
  1. Use a vibrator. I know you said you tried one and didn’t like it, but I encourage you to try others. Read my Senior’s Guide to Vibrators (https://seniorplanet.org/the-seniors-guide-to-vibrators/) and my vibrator reviews at www.nakedatourage.com. You may find that the orgasm that took you an hour yesterday will take only 10 minutes with a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator.

I love your newfound sexual enjoyment of each other without goals. You’ve discovered a real key to lifelong sexual delight and intimacy. If more of us embraced that relaxed approach to sex, we’d find more pleasure, not less. Thank you for sharing how you keep sex strong. —Joan

 

Joan Price is the author of the new Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”;  the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.

COMMENTS

69 responses to “How an Older Woman Can Reach Orgasm Faster

  1. My husband does get fed up with the length of time it takes me to orgasm. Not all men are willing to go the distance. I just take matters into my own hands. He has no patience.

  2. I am a 60 yr old female my husband 61 yr old we have the best sex lives for years, me ive always had multiple orgasms & him long hours of good sex,he was my dream partner my lover,my 1 of akind,i wouldnt trade him for nothing in this world,he is my soulmate,no matter where we make love or have sex it’s always great an something added in to add more spice,we never let our flames go out.

    1. I’m 55, my wife 57, we flipped roles, she has orgasms faster than ever, ( 2 of them 3RD one takes some time) and I take a long time, but have some smaller ones before i finally finish.
      Sex for me know feels better than ever, I masterbate more now than i did as a kid, Don’t even hide it anymore. She will walk in on me, make a little joke like “I like the view” or takes over.

    2. I am very happy to read your story. I am 62 and my husband is 63. Our great sex life came to a screeching halt after menopause left me extremely dry and unable to have sex. He was going crazy. I finally found a wonderful gynecologist who put me on low dose hormone therapy. It literally saved my marriage and my life. Sex is as good as when we were in our 20’s , and l’m able to reach orgasm much faster. The hormones cleared up about five other health issues that I had too. To me, the small risk is so worth the quality of life I have now.

  3. Hey guys thought you might like to hear from the other side of the fence. I’m a 39 year old male who, a few years ago, got over a long relationship with a gal who was very indifferent with sex or even really trying any ideas to try to improve that facet. I tried so many things over time, but alas I failed. About a year ago I started spending time with a 65 year old gal, whom I always found physically attractive, and things got hot one night and good lordy! The flood gates have opened! We see each other a few times a week now and have great sex. She hadn’t had a sex life in 20 years and now shes having 3-4 orgasms per outing. Her oral pleasure skills are incredible and I express how good she looks in lingerie. While we may not ride off into the sunset together necessarily I think it’s taught us both about different age groups, boosted both our self confidence, offered a sort of sexual therapy, and burns off a few calories in the process. In closing, I will say the more vigerous we get, she takes awhile to recover because of soreness…may be the only big age “issue” I’ve noticed!!! Great experience here, hats off to you guys who open your minds and don’t give up, I sure hope I’m the same way when my 60s and 70s approach. Don’t know if this is useful info but it’s another “position” anyway!

  4. hello I am 62 my partner is53 we have the best time making love but I had a bad experience befor this one so if things don’t seem right get out and find someone you can be happy with.just because we are older we can still find love we can all be happy give it a go. thanks for this site

  5. I am 61, single, nice looking, healthy and cannot orgasm at all anymore except occasionally with a vibrator. I have a very good libido and sex feels great. I have had 2 men break off prior relationships because they said that “they cannot please me” (one of those also had ED) I am in a relationship now that is a few months old. I have never once faked it and I won’t do that but I already see my boyfriend getting frustrated, he has ED but of course there are treatments for men, all kinds but nothing for women. He is doing everything he can and so am I. He loves giving me oral and is good at it. I think I see the handwriting on the wall or maybe I’m just scarred from the past. He said that we will get through it. When men are frustrated because you cannot orgasm then it really makes it more difficult and it’s a vicious circle. Then you are always thinking about it and trying to hurry. When I say frustrated I mean that he tries everything and it feels wonderful but he is disappointed when I don’t finish. It seems like women have to accept the disappointment, secretly hide their frustration to make men feel better which causes resentment. If I faked it life would be super simple…for him anyway. Before him I had given up on relationships because of this and the breakups. I really love him and he is patient however it would probably be easier for him if he found a woman who is not dysfunctional, I hope he doesn’t but I am a realist. I have researched this so much and got even more frustrated because there is nothing to help women.

    1. Sarah, it’s not a cheap toy, but you and your man should try to invest in a Sybian. This may change the game completely and he will love helping you with it.
      Please take the time to let me know if this works for you. It’s definitely worth a try and they offer a money back guarantee but you won’t need ever get rid of it.

  6. Nothing crushes the soul of a man than hearing his wife or partner frown with hateful eyes and say, “I don’t want to have sex of any kind with you.”

    Google: The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

    Google: Save Your Marriage What Sex Means to Your Husband

    I endured a sexless marriage for 1 year all because my wife found someone better on the side.

    No man should be married and feel he is dying of loneliness.

    I had a choice of cheating like she was or divorce.

    I chose divorce.

  7. I am a 72 year old widower. I cared for my late wife of 47 years during a long series of her ilnesses. We both lost interest in sex. Year after she died I decided to get fit . I met a divorcee who persuaded me to join a commercial weight loss programme. As I lost weight our sex life improved to the point that whilst we maintaind our own homes we often stayed at each others houses and went on trips together. We only spent 10 days apart most months. As time went by we had sex usually twice per day when we were together. She particularly enjoyed oral sex and had multiple orgasms. That relationship ended in the New Year because of “baggage” from her divorce and other difficulties. I have continued my fitness regime during lockdown. My libido has improved even more and I no longer use pills to counter occasional ED. My self esteem and confidence is soaring as I have now lost 50lbs. I look younger according to others who know me. Lockdown has prevented meeting a new lady in person. There have been lots of online flirtations. I have now met a widow online and honestly and openly exchanged very romantic messages and we have left each other in no doubt that we desire each other very physically. We meet for the first time next week.
    Men rarely attend my weight loss group and never during the zoom substitutes in recent months. Ladies you should encourage your mentolk to get fit. It might solve some problems for you. I hate sport, either watching or participating, but I enjoy a brisk walk and leisure swimming. Plus following a careful diet. A Fitbit is a useful motivator. There are other activity trackers.

  8. Strongly recommend Pompoir. Pompoir is a series of exercises designed to directly target the pubococcygeus muscles, or PC muscles, that are located inside of the vagina. This exercise regimen tightens and strengthens the vaginal muscles, helping you build a powerful sex skill that redefines intimacy and builds self-confidence.

  9. My wife of 72 (I am 73) gets mad ever time I mentioned the word sex. I want my wife back!
    She also says she doesn’t have any desire for sex from me or anyone else. How can I revamp her sex drive for me or anybody else (if necessary). I bought a small vibrator; but she just yells at me to get it out of here. She doesn’t want to pleasure me any kind of way.

    1. Henry, I don’t know your wife or your circumstances, but I was the same way at a much earlier age (I’m not that way now). For a lot of women, they lose interest in sex when they don’t feel attractive anymore. Another reason is because of resentment or feeling they’re taken for granted. In my experience, the only time my then husband ever touched me was when he wanted sex. Our only conversations consisted of him complaining about something I did or didn’t do. Once he started giving me more kindness and affection without the expectation of sex, the more I was interested.

    2. If you have a kindle or buy the 50 Shades trilogy books, including two more “… as told by Christian”. Suggest you read books together. Movies are a great intro before books. Good luck.

    1. If she is uncomfortable then I say no. TALK to her about it and find out if there are any reason for her uncomfortableness.
      As women we are told to not be easy or we are labeled well you know, sluts.
      Find another way!!!!

    2. Everyone is different, The sexiest stimulant (speaking for myself) is Kindness, conversation, appreciation, rubbing my feet, rubbing my shoulders…. my late husband & I communicated & were affectionate with each other throughout the day, even when it was figuring which vegetables to add to the soup. However if we didn’t see each other for a day or two, and When my late husband would want to just jump straight to the act, we have this joke about “don’t try to start the car in the garage! First, go out to the garage open the garage door start the car and take the car out of the garage:)” it’s been five years since he has passed and I am finally dating again… Touch being an important communication for me , Covid definitely has made it interesting. Thank you for letting me share with you all

  10. Having sexual pleasures with your new or partner starts between your ears and theirs no age limit on how old( young you feel . Ive done 5 yrs study on friendships and sex. Older women can have. That spark of want .ive seen mature women with younger men and it works well and vs.versa. i myself enjoy a lady 60+ whos active not setting in a chair. The pheromones between 60+ women and men 40+ makes both people more healthy and sexually more active throughout lifes kindness and love ..

  11. My husband’s interest in making love died within a few years of our marriage. We are going on 40 years and he has had no interest at all for the last 15 years. He’s not willing to talk about it or try anything. I’m 63, he is 73. A few months ago I met up with a boyfriend from college who is 68. We had great sex back then. His wife moved him out of their bedroom 10 years ago. We spent 3 days together making love, and it was amazing to be loved physically at my age after so many years. I felt attractive and comfortable with him and he with me. He gets hard but doesn’t stay hard for long and still comes. He is a wizard with his mouth and hands. We plan to meet again several times a year.

    1. How do you feel about “sex outside” your marriage? I’m not “married”, but I (female) have been madly in love with the same woman for nearly 3 decades. I still sometimes get butterflies. We both just retired very young, so I’m not sure about meeting up with an old flame. My partner and I might discover each other. We deserve each other all over, don’t we?

    2. I think your husband still needs a explanation why you having sex with another man. Give him a ultimatum where you explain how much you still need sex. Then you won’t have to sneak around. Maybe he will understand your needs.

    3. I too, am 73. My partner is also 63. When I was about 60, noticeable physical/ sexual chances in my body occurred where I lost the ability to ..think.. an erection into being. Ever since I was a teenager, all I had to do to bring on an erection, was think about it – but after I aged into my early-60s, that `talent’ was lost. Oh I still have the other functions, & once interests & stimulations are ignited, I can still perform reasonably well. Am still Very Interested in the female form & still very much enjoy playing w/ the female body.
      However in the last yr or 2, my ….execution….. has slowed. As in the article where the wife is now taking an inordinate amount of time, it is taking me more & more effort to achieve full release. A lot more effort. I wouldn’t say I am alarmed as much as I would term it – frustrated. There is actually startling reward for a man in dry-performance, but a man wants to feel the coursing of fluid. My partner REALLY tries to cooperate, but also is not a young-one & either suffers loss-of-lubrication at some point, or exhaustion before I have `conceded=not tonight’. I have learned to accept a lesser achievement of my role, & show graciousness & immense gratitude to her for allowing me the wonderful privilege of being intimate w/ her. She still has her own wondrous powers of enjoyment & Will for our time together, & bless-her-heart – she expresses no criticism of my staging.

  12. I’m a 65 year old woman, and for the first time in my life I’m having regular multiple orgasms. I have no idea why this is so, except my gyno said my pelvic floor is starting to descend, so maybe the internal part of my clitoris is closer to my vibrator. It’s nice but I dont know what is causing it.
    I didn’t like my vibrator at first, but if I were the lady who didn’t like HER vibrator, I wouldn’t give up.

    1. My wife is 60 years old and I am 43… When she turned 58 or so she started being multi orgasmic.. She has 3 to 6 orgasms within a few strokes.. She retired a few months ago so i am chalking it up to no more stress with the working… either way it is a beautiful thing to see her let go…

    2. I have also found them change with age. Rather than one massive orgasm, I’ll have 10-20 smaller ones which frankly is just fine with me. Since the fellow takes longer, it works out! My Gyno says everything is in place like a 20 year old and I’m in my 60s. ( I do plenty of Pilates and Kegel ex) So it may not only be the shift in your pelvic floor.

  13. I am 76 and met a lady of 73 and we are having the best time of our life. Im on no pills and had prostate taken out but by just taking my time on this lady from toes to head I reach my climax and she reaches her orgasm every time we feel like getting wild. Slow does it and rubbing in all the sensitive places and working yourself to the final destination seams to work for us. Its actually better now then when I was young. We both had lost our spouses before we met. Its a wonderful life with the right partner.

  14. I am 71 years old and if I have intercourse regularly on a weekly basis, everything is ok, however; if I miss one week, I inevitably get thrush or a UTI, so why does weekly sex help.
    As my partner had to take kids on a school camp, we missed one week and I came down with the worst UTI I’ve ever experienced, so bad that I ended. up in hospital.
    My son had sent me texts and rang and when he couldn’t get a response, he rushed to my place and found me unconscious. He was unable to arouse me and said one side of my mouth was drooping, so he thought I’d had a stroke and called for an ambulance. We both thought I was dying and it has really traumatized me.
    Annie

    1. annie , i’m sorry you are having problems. perhaps if you keep a journal you will find that during those weeks when you are not having sec you are doing other things that you can correlate to increased infections? (increased intake of sugars or alcohol? increased exercise and wearing snug gym clothing? water drinking? taking baths instead of showers? if you are using sex toys, are you sanitizing them every time?) also, with a journal you may discover that it is not the occasional absence of sex but the dietary and hygienic practices after sex that protect you. be well!

    2. I have had that problem in the past as well. Now, I make sure to pee immediately after sex. I also take a cotton ball w hydrogen peroxide and dab it on my urethra. It seems to work . Oh. If you’re using lube, it may be that. I swear I get a uti every time I use lube. What works great is Albone (an obgyn told me to try it). Good luck! Pee and dab lol

  15. Lets be realistic:
    UK research some years ago concluded that some 14% of women (all ages) either frequently failed to orgasm, or never reached orgasm.
    I can’t recall the details but it sure indicates the problem is widespread.
    As for helping people with the advice that “it’s the journey that counts” & it matters not how long it takes; well that is just silly, & similar advice from a doctor would be unacceptable.
    Age does take it’s toll on men & women, some earlier than others but generally it’s fair to say women will lose interest earlier than men.
    In a healthy relationship when this crops up both participants can help greatly by not focusing on reassurances & experimentation. Just get on with life!

    1. I’ve been married for 30 years and 13 years of no sex life with husband now 61 he has ED and diagnosed With colitis. Just wondering if what is going on. I tried asking him what’s went wrong but he change topic all times. He probably not interest him anymore. I still want to have those intimacy but I feel like he’s avoiding it. He used to be a good sensual partner but now not at all. BEBE

    2. But a doctor might well say that ‘…it’s the journey that counts…’ or ‘…it doesn’t matter how long it takes…’ because that would be true. You can pump her full of hormones to see if that makes a difference, but once you start putting pressure on her to orgasm you might as well just forget it!

    3. Everyone is different and a combination of relationships make the possibilities extensive. My first husband when we were Young in our 20s and 30s we hardly had sex. My second husband in our 50s and 60s five times a day and it was great every time.Sure there may be statistics and I’m all for
      breaking them :-) And creating the life and including the love life I want;

  16. I am 79 and no sex. I found a lady that has been widowed for 21 years, and I for 11 months. She was dating another guy until he dropped her after a relationship for a while. Now I visited her and she will not date but will have a cup of coffee at her house periodically. She has been okay with that but after I took flowers to her she didn’t return my phone calls for about three weeks now. What am I suppose to do now, and hoe long will it take to wait? I have not made any sexual attempts yet.

    1. Jim

      Look further afield. There must be other ladies who may be interested. There is no rule tht says you can only look in one direction at a time. Go window shopping, and see who yo find.

  17. I’m 49 and my husband is 67 years ago we use to bring the house down with sex,now it’s been almost a year or more since we had sex and now I’m having a affair with a 58 year old man that makes me feel so good in bed.my husband drinks alot and when we were having sex my husband would belch liquor constantly I don’t drink I tried to talk to him about it and it just goes out one ear so now I’m having affair but want my husband make me feel good not this man.

      1. Or is it a medical problem or a psychological or depression issue… It’s one thing if you’ve never ever had interest but to lose interest in sex you got a look at other factors. Just my opinion

  18. How can I achieve orgasm again?
    I am a healthy 70 yr old female and take no meds.
    Is there anything a physician can prescribe or anything I can do?
    My boyfriend is 62 and I don’t want him to know it is difficult to orgasm for fear of losing him.
    I’ve only been like this for a couple of months.

    Thank you.

  19. My husband is not interested in me and hasn’t been for over two years. I have had no sex for three years and when I have tried masterbation I have no sensation. Should I keep trying or just give up I’m 71 but I’ve only tried a couple of times.

    1. Hi I I have the same problem with my wife not having interest anymore I had to try many things myself in order to stay sound and mind, you can reply back if you like maybe discuss it more,
      Thank you

      1. She may need a little testosterone. It is the driving force for libido men as well as women! She can visit her Dr for Bioidentical T cream or pellets inserted under the skin every 3-4months. The pellets have revived my libido after many years. They have been used since the 1930’s and are the size of a grain of rice but can make such a difference in you well being as well. At 59 my husband can’t keep up with me. We may have to get him some too!
        .

      2. I’m 57. My husband is 54. I find myself wanting hot, wet sex a lot. He doesn’t seem to want it. I am so sexually frustrated. I thought I was the only one. I have tried talking to him, but he just doesn’t want to hear it. I am starting to want to look outside my marriage for sexual pleasure.

    2. Don’t you dare give up ! You’re a real catch,there’s a nice man out there waiting to take on the challenge and both of you will enjoy every moment of getting you to that ” oh God” point.

  20. You people are considered lucky for being sexually active at your age but it is depressing in my case,my wife seem to have entirely lost interest with sex for the past few years. I am 67 and she 63.

    1. Campe. That is not unusual. In my case its never a given that my wife will be interested. From everything I have read in this case you don’t want to stop. Masturbate if you must. But do not stop having sex

  21. Luckily, medical opinion is that every woman should be able to have orgasms – if she really wants.
    Furthermore, results from research carried out in the UK in 2014 suggest that the majority of ladies are capable of multiple climasex – if they want to have them, and if they have an understanding, supportive and proficient accomplice. A real man always thinks to satisfy the pleasure of his woman. It can help you (with this difficult job) to use particular object like vibrator and dildo.

    1. That’s the truth. It may not feel natural at first, but a patient couple can practice til they are comfortable and find their rhythm . There is a great book called “She Comes First.” Oral sex is a learnable skill.

  22. Excellent answer to Taking Too Long. A trip through great, beautiful countryside via train on the way to a marvelous destination is preferable to an “airbus” that flies directly to an airport at the destination. It so only if you put your goal orientation aside and pay attention to all the marvelous ways you can pleasure each other as you move toward the orgasm. In fact, making the orgasm your goal often derails the trip. It takes the focus away from experiencing the feelings both physical and emotional.

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