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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
A reader writes:
My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can’t “bring it home” in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!
For a while, we thought our sex life was going to be ruined by my husband’s ED, and we went through a long dry spell. None of the pills ever worked for him. That’s when I learned to masturbate. (I never did before because I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and he was my only partner.) Then I used the Internet to learn everything I could about ED and was amazed to find out that a man can orgasm without an erection. As far as I’m concerned, that alone made the Internet worth its weight in gold.
We started experimenting and rediscovered our former sex life, with some adjustments. We are very joyful with each other. We use our hands, mouths, kissing, touching. It’s like your basic teenagers in a car without birth control! It just takes me so long….
My husband is wonderful and he always says he doesn’t mind how long it takes me, but I mind. I feel terrible for what I put him through! He wants to get me there and will keep trying for as long as I want to.
We recently discovered a new approach: we enjoy each other sexually without orgasm being the goal. That takes the pressure off. We do everything we enjoy, and if someone has an orgasm that’s fine, but sometimes neither of us does. It still brings us very close to each other and makes us happy.
But when I do want an orgasm, is there anything I can do to speed things up? I tried using a vibrator, but I just didn’t like it, even when my husband tried to use it with me. —Taking Too Long
Good for the two of you for having great sex despite your husband’s erectile dysfunction. So many men and their partners have the mistaken idea that if the penis can’t get hard, sex is over. Far from it! If we stop believing that only a firm penis can give pleasure we open to a whole world of sexy delights. We can be sexually stimulated and brought to orgasm by hands, mouths, genitals rubbing, a vibrator, or a combination of any or all of these. And as you’ve discovered, he doesn’t need an erection to orgasm. A soft penis and its owner are capable of experiencing great pleasure with sensation provided by a partner and/or self-stimulation.
As for your question — ah, how many people in our age group would love to receive sexual pleasure for a whole hour from their partner! Of course, I understand why you feel anxious and can’t believe that your husband is happy focusing on your pleasure for that long. You’re anxious that he’s getting tired or losing interest — and your anxiety slows you down more. It’s a form of performance anxiety.
I went through this myself with my husband Robert at the beginning of our relationship. We met when I was 57 and he was 64, and our sexual connection was exhilarating, exuberant, and downright incredible. (This led me to start writing about senior sex, in fact.) However, I took so darned long to reach orgasm and was sure that he was getting bored, which made me take even longer! I finally voiced my concerns to him. He replied with a loving smile, “I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions or get something to eat!”
I advise you to do with your husband what I did with Robert — believe him when he says he doesn’t mind at all. I’ll bet that if you relax and stop worrying about taking so long, you’ll reach orgasm faster. And if you don’t, just enjoy the journey.
If you’d still like some tips for speeding things along, try these:
- Exercise before sex. Exercise increases blood flow to your muscles, brain and – yes! – your genitals. Increased blood flow helps make arousal and orgasm faster.
- Start on your own ahead of time. Take time before sex to get yourself aroused through fantasy or your own touch.
- Use a vibrator. I know you said you tried one and didn’t like it, but I encourage you to try others. Read my Senior’s Guide to Vibrators (https://seniorplanet.org/the-seniors-guide-to-vibrators/) and my vibrator reviews at www.nakedatourage.com. You may find that the orgasm that took you an hour yesterday will take only 10 minutes with a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator.
I love your newfound sexual enjoyment of each other without goals. You’ve discovered a real key to lifelong sexual delight and intimacy. If more of us embraced that relaxed approach to sex, we’d find more pleasure, not less. Thank you for sharing how you keep sex strong. —Joan
- Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
- Send Joan your questions by emailing email@example.com. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.