older man and woman kissing

Desperately Seeking Orgasm: Help for an Older Man

joan-price-150Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

I am 73 and use Viagra to prepare for lovemaking, but even so, over the last few months I’ve had problems achieving orgasm during intercourse. I have never been a quick trigger. Now, after 20 minutes I give up in exasperation because I worry that my wife is becoming impatient. She says that she is not impatient, just frustrated that she can’t do more to help me. She says she realizes that with age, I need more time to reach orgasm and knows the problem is not changes in her.

My wife does reach orgasm during intercourse, and it happens more easily if I perform oral sex on her prior to penetration. She’ s thrilled that I’ve been willing to take this step of using Viagra so that we can continue to enjoy lovemaking this way. With Viagra, even without doing much to stimulate me I have no problem getting an erection.

I believe my problem coming to orgasm lies in a loss of sensitivity. I have gone to a urologist, and he assured me that there is no physical problem with testosterone or any other medical issue.

Lately we have tried using a vibrator on my erection. It feels good, but it doesn’t affect me much and since I already have an erection, it seems that it’s time for intercourse. Last time, we also used a masturbation sleeve before intercourse, and ultimately that is how, after 20 minutes of intercourse, I achieved orgasm.

Thinking about making love with my wife has always aroused me emotionally and physically. Even with the problems we’ve been having recently, I look forward with great anticipation to our lovemaking. We’ve been married for 20 years and have a wonderful marriage. We never retire for the night without expressing our love. We always kiss when either of us is leaving and again on our return. We always start the day with a big hug. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. —Viagra Orgasm Seeker

It warms my heart to read about how much you and your wife treasure each other and express your love throughout the day. You’re having regular sex that is very satisfying to your wife, but you have difficulty reaching orgasm with Viagra. I think that the answer to your problem begins with a better understanding of what Viagra does and does not do. It does increase blood flow to the penis to trigger an erection. That’s all. It does not increase desire, sensation, the feeling of arousal or orgasm.

I shared your concerns with pharmacist Paul Roberts R.Ph., M.S, who said, “Viagra (or the generic version sildenafil) has done its job when you have an erection. Orgasm, however, is a complex process. You’ll want to look at other approaches to deal with that.”

Let’s look at these approaches one by one:

  1. Recognize Real Readiness
  2. Use erotic stimulation
  3. Try better sex toys
  4. Relax, experiment, enjoy!

First, understand that just because your erection is ready doesn’t mean that you are ready. You still need erotic stimulation – physical and mental – and at our age, that may take more than it once did.

Stimulation by a partner is important for increasing arousal, pleasure and intimacy. Just as receiving oral sex gets your wife ready to orgasm during intercourse, you may need more touching – both whole body and genital – and/or oral sex or masturbation to get stimulated enough to reach orgasm easily.

You found that using a masturbation sleeve before intercourse helps (see this review of the Tenga sleeves on my blog). An especially stimulating vibrator for penises such as the Pulse can also stimulate you and help you reach orgasm. You can use these sex toys either before intercourse to get you really ready (again, don’t judge readiness by the presence of an erection), or during a break from intercourse so that you don’t have to go so long, or at the end of your lovemaking.

Realize that worrying that you’re taking too long will actually slow down your responsiveness, because anxiety gets in the way of sexual arousal both physically and emotionally. So take the focus off of having to reach orgasm and enjoy the many other sensual paths to enjoyment.

There are no rules. Experiment to discover what stimulates you, what you and your wife enjoy, and the kind of sensation that brings you to orgasm. Enjoy the journey of discovery! —Joan

Joan Price is the author of the new Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”;  the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.

8 comments
  • Andy
    REPLY

    It sure would be nice to frisky like some of these folks but in my life it never happened. Married 50 years and I can’t find anything exciting about it. I never had sex before marriage nor really the first 3 years of marriage because those years were spent in military Vietnam and didn’t have sex there spent most nights in a hole underground with all kinds of nasty critters. Day time for long hours fighting bad guys we couldn’t see. We just tore up the landscape! When I got home and doing real people things, that wasn’t rosy at all, the wife was boring when it came to sex and had no adventure. After about 8 years of this I just gave up and didn’t bother with sex. Also I was working midnights and she worked a goofy shift and we saw each coming or going. I worked weekends and she didn’t. So at about 30 years old I couldn’t get it up if I tried it’s been a little over 40 years since we had sex last. Wife had a hysterectomy and she told she had no interest in intimacy, and for me that was fine. We stayed married but at a distance, she has our original home and I have a small place elsewhere in town. We don’t talk to each other or interact with each other. We do our own thing , I’m always busy as for her I don’t know probably knits all day and waits for the mail person?

  • Mark Alloy
    REPLY

    Mark Alloy
    10/28/2016
    Just food for thought.Rather than using the daily Viagra,try using the other that you take a couple hours before you intend to play.I only take a half a tablet which works great.
    Second,once this orgasm failure occured,it then could have become a mental block and could probably be snowballing.Just the thought of having an intiment evening with your bride could start throwing up a mental wall,
    A couple glasses of wine with your bride might relax your mind .
    I wish you luck,
    Mark

  • David Engle
    REPLY

    When elusive delayed orgasms became a problem for my wife and I we made things much better with a multi factored approach.
    First, I started doing kegel exercised. They are simple and discrete. I made a rule that each time I checked the time, I had to do 5 of them.
    Second, I tried to remember to breathe and relax during the act.
    Finally, and this may not be for everybody, my wife started looking at alternate ways to give me pleasure. She started rimming my back door, eventually progressing to prostate massage. That worked like a charm!
    Stay open minded, and know that there ARE other things we can experience which are capable of helping us to ‘finish’.

  • Tim
    REPLY

    Similar problem without theverection!!! I am frustrated at this point… No intercourse for three months… A couple of years since my last orgasim with my wife… Broken penis…

  • Belen CORTEZ
    REPLY

    My friends mentioned twice he has gone home and cry because he has not reached an orgasms peek of any erection. He is 11 years older. Is he depressed . He is a high functional alcoholic.

  • Phillip
    REPLY

    The problem could very well be the Viagra. Viagra tends to se-sensitize a man, making it more difficult to orgasm, with often a less enjoyable one too. A side note — it’s written that prostituescaren’t happy with this — what was once a 5 minute exercise, now men are taking a 1/2 hour or more to get off. tye other problem with Viagra is that it causes a dependency — after you are on it for a period, you wind up becoming more impotent, and need it to gain an erection. This dependency itends to be both physical and psychological. If you don’t have a pill nearby, you’ll stress over whether you can perform.

  • Maxxie
    REPLY

    maybe the gentleman should accept that sex can be enjoyable without orgasm, just like many (most) women whose partners don’t know how to satisfy a woman or simply don’t care

  • John Windsor-Cunningham
    REPLY

    Oh my God! Are you serious?! It’s time for a change, don’t you think? It is new, yes, – “new” – sexual interests which are usually needed by older men. Get your woman to be submissive – and I don’t refer to trivia as desrcibed in that dull book Fift Shades of Grey – but seriously t let your owmna explore her submissive (Or, if you prefer, her “dominant” side. Get something NEW going, get one of you begging, crying for it. THen you may find a new interest in sex arising twce as often as when you were young. Not enough talk here – and yes, I know people are scared of it and may not want to publish this – but start exploring what you really secretly, even if a little shamefully, long for. Bite, whip, wake up. My sex life has never been better I know that, with every year that passes.

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