Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’ve been dating a man for six weeks. We have gone out about seven times. We’ve been doing a lot of kissing and holding hands and just general touching. The other night I lay in bed with him and we petted with our clothes on. At this point I’m okay with petting, but I don’t feel comfortable getting naked and doing more. Does that make me a tease? He doesn’t push me, but he wants more.
I have a very high libido and want sex very much physically, but I’m not ready emotionally. First, I am very scared of having sex with someone who might have a sexually transmitted disease. I’ve never had one and don’t want one. So I would need to be sure the man was disease free before I would exchange any fluids, either through intercourse or fellatio.
Also, he mentioned early on that he doesn’t always have an erection. I’m confused about what he might request from me. I don’t want him to ask me to spend ages masturbating him or giving him oral sex to get him aroused.
I want to feel more secure with him so I’ll feel ready for sex – I’m in the process of recovering from a two-year relationship with a man who was not emotionally available, so I’m a little scared. —Ambivalent About Sex
As I say often, sex is never just about sex, and many components are contributing to your ambivalence: You’re concerned about rushing too fast, exposing yourself to STDs and not knowing how to please him; you’re not sure you would enjoy doing what he needs you to do and worry that the relationship won’t work out. That’s a lot to handle! It makes sense that you’re ambivalent.
Wanting physical affection but not intercourse does not make you a tease. There are plenty of ways to enjoy each other sensually and sexually without intercourse, as you’re discovering. (Of course we know this from our teenage years!) How to deal with his expectations? Voice your concerns. Tell him that you enjoy the sensuality of what you’ve been doing, but you’re not ready to take it further and can’t predict when or if you will be. Then get to know each other.
Meanwhile, a few things to think about: It sounds like he has hinted at his sexual needs but you haven’t ask him to clarify them. It’s common for older men to need more touching and other kinds of sexual stimulation. Their erections and orgasms often require more attention from a partner. You say you don’t want to do prolonged manual or oral sex for him, but what if that’s what he needs?
If the idea of pleasuring him however he needs to be pleasured turns you off, maybe he’s not the partner you want. Be honest with yourself. If we feel connected to a partner, we want to give pleasure as well as receive it.
Or are you reluctant because you fear you can’t satisfy him? Ask him to guide you through it or let you watch while he masturbates – that can be exciting for both of you. When you’re ready, explore sex toys that can stimulate him. He may already have a favorite. (See my blog’s reviews of sex toys for male bodies here.)
How do you know that he has no STDs? You don’t. Please heed the advice I gave here and use condoms for penetrative sex and fellatio every time. If, three to six months later, the two of you are in a committed, sexually exclusive relationship, both of you should get tested and decide whether it’s appropriate to go condom-free.
You have plenty to think about and talk about before you decide whether to take sex further with this partner. Best wishes to you! —Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex At Our Age.
Send Joan your questions by emailing email@example.com. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age.”
I’m so glad I found this website I’m 63 I’ve been single a long time I am very sensual I met a man I think we’re chemically a match if that makes sense we’ve already talked about how attracted we are to each other on very many levels physically intellectually and we laugh a lot. I am trying to shed the burden of how many dates before being intimate of course being a typical man he’s raring to go LOL and I am trying to allow my self Permission to have fun thank you for giving this to me
I like your response… I’m 65, my friend is 67. We are both widowed (me 7 years, him almost 1 year), We have been family friends for over 35 years, but started dating in January. Right now we are focusing on building a BEST FRIENDS relationship before we engage in sex. We are both physically attracted, and we also laugh a lot. I don’t want sex to ruin our friendship, we are both Christians, so in the back of my head… I hear NO SEX before marriage… BUT I’m not ready for that right now…
I just met a man, we started talking on Valentine’s day. He’s talking about having sex already and I’m not ready. I expressed my feelings to him, but he’s getting annoyed. We’re in our 60s. And another thing is in don’t want to get to know him in his apartment. Need advice.
I’m 65, in good, muscular physical shape, yet I Am hesitant about exposing my body to a man for the first time. I feel we’re compared to actresses and models – that men fantasize about those women and really WANT our bodies to look like those. Even if we worked at it, it isn’t going to happen.
My suggestion is….. leave your baggage at the airport. Life’s an adventure and this is a new one with a new man. Put on some pretty/sexy undies (no matter what size or shape you are) a garter belt and nylons, a pretty dress and high heels ( Life Stride are comfy n pretty). Let him take you out to a nice romantic dinner, flash a little garter belt hook on your nylons at him.. by accident . And then let Nature take its course. Sex should be spontaneous and fun. If he’s turned on and you are fun and receptive it will be a good experience for both of you….and no Laborious Sex with you doing things you don’t want to… thats not good for either of you. No embarrassing, serious talks… relax, put on some soft music, have a little wine and let your bodies take over. I’m 68..dating older men and Believe me this works.
Excellent response Joan. We’ve loaded sex with so much significance that it can hardly stand under the burden. Sex is very meaningful or just fun or both, depending on what we bring to it. We put so many expectations and rules on it that we drive away the spontaneity. Of course, we should be prepared with condoms, etc. (My plug here for the Female Condom FC2. It works even when the man’s penis doesn’t get bone hard.) but fellatio and cunnilingus are both pleasurable endeavors that would best not have to bear too big a burden of shoulds, musts and oughts.
I say all that with awareness that many more women than men carry wounds of childhood sexual abuse and continued abuse in adulthood. Those wounds easily become re-irritated. Men need to be much more sensitive to the responses of the partner.
As to erectile problems, there are now several excellent, fairly easy solutions that won’t require the woman to tire herself out.
I am 65 year old woman , i have BF in one of on line dating . he want me to be with him , now , I am scared , maybe he is not satisfied me because of my menopausal
i dont have a libido but still have feeling in sex , what will I do . thanks.
Rose Mae, if you want your own question answered, send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org with your story and your concerns. If I choose yours for my column, you’ll get a full answer.
I would like to address the first red flag I noticed, “I don’t feel comfortable getting naked…” Why? What about getting naked is not a comfort zone for you? Is this a body image issue? Are you concerned he will want more? Are you afraid you will let down your guard?
Ageless sex is about no expectations, creating sexual pleasure with no physical and emotional harm. Sex is all about pleasure and fun.
Joan has mentioned many ways to overcome the stumbling blocks you mentioned, but you might want to reread your questions. See if you are truly ready to express your affection sexually with this man.
It’s a balance between being and feeling safe – physically and emotionally – and minimizing (not completely eliminating) the risks that could lead to a wonderful experience. Using condoms will help minimize the physical risks but sometimes you may have to be a little vulnerable emotionally or take a leap of faith to be open to pleasure. That being said, feeling safe is the best catalyst to full pleasure and enjoyment for all parties involved.
Seems to me these folks need to read your book Naked at Our Age and communicate with each other. Talk about past sex lives, talk about past partners. Talk about P spot sex and how pleasurable it can be for him, and for her giving it to him.They need to talk to each other. I think laying in bed with your clothes on at this stage is ok, but also a bit juvenile. TALK TO EACH OTHER about what you want and where you want your relationship to go. Then the whole world will open up to you.