Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Lightning Round: Quickies
Normally, my Sex at Our Age column presents one reader question with background and my detailed answer. I often get questions that are too short for my column. Usually I need to ignore those, because I get far too many emails to answer the ones I can’t use in the column. This month, however, I’m doing something different: a “lightning round” of five short questions and my short answers: Quickies.
Q1: I’m 61 and my wife is 64. She has had no interest in sex for 20 years. She’s barely even willing to talk about it. I read about a lubricant that enhances sensation for a female. Can you tell me what lubricant that is?
A: Stimulating lubricants exist, but they can’t solve the problem of a partner who has no interest in sex and won’t talk about it. Until she opens up about her feelings about sex and about your relationship, arousal advice won’t be helpful. I strongly suggest a sex therapist. If she’s unwilling, go on your own to try to understand what’s happening in your marriage and get strategies for improving it.
Discomfort during sex
Q2: Nothing and no one can help me with the discomfort I feel during intercourse. I’m a 66-year-old woman in good health. I’ve used copious lubrication of all brands. I’ve tried Vagifem and Intrarosa. I’ve been to a urologist and two gynecologists. I’ve had examinations, lab tests and procedures. Meanwhile, my penetration-related sex life is ruined by this pain. Is there a specialist who would go the extra mile to find a solution? Please don’t suggest other modes of sexual expression. I’m asking about intercourse exclusively.
A: You’ve done the right things so far to try to solve your problem. Fortunately, there are specialists who can help you. A pelvic floor therapist is trained to diagnose and treat sexual pain — find a provider here.
Suddenly unable or orgasm
Q3: I am 75. My partner and I love to make love, but just three weeks ago, I stopped being able to orgasm. It hit out of the blue. He is very caring and considerate and doesn’t mind the time it takes. But now, while I get lots of pleasure, I am so anxious that I can’t even get to the edge anymore. I’m on blood pressure meds, but that’s not new. I’ve cut down on alcohol. It’s weird because when I was young, I was a sexual volcano.
A: If inability to reach orgasm happens suddenly, it’s essential to see your doctor as soon as possible. This can be a first sign of a medical condition such as heart disease, diabetes, Parkinson’s, or a neurological disorder, to name a few. Blood pressure drugs can affect sexual function, as can alcohol. It’s important to find out what’s going on. Please get checked out medically.
Friend with benefits
Q4: I am 77 and lost my wife 9 long years ago. A relationship is unfortunately out of the question, because I’m a full-time caregiver to my son. I don’t want to give false hope to a lady. I am looking for a “friend with benefits,” with the emphasis on friend, and hopefully benefits. I am too much of a gentleman to risk offending a lady, so I don’t know how to go about it. It won’t be the end of the world if I continue to be on my own, but it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up to occasionally.
A: A “friend with benefits” is a relationship — you agree to be friends who are sexual together, without commitment or expectations that you’ll become a couple. I suggest using one of the dating sites that lets you describe yourself and what you seek in your profile. Explain your situation clearly, as you did here. Most people on a dating site may be looking for more and will scroll past your profile. But some — maybe a recent widow or a spousal caregiver — may feel the same way you do. It might take a while, so don’t give up.
Role play okay?
Q5: I’m wondering if it is okay for role play to occur in a senior relationship. If so, how do I go about finding a sexual relationship with another senior? I am a 69-year-old man looking for a woman in her 70s. Are there older women who are intellectually sophisticated enough to be receptive to this type of relationship?
A: Sure, role playing is fine, and many people, including seniors, enjoy it. You didn’t say what you want to role play, but whatever your fantasy, you can find another consenting adult who shares it. If your role play scenario is tame, you can suggest it to any partner you date. If it’s kinky, Fetlife is an online community for kinksters and a good starting place for finding like-minded partners.
Finally, to the 16 men who wrote to ask me to hook them up with casual sex partners, sorry, guys. That’s not what I do. Use the dating and hookup apps.
That’s all I have space for now. Comment below if you’d to see a collection of “quickies” again soon.
Send Joan your questions by emailing email@example.com. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication.
Joan Price is the author of several books including “The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50” and the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age” and her Facebook page. For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers, join Joan’s mailing list. View Joan’s new free webinar, “Safer Sex for Seniors.”
If you’re afraid of role playing give it a start with something mild. My wife and I were always intimate but we never did much role play. Now we do; usually with my wife the boss and me her well behaved husband. It is a turn on and when I have an orgasm issue or ED event we can incorporate that into role play. With prostate massage we’re even grown our role play to be where I’m her ashamed husband and she’s pleasuring me anally. A little extreme but great fun. We wish we got into years ago.
Listening to a lot of these comments is quite helpful, however, my issue is that I have lived alone since I was in my early 40’s, after a divorce etc…It had been about 30 years since I really dated or had sex. I had a bad marriage and just delved into my kids and work! I am now 75. I am slim, healthy and fairly good looking for my age. Last year I met a really nice guy who was a little over 2 years out of a divorce. I did not want the relationship at first, I was too independent and liked my women friends. We have sex, I was very scared at first, and thought It would be terrible, but I’ m happy I discovered it again, however, Tom wants sex all the time, its almost like he has an addiction. We can make love 3 times in a row and he ejaculates every time and I’m lucky if, with the help of a vibrator, I get to have an orgasm. He could literally have sex every day 3 times a day if I let him. I can’t do this, and he knows how to please me too. My issue though, is that I feel like he is with me because I can, and will have sex. He can’t keep his hands off of me and sometimes, I just want to be hugged, and hug him, but, I think in his mind when I touch him, he thinks I want to get intimate again. He is very loving, and we have now been together close to 2 years. I always have to tell him, I need space, and that he is smothering me. When I tell him my concerns, he says”I know, I need to control myself”. Not sure how to handle this. I really care for him and he thinks, I am just a smart and sexy lady! Imagine I’m 75years old and he is 70! Maybe I need not complain! Any thoughts on this? I bet my kids would be shocked!
I think you are right, Erectile dysfunction is the most difficult problem men faces. And I guess in this case the one should consult immediately to the expert. This issue can be solved.
Jesse GoldBerg I am Looking For A Friend With Benifits It Works .
I recently broke up with this guy after I found out he has a girlfriend. We still continued to see each other after I found out. It wasn’t the sex that kept me around, I thought we had something “good”. I honestly thought he’d choose me. Stupid right?. Anyway,I eventually let it go,but when I masturbate, I often picture him and his girlfriend having sex. I am talking about from the foreplay to actual penetration. I’m there in the room in the corner wearing a silk black mini robe, black thigh high fishnet stockings, sexy red pumps, and black shades to cover my eyes. I can see everything they are doing, but they can’t see me. I don’t leave until they finish or I finish, whatever comes first. Its like I was never there. I don’t know…it sounds weird to me because I normally don’t get off to other people. I was thinking its because I know what’s going on and not lying to myself about it. I’m an overtthinker so I’m wondering,is there a deeper meaning to this?
There are many physical and emotional benefits of having sex as you age. But sex is not everything in a relationship as it shouldn’t be. Friendship and understanding and common interests are more important.
I am 74 nd in fair health. I am financially independent. This is a big problem in itself. My husband and I were married 23 years and had 2 boys. He was absent from family life. When I finally felt safe enough for a divorce he married a 14 younger women who he has 2 daughters with and are very wealthy but he is out of my life thank goodness. We are on very amicable terms, but he has said he has a new family with his girls and ignore his sons completely. He stole their trust funds. My next boyfriend was passive aggressive. stole, lied, cheated etc. I supported him completely. My #3 friend was also financially dependent on me. We fought constantly, he lied, cheated was physically abusive and very mentally abusive. I got rid of him 14 months ago after 20 YEARS and got a therapist and moved to a 55+ community. I love my house and home but am terriby lonely. I have never lived alone since college at 23. I do not like the people in the community. My oldest son is like his father ,who physically abused him. He rules my granddaughters by fear and intimidation so I am not involved in their lives. He lives 30 miles away. My youngest son is 1900 miles away with his wife and my two grandsons. We are very close. I am very active in handling several properties I have and financials. My youngest helps me(both sons, husband and my father are lawyers). But I am so lonesome and miss sex a lot. I am afraid to go on a dating site because of my privacy and being used again. My mother was an alcoholic. My brother was bipolar and killed himself at 54. He had 2 daughters but their mother does not let us communicate. I have a hard time physically going to New York but about 2 times a year. How do I find companionships that I cam trust?. Are there dating sites that screen men and try to find me a friend?
Laurel, I’m moved and concerned. If you’d like to have your question considered for my column, copy and paste what you wrote here into an email to email firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
Joan, I just love your column and I find it helpful, hopeful, and healthy. We’re stlll here so let’s celebrate!! If only I can find Mr. totally functional senior!
Thank you for sharing life with us.