Sex & Relationships

Ask Joan: Ending The Seven Year…Drought

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Have a question about senior relationships, sex and intimacy?  Every month Senior Planet’s award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Subscribe now (do it here) and don’t miss a single column. Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, tech tips, celebrity interviews and more. 

A Reader asks:

I am a woman of 75 and have not been able to reach orgasm for about seven years. I really miss it. I am happily single and have always had great success with vibrators, using them solo and with partners as well. Vibrators never used to fail me – but now they do. I even bought a more powerful vibrator, still no orgasm.

I went for a pap exam and summoned the courage to ask the gynecologist, a woman of about 60, about this. She fulfilled my greatest fears by immediately putting up a wall, saying, “You need to talk to a sex therapist.”

I told her that I’ve never had any issue about sex, never thought it was dirty or wrong. I told her it must be a physical issue. I had been hearing about all this sex going on with older people, so maybe it wasn’t age that prevented my orgasms as I had thought. I wanted help figuring this out.

This doctor made me feel that I was an old fool asking about something that I was no longer entitled to.

After she recovered from my question, she said my medications could be affecting me sexually. I take Prozac and blood pressure medication. But she said she did not need to do an exam on anyone over 65 who was not active with a partner.

She finally went ahead with the exam, but told me nothing. I learned later – only because I saw it on a computer screen at an appointment with a different doctor – that she wrote in my chart that I have vulvar atrophy. She didn’t tell me that. No tests of any kind were ordered. In fact, she said I never needed to see her again unless I met up with “tall, dark, and handsome.”

I have a physical next month with my female GP and I’d like to bring this up. After the GYN’s reaction, though, I am very nervous. This doctor made me feel that I was an old fool asking about something that I was no longer entitled to. As we age, we do have to give up things, and perhaps that’s one of them. I just want to know for sure and to be treated compassionately.

After that reaction from my GYN, I have been reluctant to ask for any help from anyone. Thank you for any assistance you can provide.

–  No Orgasm for 7 Years

 

Joan responds:

I am enraged on your behalf. You were treated incompetently and insultingly. Despite being a woman in her sixties herself, your gynecologist demonstrated ageism, sexism, and unprofessionalism.

…your gynecologist demonstrated ageism, sexism, and unprofessionalism.

Vulvovaginal atrophy is a condition that affects the majority of postmenopausal women, with symptoms of vaginal dryness and difficult or painful intercourse (dyspareunia). This is not the problem you presented, though. That she would dismiss your actual complaint of inability to orgasm (anorgasmia) is unconscionable.

..I am incensed that your gynecologist thought you were undeserving of sexual pleasure unless you had a male partner.

Anorgasmia, particularly if you used to be able to orgasm, can have a medical cause that needs to be investigated. For example:

  • Medications including blood pressure medications, antipsychotic drugs, antihistamines and antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).
  • Heart disease
  • Diabetes
  • Overactive bladder
  • Hormonal changes
  • Multiple sclerosis
  • Tissue damage from gynecologic surgeries, such as hysterectomy or cancer surgery.

Yes, talk to your GP and ask all your questions. You might start this way:

  1. I value my sexual pleasure. I am very concerned because I can no longer reach orgasm, although I used to do so easily with my vibrator. This started about seven years ago, but I thought this was part of aging and was embarrassed to ask about it. Now I’m learning that we don’t “age out” of the ability to orgasm, and I need your help.
  2. Should we consider hormone replacement therapy?
  3. I am on Prozac and blood pressure medication, and I’ve learned that both can affect sexual response. Can we try different medications?
  4. I didn’t realize that inability to reach orgasm may be a sign of an underlying medical issue. Can we run some tests to figure out what’s going on?
  5. If you want me to see a gynecologist, please refer me to a different one. The one I saw last time dismissed my concerns, did not try to help me, and told me I didn’t need to come back unless I’m in a relationship. This was unhelpful and insulting.

About that last point: I am incensed that your gynecologist thought you were undeserving of sexual pleasure unless you had a male partner. You know, and I know, and our Senior Planet readers know that our orgasms do not depend on having “tall, dark, and handsome” in our lives.

This categorization of women’s sexuality sounds like a bad movie from the 1950s. I’m astounded that a gynecologist would display such an anti-sex, anti-pleasure, anti-woman sentiment and practice gynecology with these antiquated notions.

I hope you’ll update us after your appointment with your GP. You might print out this column to take to your appointment!

Resources:

Have you experienced ageism in your doctor’s office? take this informal poll and let us know, and we’ll run a follow up post on how to complain effectively.

Have you experienced ageism by a medical professional?

 

Before submitting your question to Joan: 

  • Check https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/ in case Joan has already addressed your topic.
  • Joan can only answer questions from people age 60 and above.
  • Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
  • If your question is under consideration for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email. If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
  • Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.

 

 

 

COMMENTS

12 responses to “Ask Joan: Ending The Seven Year…Drought

  1. I am stunned and saddened at the GYN’s attitude and response, and grateful, Joan, for your thorough, informative, and compassionate reply.

    Just to share that not every GYN shares such ageist and uninformed behavior: When I asked my GYN a related question, she responded with compassion and enthusiasm, “Let’s make a plan.” We did, and I’m glad to report there was a very happy outcome.

  2. Joan Price’s detailed answers to that very unfortunate Dr-patient interaction, under title of “Ending the Seven Year…Drought” was THE most comprehensive that I’ve ever read to such a challenging question !

    One “best” aspect is to print it all out, for ready reference when pt is addressing the matter in person.
    The previous comments are on point also.

    From a Health Educator:
    Kudos also to that woman w / courage to detail this often controversial topic–best of luck w/ med follow-up !

    1. My webinar, “How the Heck Do I Date at This Age?” — https://joanprice.com/webinars — will help you with that. But be forewarned – I do recommend the dating sites, because that’s where the people are. Notice I say “dating sites,” where you can create an authentic and appealing profile and read those of potential dates, not “dating apps” which are based more on appearance and first impressions.

  3. Suggest the author also lets other people know about how poor this Gynaecologist’s people skills are in whatever way she can. Sometimes there are websites where you can record these matters. Also where I am in Australia there is a Health Care Complaints Commission. Take action to protect others from this awful, incompetent and unprofessional person!

  4. I, unfortunately, have seen physicians who think that they are god’s gift to human kind and dismiss their patients as ignorant. They forget that they are technicians.
    Write a letter to the employer of that physician with your concerns. Then find rating sites and give that person a poor rating. Go to the appropriate facebook, instagram, etc plateforms and give that person a poor rating.

  5. That was unbelievable. Your suggestions Joan are, as usual, on the mark, to the point and helpful. I would add one thing. Send an e-mail to that GYN with everything written here. I would also consider sending this whole thread to the appropriate licensing board.

  6. This is the first time I have read Joan’s column.
    I am also a woman of 75.
    I thank “– No Orgasm for 7 Years” for her detailed letter and Joan for her response.
    They have been both helpful and comforting for me.

  7. I am 76 and needless to say I have been treated with disregard from various doctors in past. I have learned if you are treated and dismissed this way from any physician-find another doctor There should be plenty to choose from if you are in an urban area.

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