What’s Wrong With My Online Dating Profile?
Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
I would love to know how a very attractive woman in her early 70s living in Brooklyn can even get a date in this city. I have tried many of the dating websites — OurTime (the only one I’m still using), Plenty of Fish, Match, eHarmony — to no avail. Either the men who are interested in me won’t come into Brooklyn or meet me in NYC, or they are from another state and tell me how they would love to meet me, but I live too far away. Then there are those that just want to be “pen pals”! It’s sickening! There is nowhere left to go.
I took off nine years from my real age in my dating profile. If I didn’t, no one would write to me. I get hundreds of emails, but in three years of being on OurTime, I went out on only one date with a nice guy, but I wasn’t attracted to him.
I had a bad break up 15 years ago with someone I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. It was devastating, and afterward I was so heartbroken – even though there were many problems with that relationship. Still, no one has come close to him in my eyes.
What are we supposed to do — give up? Where are the so-called activists that stand up for attractive and vibrant senior females who earnestly want a meaningful relationship or marriage?
And why is my profile drawing all the wrong men. —What’s Wrong With My Profile?
Joan Responds
So many people of our age complain about this! It’s true that it’s hard enough to meet single seniors, let alone find someone with whom we feel a connection. Thank you for offering to send your profile and agreeing to let us publish it here, so that I can help you and others by being your “profile doctor.”
Reading your profile, I spot two glaring reasons that you’re getting out-of-towners and pen pals. You asked for them! And there are reasons, too, that men are just looking to play. Let’s take a look:
Age 64
Brooklyn, NY
Looking For:
Marriage, Serious Relationship, Travel Partner, Casual Relationship, Friendship, Pen Pal
Fix #1: “Casual Relationship” translates as “no emotional involvement, but might include sex.” And you list “Pen Pal” – which you then complain about! Fix that list. If you want a serious relationship, eliminate these options.
A little about me…
If you’re the right one and live more than 50 miles away, that isn’t a deal breaker, that’s a challenge to be overcome. We may be miles apart in geography, but the world is getting smaller every day. I would like to relocate to another State, so don’t let New York throw you. I am only a “click” away!
If you live far away and you are interested in talking to me that is a good start. I am willing to move in the future for the right person if that should happen. Always looking to make “new friends’ even if a relationship doesn’t develop.
Fix #2: You’re saying, in essence, “I don’t care where you live, write to me.” So that’s what men do! If you want people who live in Brooklyn or at least New York City, kill those first two paragraphs.
Fix # 3: Here’s the biggest problem of all. Your first two paragraphs say nothing about you or what you’re looking for. People skim profiles. They don’t read them word for word if the first paragraph doesn’t grab them. Make your first paragraph a strong description of who you are and what you’re seeking. Yes, include Brooklyn, but don’t make it all about location – make it about you.
I am a Sweet, Blue-eyed Blonde Lady, who is passionate and sensual, who exudes femininity which seems to be lost in today’s world. I am kindhearted and easygoing with a spirited nature. I am an engaging, playful, sometimes shy, energetic gal with a heart of Gold. Witty and with just the right creative juices to keep my man entertained and never bored. I enjoy all types of music especially Classical and Alternative Music. I love to walk hand in hand, arm in arm in the moonlight or sitting and listening to the rain or snuggling by the fire on a cold winter night. Listening is just as important as being able to express yourself, being able to talk to one another.
Fix # 4: When I read your third paragraph, where you finally describe yourself, I understand why you get hundreds of messages. You sound wonderfully attractive, energetic, entertaining, playful —maybe even too playful, because that may imply “party girl, available for sex, committed relationship not required. That would be fine if indeed that’s what you mean, but from what you’ve told me, it’s not. Rework your description so that it stays lively and appealing, but reflects your serious side, too.
Fix #5: “I love to walk hand in hand, arm in arm in the moonlight or sitting and listening to the rain or snuggling by the fire on a cold winter night.” That sounds romantic, but it also sounds like a gazillion other people. Everyone wants romance and snuggling – best to talk about what makes you unique, not like every other person on a dating site. What do you do or care about? Work? Volunteering? Special interests?
About the one I’m looking for…
The man I desire has to have integrity and loves conversation as I do. I am seeking a kindhearted, attractive man who still has the touch of the boy in him, who will love me the way I love him, a gentleman, a very compassionate man. He would possess a mixture of confidence and vulnerability and be emotionally available for a committed relationship. Please be ready and emotionally available for a long term relationship with a loyal, monogamous partner.
Fix # 6: You describe the man you’re looking for in a much more serious and authentic way. Here’s where you say you’re looking for a serious, committed relationship. You need to say that sooner, so that the men who just want to play don’t contact you.
You mention in your email to me that you lie about your age. I’m a firm believer in us not lying about our age. In fact, I say in my own dating profile, “I don’t lie about my age -— that’s part of the authenticity that I advocate. Women tell me they have to shave off 5–10 years from the age they admit on dating sites, or men their age reject them. Please help me prove them wrong.”
I hope this helps. Good luck rewriting your profile and drawing the men you truly want! —Joan
More About Joan Price
Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
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Comments
I’m 72 and when honest a man said “are you going to be alive much longer?” My profile now days in 65 and I’m popular. But I’m supposed to continue with the true age??
It has been my experience that men tend to associate anything in the 70’s as decrepit. They don’t even look any further than the age so they never get to read that you’re vibrant, walk 3-5 miles daily. Even if you’re attractive, look much younger than your age, say photo is current, they just assume the photo is not current because you look too young for 70. Additionally, men in their 60’s and 70’s tend to be somewhat in denial, they normally want to try to date someone at least 10-20 years younger….Arm candy.
I just signed up for a dating site having turned 70 and friends mentioned that I too change my age. I am very young at heart and don’t look my age. I decided to be truthful in my profile, as when I was in my late 50s, I signed up for a dating site and lied by 5 years. When I was on a date w/a very nice gentleman and he asked for another date, I fessed up. He was very disappointed and said “if I lied about the small stuff” how could he trust me in a relationship! I learned my lesson.
At this age, this is what you get, warts and all. Yet, I too find men will send a note and then not follow up, or you get to the phone stage and they say they’ll call and don’t. Still very much like high school, but hope still springs eternal in me. Good luck, G. Vent
Your comments are right on target; especially important is the one about age. If you are 75, tell me. If I can’t handle that, it is my loss. Because, if you say 65 and I later find out, you’ve established major doubt about your integrity.
I was signed up on a dating site by a friend who thought I was five years younger. When this came up, I tried to change the date and the site would not let me. I had to quit using it so women would not cross me out. Honesty is the number one criteria, at least for me. If that’s not there, nothing else matters.