Should You Give Up on Online Dating?
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A reader writes:
As a senior woman, my online dating experience has been abysmal. I have tried it three times in all, each separated by a year or so.
The first time, I was chatting with a man online. After talking a bit about our divorces, he said, “Well, this has been nice, but can we talk dirty next time?” Um, nope. I was a bit shocked at the request.
The second man seemed interesting, and we met for coffee, but he seemed fascinated by the whole online dating thing and viewed it as a great social experiment. He wanted to compare notes about our experiences. He didn’t seem very interested in me and the actual date, which was really disappointing. He asked me one question after another, but none of them were get-to-know-you date questions.
The third and last time I tried online dating, a guy initiated a conversation by email. It was a busy time for me, and I didn’t answer right away. Then I got a second email from him telling me I should go “whore myself out in a bar,” because that’s all I was good for. I told him that he was a pathetic excuse for a man and had no right to call me inappropriate names, and I would report him to the website’s administrator. He begged me not to, claiming this was his last chance at meeting women, and to please give him another chance. He wouldn’t leave me alone, so I pulled my profile from the site and never went back.
I’ve decided I would rather meet men through friends and acquaintances in my own town, in my own way, even if it’s much slower. I am not a gambler, and meeting men from a website is too much of a gamble for me.
Why are so few man putting themselves out there to meet women and develop relationships? —Done with Online Dating
Joan replies:
You tried online dating three times over a period of three years. That’s not a good test! If we’re doing online dating right, we’ll contact and be contacted by dozens of people, email or message many, meet some and maybe have second dates with a handful.
From there, maybe we’ll end up in a relationship and maybe we won’t. But if we don’t try, we won’t meet anyone. If we give up after one dissatisfying date and two chats or emails with creeps, we’re not giving online dating a chance. Seriously.
I’m all in favor of meeting people through acquaintances – that’s how I met my first husband, who is still my very close friend. And meeting someone while out doing social activities that we enjoy is splendid – that’s how I met the love of my life, my second husband, who literally danced into my life by attending the line-dance class I was teaching.
But the truth is this: Online dating is where the single seniors are. It’s darned hard to meet interested singles our age any other way. Think about it: Your future partner is sitting home wondering how to meet a woman like you. What’s he going to do? Probably join a few online dating sites, post a profile and start scrolling through profiles that interest him. If you’re not there, the two of you will never connect.
Yes, there are some creeps online. I would have encouraged you to report man number three, especially when he wouldn’t leave you alone. Removing your profile and quitting the site hurt you, not him.
The creeps are a very small minority. As a widow, I’ve been online dating for a few years. I’ve met marvelous people. I’ve also met many whom I did not want to see again for one reason or another. They weren’t bad people – we simply weren’t a match. But just because we weren’t potential mates doesn’t mean the time was wasted.
I like what your second guy did. Let me guess what might have been going on for him: He made the date with you, knew quickly that it wasn’t going to work out, but he was interested in what you had to say, and he wanted to understand more about how women experience online dating. That sounds like a fine way to make the best of a date that wasn’t going to have a future.
Just because three contacts over three years didn’t work out does not mean that men don’t want relationships. They do, just as we do. Don’t give up.
I know you see online dating as a gamble, but I encourage you to view it as a game instead. You’re playing a game where you have the opportunity to view many men’s profiles as they look for love. You can contact as many or as few as you like. You can meet someone or decide not to. You make your own rules. If you eliminate the “I must meet the right man immediately or I’ve wasted my time and this whole online dating thing is bunk” notion, and instead make it an interesting social activity, you may find you’re having a good time even with the men who don’t end up being second (or third) dates. That’s what I find, and it serves me well. In fact, it’s fun. —Joan
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Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
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Comments
Thanks for the article. It was very well done, well thought out, and explained perfectly and clearly.
I’m 57. Female. I’ve been online dating off and on for the last 5 years. I’ve given more than once. I tried a few paid online dating sites without much luck.
I don’t look my age, I look and act younger. I’m attractive, I’m in shape, I dress well. I’m decently educated. I take care of myself.
It’s not just 1 or 2 creepy men with me, it’s more like a slew of them. Men wanting JUST sex. Interested in a FWB. Married men. Couples interested in a third. Young men in their 20’s and 30’s.
Very rarely did I ever get messaged by a decent guy. Sometimes, rarely as well, would ever get a message back after I messaged someone I thought sounded real. We’d chat a bit. A few days or so and he’d disappear. That I get a lot. Guys disappearing on me. Rejecting me. Not responding.
A few dates that were okay. Most guys don’t even want to take me out — they just want to take me to bed. No nice dinner and drinks, just sex. Men just skip the whole taking a woman out and want to jump right into bed.
Now I’ve just given up totatlly. After 5 years of unsuccessful online dating. I am not from this state I’m living in, I don’t have a lot of friends who can introduce me to men. I have no family here either. So I’ve been pretty much stuck with online dating.
I don’t like giving up but the longer I try the more depressed and sad I get. I’ve spent time on myself. I spent 7-8 months on my self. I took very good care myself. I stopped all online activity. I didn’t date. It was all about me. So I’ve done all that too.
This time I give up totally. I don’t have the energy to put up with the creepy men. The scammers out for blood. The men just wanting a hookup.
Like I’ve said, I don’t want to give up but I have had no luck with online dating.
Reading this again a few years later, I’m sorry I was so hard on you, Joan. I was frustrated and I took it out on you. I’m sorry. However, I’ve been online dating ever since, and things really haven’t improved. I have lowered my standards, I have broadened my parameters, I have chatted with many men. But still it seems the ones that I am very interested in, that I have a lot in common with, will not respond to me or contact me… And the ones that I have zero in common with and just think I’m a pretty face are all over that stuff and won’t leave me alone. I mean they’re nice people but just not in my league. And let’s face it I need to be attracted to somebody and they have to have something to offer me on the same level and caliber that I bring it to the table.
And what I said about dating here in my little central Wisconsin town is still true. Many of them, when we meet for coffee and they think we’ve really hit it off, think that we are dating exclusively. If I wanted it to be otherwise I would have to be very explicit with my words and explain that I’m seeing other men as well – and that would be seen as slutty. Those men would definitely feel taken advantage of and would most likely not continue the relationship. And that might sound strange to you out in California but that’s really how it is here. Another thing that makes it difficult is that I write a local column and I’m somewhat of a celebrity here and that makes things a little awkward. So I have to be a little careful about how I am perceived by the public.
You would be proud to know that I am still out there trying to online date even though it is extremely difficult. I just think a lot of men have this ideal notion that they can still get a young woman who is perfect for them. I don’t know if they look in the mirror and see what we see. But when the age range for the female they are looking for is 25 – 52 and the guy is 63 well you can believe that he’s in a lot of denial there.
Another reason I think online dating is so difficult is because at this point in our lives we are all very set in our ways and even though we would like to find someone to share our lives with, it’s difficult to make any change at all. For example, there is a man I found online who lives in a town 20 minutes away from me. We have a lot in common, and I mean a lot more than usual. I sent him a message and asked him if he’d like to go for coffee, and he turned me down… because I am one inch taller than him, and he had an awkward experience once trying to kiss a woman who was taller than he. He doesn’t even want to meet me! I told him I thought he might forgive me being a slight bit taller than him since all the other things matched up so well, but he wasn’t convinced.
And this is just one example of how online dating is so frustrating. I don’t think people realize that at this point in our lives we’re never going to find someone who fits all the things we want. We have to find someone who fits 80-85% of those things and let the rest go. I just need to find a guy who’s willing to do that. LOL
Anyway I just wanted to take the time to share that and say thanks Joan.
I am in a different part of the country but many of your comments rang true with me in this area also! I am in a college town, a fair amount of cultural events, 100K population, and not many responses! Maybe I need to expand my acceptance level? How far do you compromise? It is much harder at my age! I guess I may be naieve as to the amount of fake profiles? I have heard that if you don’t hear a response, that may be the case. I take care of my appearance, am educated, self examined, and yet by far most contacts are only interested in the first part, not that I can hold an intelligent conversation or know who I am. Am I missing something about compatibility? LOL, might as well laugh! Oh, and most of the men who are interested in only the pictures, either don’t have any or haven’t bothered to take care of their appearance. I definitely realize we are all older and am not looking for youth just someone who shows they care to put their best foot forward.
I am still looking, have been off for at the most 3 months at a time. I do realize that if we don’t try, absolutely nothing will happen. I am just frustrated that in 5 years, the pool rarely changes. Seems men who have taken care of their appearance, are financially and emotionally stable are either fake or looking for someone 20 years younger!
I appreciate that you wanted to check in , re-evaluate your earlier response, and update us. One inch taller is a deal-breaker? Wow, he doesn’t know what he’s missing. And you’re right that we’re all set in our ways. We want someone to fit us — we’re often not willing to compromise. The trick, I think, is to differentiate between the changes that would go against what we like about ourselves, and which ones might be growth.
Yes, online dating is frustrating, but how else do we meet other single seniors? Good for you sticking with it!
– Joan
It’s a ‘game’ that is no fun at all. I hate online dating. I’d rather get waterboarded than do this junk! Whatever happened to real dating in real time?
First of all thanks Joan
It can be a minefield. As I swipe left and right it can get me, one, realising you haven’t had a match in quite a while! But, yes as you say, if you are happy with yourself, and love yourself, you can start to appreciate that people ‘rejecting’ you, they are actually just rejecting a short snippet of an online existence.
Regards
Preet