Men and Late In Life Dating

Whether you’re a divorced man, a widower, have never married or never even been in a committed relationship, you may someday tire of being alone. I completely understand –  I have been in your shoes (as have millions of other men).  Luckily, there are many best practices for men to go to school on as they emerge from their “cave.”

Men have various reasons for late in life dating. Some men hope to discover love; others are happy with someone who can cook meals or care for them should they ever become ill. Others are lonely, (usually the result of a divorce or the death of their spouse) and desire someone with whom they can share a bed. Still others are wounded following an unwanted breakup, or a previous romantic experience gone bad: they shy away from exposing their emotions (or their wallets) to more pain and are slow to look for future entanglements. 

One thing about men who give dating another try later in life:  they like moving things along pretty fast! They would be better advised to be a bit more patient. Through my years of research, I have found men in similar situations to be a bit impulsive, a behavior that triggers potentially devastating errors in judgment.

To be honest, there are many risks associated with late-in-life dating, from the emotional dangers of rejection to the financial risks presented by someone with predatory motives.  However, that should not deter a single or widowed man (or anyone) from seeking a companion and more.  Dating can be exciting. It’s fun, but it can complicate one’s life, so go about it with your common sense fully engaged; moving forward with intent and purpose.

Where does an eligible man begin?

If you are considering re-entering the dating scene, you first need to understand your own motives clearly. What is missing in your life; a partner or a hot date? Do you seek the companionship of a woman of deep faith? An intellectual who can debate the issues of the day? Someone who can make you laugh and has a great figure? Sure, you want all of the above – but what are your MUST HAVES?  You need to know them and then look for them in those you meet. For instance, in life we all accumulate baggage. If you are asking a new companion to accept your baggage, are you willing to accept theirs?  

Where to begin looking

There are more options for online late in life dating than ever. When I decided to seek a new life companion, I subscribed to the online dating service, eHarmony.com. (Be aware not all online dating services are created equal.) Fortunately for me, eHarmony paired me with a computer engineer named Maria.  Maria subscribed to eHarmony herself because she happened to know the psychologist that designed eHarmony’s matching software, and he confirmed that it was scientifically valid.  I suspect not all online dating services can make the same claim: Maria and I were married a year later.

For older men wanting to take the plunge, here’s a quick dating checklist for senior males:

• Know yourself

1. 1. • What void in your life are you attempting to fill?
      • Are you emotionally ready for a relationship?

• Identify your Must Haves and your Never Wants

1. 1. • Children? A smoker/drinker? Someone younger? Someone healthy? Someone who is financially self-sufficient?

• Clean-up

1. 1. • Women prefer men who take care of themselves physically as well as visually.
      • Never invite a woman into a cluttered or messy residence.  

• Define your dating strategy

1. 1. • Consider the services of a dating coach.
      • Would you be open to blind dates? 
      • If you use an online service, be honest when answering their questionnaire.  
      • Join groups or volunteer where you are likely to meet others possessing common interests.

• Get off the sofa!

1. 1. • Be where people are found; civic and public events, at a house of worship or clubs. My mother once said to me, “If you want to meet a nice girl, go to church!” Regardless of your beliefs, my mother’s advice is worthy of consideration.

• Be honest about your intentions

1. 1. • Don’t say you’re the “marrying type” if you are not.

When you’re ready to pick up the phone, remember:

• Some of the most enjoyable dates don’t have to cost anything.
• Plan for dates that both you and your new friend will genuinely enjoy.
• First dates over lunch at a favorite restaurant make for a safe environment for both parties.

…And enjoy the moment!

If you’re looking for the flip side, read this Senior Planet story. And always practice safe dating practices so you don’t wind up in a story like this one.  Yikes!

Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

 

Photo credit: Katherine Hanlon for Unsplash