The Man Cave on…Retirement and Significant Others
Are conflicts that arise in retirement fueling the rise in “Grey Divorce?” Handling the change in dynamics is key to happy coupledom.
Imagine you retired a couple years ago. Your kids have left the nest, you enjoy your hobbies, time to exercise, and new routines. You especially relish having the house to yourself and the peace and quiet.
Until now.
Your partner has just retired and is at home 24/7. Your routines are interrupted, the TV is blaring, and you’re constantly being asked to accompany them on errands, walks, and visiting friends. You liked things better when your significant other was at work and weekends were your together time.
The Change in Dynamics
Scenarios like this are all too common, and without an open and honest discussion, the situation can grow so stressful it can end badly. So called “Gray Divorce” — which has been increasing in couples over 60 for a number of reasons—is sometimes the result of the change in dynamics that come with retirement. (Here’s one take on the topic, and one woman’s observation that post-divorce she moved on and her ex-husband had a relationship with the TV.)
While I haven’t retired, I’m guilty of not understanding how a change in careers can impact a spouse. Years ago I left the corporate world to embark on a full time writing and speaking career, and my “home office” was indeed in the home, spread between a spare bedroom and an office.
My projects (research books, files, etc.) had a way of creeping to even more rooms. So not only was my wife trying to adjust to my mess but also to having me around the house much more often than in the past. Looking back, we should have talked about the change in my occupation before I started working from home and established a few parameters that worked for both of us. Especially helpful would have been addressing personal space, assignment of household tasks, and perhaps even scheduling some regular time together for activities that both of us enjoy.
Challenges and Changes
I’ve also heard from friends about the difficulties that crop up when one person retires while the other continues to work:
- Jealousy of the others’ free time
- Issues can arise when one partner is earning money and one is not
- With the different income dynamic one person might try to “supervise” the spending of the other.
- Lack of “quiet” time
Difficulty Adjusting to Retirement
Perhaps the most impactful and difficult challenge occurs when a partner retires, and their adjustment to their new-found freedom does not go well. For example, they mope around the house, they have a diminished sense of purpose and self-worth, and the lack of structure leads to feelings of boredom and even depression. This is when therapy, either single or joint, is needed.
A marriage counselor shares a few tips here about how to be compatible during retirement, as well as some novel approaches to the entire concept of retirement. If you think the concerns are overblown, check out this in-depth study of the spillover effects on spouses when one retires, both mental and physical.
The Silver Lining
On the flip side there can be positive changes that occur when both partners retire:
- time for each to pursue their individual interests and then share the day’s events over dinner,
- time for unhurried intimacy,
- time to travel to those destinations you have both longed to see.
Talk to your significant other about the changes that may occur in retirement. You don’t have to have a “relationship with your television!”
YOUR TURN
How has retirement for one or both partners affected your relationship? How have you handled the challenges? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Michael Tougias is a NY Times bestselling author of nonfiction books such as A Storm Too Soon, Fatal Forecast and No Will Set You Free.
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Comments
Love your articles. Just asking to please remember that some seniors – who love being part of Senior Orbit – don’t have children.
Some of us freely and happily made that choice many moons ago. Despite that choice, we have been advocates for parents and children alike and have put out money where our mouth is. Thank you.
When my husband was forced out of his job, one year prior to his planned retirement date, it was sudden and unexpected. Working for corporate America for 40 years, climbing his way up the management ladder. Once home full time he acting in a similar and familiar role. I had to tell him for years, I do not work for you, I did not need micromanaging and please stop taking over my household roles. It was rough. Five years later, we have finally found peace and harmony.
My wife retired in May 2018, I retired January 2019. Transition for her was pretty smooth. For me not so much. I had to certainly find activities to keep me busy . I have become a docent for a local Music Instrument Museum, Volunteer with AARP Friendly Voice program, along with being an ambassador for Wish of A Lifetime. I also enjoy playing guitar.During the day my wife enjoys time working on photography and has a separate office / room. We don’t rely on each other to fill each others day.
Very interesting article. How does the retiree improve feeling of worth? Wash their clothes. Make their bed?
As others have mentioned, volunteering and engaging with others can be very fulfilling and give one a sense of accomplishment! But in all seriousness, in my experience there are days when even mundane chore completion can feel like a victory. Yay to clean laundry and a made bed!