The Man Cave on….Separate Beds

Lucy and Ricky did it, but nowadays it’s called “Sleep Divorce,” or “alternative sleeping arrangements.” 

I’ve done it.  Maybe you have too – you and your partner sleep in separate bedrooms. If so, don’t feel like you are a complete outlier. A research study done in 2023 found that one fifth of couple sleep separately, and the majority of those do so every night.   In my case, the move had nothing to do with whether the relationship was thriving or not: it was all about getting a good night’s sleep.

I’m a light sleeper and a poor sleeper.  Movement and sound can wake me in a split second. Snoring is usually the biggest factor. (No one is at fault: not the snorer, nor the light sleeper.)  I found that often – not always—I slept better in a different room than my spouse or girlfriend.  And a well rested Michael is certainly a more upbeat partner than a sleep-deprived grump.

Is it Right for you?

If you are considering sleeping in a separate room – be sure to reassure your partner it is about sleep, and not about them. You certainly don’t want your partner to feel rejected. One way to allay fears is to begin the night cuddling together and letting your partner fall asleep before you move, or in the morning visit their room to begin the day with a kiss, hug or short conversation.

The data is mixed on whether sleeping alone is healthy or not.  One study reports that sleeping with a partner was associated with lower depression compared to sleeping alone.  However, the study doesn’t say if the people sleeping alone are single or in a relationship – it’s possible the people sleeping solitary are lonely without having a partner!

I love this newsroom video because you get to see two different perspectives, with a lots of humor

An Extra Benefit

One could even make the case that separate bedrooms enhance intimacy.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder: a fun appointment for a conjugal visit, or maybe “your place or mine?”  (And guys – do not head to your room immediately after intimacy.  Be sure to stay awhile – the closeness, cuddling, and conversation are important.  Trust me on this!)

For those of us who sleep apart, there will be challenges when traveling when you are sleeping in the same hotel room.  Plan accordingly: silicone earplugs and a white noise background will help.  (Hey,  don’t beat yourself up if you need to sleep alone for whatever reason – many of us haven’t shared a room with another person since we were a kid, or in a college dorm!)

I hate the term often applied to sleeping in separate rooms: “sleep divorce.”  It’s as if society wants to put every form of guilt on people who are only practicing common sense: an effort for a good night sleep.

Reject those pressures, talk to your partner, spend quality time together, and the arrangement can work. This article illustrates that for many couples the two bedroom approach can save the relationship.  Separate rooms does not mean separate lives. Just be honest that there is no underlying issue other than sleep that prompts you to have your own room.

If you love your partner, what better gift is there than finding an arrangement where you both get a good night’s sleep for better health?  It may improve you sex life, as it did mine. I’m not sure about you but sex is the last thing I think about when I feel like a zombie.  Just remember, every relationship is different, there is not one size fits all, and keep an open mind along with an open dialogue.  Together a couple can navigate what works best for them.

YOUR TURN:

Do you sleep in separate beds? Share your experience in the comments!

Fatal Forecast: An Incredible True Story of Courage in a Savage Storm is Michael Tougias’ latest book in series for young adults and middle readers.  Tougias also wrote an adult version of the same incident. www.michaeltougias.com