The Man Cave on… Online Dating

So you tried online dating to find a date for Valentine’s Day….and it…went.

Despite the many options for online dating available, men and women (of any age) find online dating a challenge – more so for older people.  I should know – I signed up for a popular online dating site two years ago. Here’s what I learned – on my own, and from other men and from women.

Guy thing number one:

Punching above your weight class doesn’t work in boxing – or in online dating. If you are in your 60’s, leave the 20- or 30-something gals alone. At best, you’ll come across as some creepy older guy.  At worst, you’ll attract a gold digger looking for a sugar daddy, or a romance scammer. There are plenty of older women who would just love to meet you – and you’ll have a lot more in common.

Guy thing number two:

Don’t play the numbers – put the time in and have a strategy. Just reaching out to everybody/anybody and hoping the law of averages will work in your favor doesn’t even work in casinos.

Spend time on your profile write-up; describe your personality type, your current or prior career, your hobbies (you want something to trigger conversations with interested parties), and any future plans, projects or dreams.

And don’t forget to write about the qualities (and not just physical ones) you are looking for in a partner, and what activities you hope to do together.  Remember –  you are hoping to meet a person, not shopping for a car, so keep the “specs” simple. And unless you only want to date someone with the same political views as yourself—which could rule out half the prospective dates—keep your affiliation private.

Pix: Keep it real and recent

Like it or not, photos are critically important; the viewer that you eventually date is going to meet you in person, so your photos should be recent. Take the time to have a friend shoot a bunch of photos of yourself, and then post the most flattering.

You will want a head shot and a body shot as your core photos.  Then if you want to, add a photo of yourself with your kids or grandkids, or perhaps one of you doing your favorite hobby, to round out your images.

What photos do women respond to?

When I was dating I asked many of the women about what they liked and didn’t like about men’s photos.  They shared some of these observations:

• Guys, your primary shot should be one of just you, and don’t forget to smile.
• If you’re a fisherman (like me), resist the urge to post one of yourself with a fish you caught.
• Keep your shirt on, please.
• If you have a dog or a motorcycle  one picture is fine, but don’t go overboard.  And for heaven’s sake, if you don’t have dog or cat, don’t borrow one for the picture!

“Hey” or “Wassup” is not a response

When you reach out to someone on-line, show that you have actually read their profile and not just glanced at the photos. And a one word message such as “Hey” or a three word line such as “How are you?” is probably not going to work unless you are Brad Pitt.  Make your comments positive, and then add a note about yourself and let the prospect know you would like to hear back from them to chat more.

The Next Steps

Some people exchange several messages, but you may prefer to be fairly direct and suggest a phone call, or if you are both so inclined, set up a time for a video chat. (I found the video chat was incredibly helpful to get the sense of who the other person is and the possibility of that elusive “chemistry.”)

If you get the sense that you are hitting it off with your conversation, there is no harm in saying so and mentioning that you would like to meet in person for a drink, a walk, dinner or whatever ideas the other person has. If a prospect is uncomfortable talking by phone or the video chat, I recommend the first meeting be for a coffee or a quick lunch – casual, inexpensive and public.

This is not a first date, more like a “meet and greet.”  Some women expect to split the bill, others think the person who suggests the meet pays – it’s smart to sort that out beforehand.

Safety Issues

Although you may think it’s being gentlemanly, many women are leery of being picked up at their home. And no matter how well you seem to be hitting it off, guys should not suggest meeting at her place (or yours) until you have both spent some time getting to know each other. Even then, let it be her idea.

And my final words of advice? You can’t go wrong just relaxing and being yourself.  Sometimes the result is romance, sometimes a friendship, and often a quick goodbye because one person or the other isn’t feeling “it.” And when that happens to you, the one word to remember is “next.”

There’s hope!

Two years ago I joined Match.com, set up my profile, and had several dates.  After a year, and after putting the work in (and it did feel like work at times) I finally met someone special.  That was 14 months ago and we have been together ever since.

Your turn

Guys – and gals – what’s your experience been with online dating? Share your tips in the comments!

Michael J. Tougias is a New York Times bestselling author and co-author of 30 books for adults and nine books for middle readers. His latest book is Extreme Survival: Lessons From Those Who Have Triumphed Against All Odds. Tougias speaks to both business groups and at public libraries across the country.  www.michaeltougias.com