The Man Cave on…Maintaining Ties with Others

Sometimes we forget that friendships, like plants, need to be maintained and cultivated.  Sure you can grow flowers in your garden and ignore them, but one day you might walk out and find that a lack of watering and weeding has made the plant wither away.  With friendships, our maintenance is done by staying in touch and scheduling time together.

Pros and cons of social media

When I was in elementary school Sue lived five houses down the road from me and we walked to the bus everyday and even went to the prom in middle school.  I lost touch with her when we went off to college.

Thirty-five years later we had a brief conversation at a class reunion but I didn’t get her contact information.  Then we connected via Facebook, and I learned that she and her husband were renting a home in a part of Florida where I winter.  The three of us had a great dinner, and I realized not only was my friendship with Sue comfortable, but her husband and I had some similar interests.   Since that time we get together whenever I’m speaking near their home in Connecticut and they have stayed in the guest room at my Florida villa.

On the flip side, some other people have reached out to me via social media who I barely knew in the past and have no desire to start a new friendship because my “friendship plate” is almost full.  While it may feel a bit uncomfortable not reciprocating their overtures, it’s the right decision for me and I let them know I’m quite busy.

Are You Doing The Heavy Lifting?

Do you ever feel that you are the one doing 90% of the reaching out and keeping a relationship going?  I certainly have.  I’ve learned one method to prompt the other person to be a bit more proactive.  I call up and say, “Hello, I was wondering if everything is ok because I haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

Sometimes this results in that person making the next call or pitching the next idea for getting together.  Other times the person doesn’t pick up on the hint. Then the decision is up to me: do I value this particular relationship enough that I’ll be the one putting in most of the effort to sustain it?

Sometimes my answer is a qualified yes.  For example: say the friend or family member is one of the few people you know to participate in an activity that brings you joy.  In that case I only reach out to them to schedule the joint activity.

Or perhaps this particular person makes you laugh like no one else can.  To me it’s worth doing the heavy lifting to keep in touch both in person and otherwise.  People who crack me up are worth the effort because of the benefit I receive from the relationship.

Rarely are calls or texts or emails 50-50, but if you are the one making the vast majority of communication efforts and it bothers you, consider that perhaps you are just not that important to the other person.  If in doubt, point out that you seem to be the one initiating most of conversations, and see what they say.

What’s Worked for Me

For those friends who are loyal, trusted, fun, and not domineering, I’ll often initiate “outings.”  I have four buddies who have gone with me to my cabin in Vermont for an annual trip almost every year since I bought the place in 1978! It’s our way of insuring the friendships don’t wane.   With other friends we usually have a common interest, fishing or hiking, and I’ll schedule those types of outings.  And if an outing isn’t convenient I’ll suggest we meet at a restaurant.

Want to stay in touch? Try this tips

• Ask how your friend likes to communicate. I have one friend who, if we are not together, prefers texts and doesn’t like to talk on the phone.  Another prefers to FaceTime or video call, while a third friend prefers group chats.  (Group texts have the advantage of keeping several friends in touch at once.)

Want to learn about group chats?  Check out this article. 

• A monologue is not a conversation. Make sure when you do reach out that you aren’t doing a brain dump.  And while asking questions of your friend is important, it does little good if you are not seriously listening.
• Is your spouse the social director? If your partner initiates all the social activities in your life, change that dynamic.  It could be you are visiting all your spouse’s friends and not your own.
• Speak up if a friendship is problematic. For example, if an acquaintance is always calling at a bad time (ie dinner, nap, too late in the evening) give them other options.  If a friend keeps you on the phone too long, preface the next phone call with a “I have to wrap up the call in xx minutes.”  And if a friend expects you to text back immediately or with long responses, explain that simply doesn’t work for you.   Should those texts persist too often just answer with a thumbs up or smile emoji.

Want to learn how to stay in touch digitally?  Check out Senior Planet’s on-demand tutorials for WhatsApp, Zoom and other digital tools here.  

Whatever medium or message channel you choose, remember that relationships are not ‘set it and forget it” – you have to put in the time. The holiday season is a perfect time to start putting more energy into your relationships.  You’ll be glad you did.

YOUR TURN

How to you keep in touch with friends, family and acquaintances?  Is it phone, Facebook, email, Zoom, Facetime or others? What works – and what doesn’t? Share your tips in the comments!

 

Michael J. Tougias is a New York Times bestselling author and co-author of 30 books for adults and nine books for middle readers (ages 8-14). His latest book is Extreme Survival: Lessons From Those Who Have Triumphed Against All Odds. Tougias speaks to both business groups and at public libraries across the country.; his website is www.michaeltougias.com