The Man Cave on…Caregiving

This Thanksgiving, let’s thank heaven for caregivers.  They often work in anonymity and sometimes put the recipient’s well-being ahead of their own.

This might be a mistake.  A caregiver is like a mother bird that is raising their young – the mother bird has to be strong and efficient for the baby birds to flourish. Research shows the value of taking time to care for yourself as well as your loved one.

Caregiver Burnout

Although caregivers are predominantly female, current statistics indicate that gap is narrowing. Men are stepping up more – my own dad stepped up to care for my sister after a catastrophic car accident.  He and my mother provided round the clock care for my sister at our home.  When my mother passed away, my father continued on his own until his heart surgery forced us to place my sister in a nursing home. Watching him, I began to understand how challenging this ongoing act of love and compassion could be – lasting many years, often without a break. The truth is, sadly, no matter what gender, men and women face the same challenge: burnout.

Caregiver burnout is a real issue – more than 60 percent of caregivers show the signs. Depression, withdrawal from others, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and other symptoms mean caregivers must know their limits and know when to reach out for guidance. This link includes both videos and articles on resources and strategies for caregivers; AARP has a comprehensive guide for experienced and newbie caregivers as well.

Other options to relieve caregiver burnout include hiring a geriatric care manager or an accredited elder care lawyer to help with financial and legal matters. Contact your local senior center or Department of the Aging to learn about adult day care programs and transportation.

Support Your Local Caregiver

Although there is a bigger effort to provide respite care for caregivers, sometimes the timing, or availability may not be possible or convenient.

If you are not a caregiver, but rather a friend or neighbor, ask the caregiver if there is anything you can do to help.  Caregivers not only need empathy, but sometimes an extra pair of hands, help with an errand, a home cooked meal, or offer to accompany the caregiver and assist for the day. If that is not possible be creative: perhaps a gift certificate for a cleaning service, a massage, a meal delivery, or restaurant certificate for both the caregiver and the person needing care.

(And if you are the one receiving care, don’t take the caregiver for granted! Say thank you and every now and then mention how your life is made a bit brighter by the efforts of another.)

A sense of Purpose

We all know caregiving is demanding, but there is also deep satisfaction that can come from helping another, a sense of purpose.  That is what being a caregiver can bring, and few endeavors are as important as improving the day to day life of another.

I have a relative who has mobility issues and is mostly homebound, with barely enough assets to keep up with the mortgage.  This individual lives two hours away, so I usually visit every two weeks.  I do all kind of chores – mowing the lawn, helping with shopping or with exercise or errands.

During my early visits I’d make suggestions that might improve my relative’s situation. It didn’t take long, though, for me to learn a vital – and often under-realized – aspect of caregiving.

The Hidden Caregiving Role

As a caregiver, I learned there  was something far more important than trying to be a problem-solver – that was being a listener.  People in need are often isolated, and simply being a sounding board was what this person seemed to want the most.

At each visit, besides helping with chores, I spent time with my relative.  Sometimes I would help him into my car and we would go for a ride in the countryside. Other times we would sit on his deck and birdwatch and talk.  Just being there and listening was as valuable as a mowed lawn.  After our chats, I left my relative with a lifted mood – for both of us!

YOUR TURN

Are you a caregiver?  Share your tips and experiences in the comments!

Michael Tougias is NY Times Bestselling author of over forty books for adults and young adults.  His book The Waters Between Us chronicles his misadventures growing up in the 1960’s and 70’s, but also how his father took care of his disabled sister for forty years and did it with a smile and grace. www.michaeltougias.com.