Late Life Romance: New Strategies for Satisfying Sex
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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
I’m 61 and recently started dating a wonderful man of 67. We are like teenagers in love. Our physical and emotional chemistry is off the charts. He is the most tender, giving, attentive lover I have ever had. I am absolutely crazy about this man, and we spend hours in bed pleasuring each other. However, despite being completely turned on, I almost never reach orgasm.
The few times that I’ve been able to have orgasms with my amazing man through manual stimulation, they’ve been quite weak, not the intensity I remember from the good old days. He has erection issues and has just started using Cialis, which should be fabulous once we get the dosage right. I think I’ll have the best chance of stronger and more frequent orgasms when he is able to hold his erection and penetrate me when I am on top, which is the way I most often orgasmed in my younger years. He reaches his orgasm when we masturbate him together, but he can’t hold his erection long enough to orgasm inside me.
Before I met my lover, I was married for 25 years; I was widowed two years ago. My sexual relationship with my spouse had been seriously lacking for a long time, and I went years without orgasms. I have never masturbated or used a vibrator. I have watched my lover masturbate and he wants to watch me, but I really don’t know what to do or how to do it.
My man is completely devoted to pleasuring me. He stimulates me both manually and orally and will continue for as long as necessary in an attempt to satisfy me. Even without orgasm I am pleasured beyond my wildest dreams. We have an incredible emotional connection which heightens our physical connection.
I feel that my problem is physical, not a result of anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and without inhibitions. I want to explore and play and experiment sexually with my lover in every way. We have bought a number of sex toys such as penis rings which help him keep his erection, a fun feather tickler, and silk wrist restraints. We are able to communicate effortlessly about what works and doesn’t work.
Physically, we are absolutely on fire with one another. Neither of us ever imagined this level of arousal, desire, and crazy chemistry at our ages. So how can I be more orgasmic? We are both completely open to any suggestions you might have. Ah, the adventures of mature love! —Orgasmless
I love these stories of later life romance — you’re so lucky to have found each other! It’s wonderful that you’re so connected, turned on by each other and willing to please each other. Your attitude is terrific — you enjoy the sexual interaction whether or not it leads to orgasm, and you’re eager to explore.
I’d like to suggest one adjustment in the way you’re looking at this, though: Let go of the expectation that to achieve your goal, you need to have sex in this one position that used to work for you. You said yourself that you hadn’t had satisfying sex in many years. Our responses change as we age, and just because that position worked for you years ago doesn’t mean that it would do the trick now. Since your partner can’t achieve that position with you anyway, I think that letting go of woman-on-top as the Gold Standard would serve you well.
Instead, you know that I’m going to recommend trying vibrators – I always recommend trying vibrators! You list some sex toys and accessories that you include in your sex play, but you haven’t tried the one type whose sole function is to stimulate you to orgasm: a well-chosen vibrator. Having your partner use the vibrator with you, maybe using his fingers at the same time, may be what your body needs to get over the hump (so to speak) toward more and better orgasms. Read my “Senior’s Guide to Vibrators” on Senior Planet for information, and also check out the many vibrator reviews on my blog.
Masturbation is the way to learn your best route to orgasm. The more you pleasure yourself, the more easily aroused you will become – on your own or with a partner – especially as you age. Most women do not reach orgasm through intercourse alone, because they need direct clitoral stimulation. Self-pleasuring will help you learn ways to stimulate your clitoris before, during and after partner intercourse by adding a vibrator, your partner’s fingers, or your own.
Many (though not all) women like the feeling of vaginal penetration along with clitoral stimulation – it sounds like this is true for you, since your favorite position includes both – so try masturbation with both internal and external stimulation from fingers and/or vibrator(s). Work on your Kegel exercises, too – stronger pelvic floor muscles give you more intense orgasms.
One more thing you should consider: Your infrequent and weak orgasms might have a medical cause — lowered estrogen or testosterone, a medication you’re taking, or another medical condition that might be interfering. Get your doctor involved.
Here are some additional resources:
- “Weak or Absent Orgasm” from MiddlesexMD: https://cms.seniorplanet.org//middlesexmd.com/pages/weak-or-absent-orgasm
- “Still Juicy: Maintaining Sexual Health through and beyond Menopause” from A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center: https://sexualityresources.com/ask-dr-myrtle/sexual-health-events-3-menopause-womens-urologic-issues/still-juicy-maintaining-sexual
- “Better Orgasms: 5 tips every woman should know” by Dr. Pepper Schwartz from Vibrant Nation: https://cms.seniorplanet.org//www.vibrantnation.com/groups/love-sex/blog/more-and-better-orgasms-after-50-5-tips-for-great-sex-after-menopause/
I hope you enjoy this delightful journey toward self-discovery and more/better orgasms! —Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
- Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
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Comments
Here’s an update on my original posting from from 11/10/15.
Well we just celebrated 1 year and 3 months together and I can confidently say ours is the most satisfying, loving and intimate relationship I have ever been in. Our compatibility in every way is extraordinary. We are having so much fun together and still marvel at the fact that we actually met on line. We behave like teenagers most of the time and are enjoying the freedom and lack of youthful insecurity that our “mature” stage in life affords us. We are both so happy. Two lives completely and utterly changed forever. We continue to learn about each others bodies and our physical relationship is so enhanced by the deep emotional bond we have formed. Life is good…so very, very, good! (and you helped!)
PS: We just moved in together at ages 62 and 68!
A good vibrator is a wise investment. Joan has recommended the best in her blog. I often follow her lead and recommend the Palm Power plug-in. (The battery operated version is great but not as strong.)
Most women get the best pleasure (and orgasm) from direct stimulation of the clitoris. This is not the only option, but it is the most common. Focus on the destination (orgasm) may keep you from enjoying the ride to get there. Focus, instead on all the good feelings and sensations. If you are on a train and focused on getting to Denver, you will miss all the beauty of the rivers, streams, mountains along the way.
Therapists often prescribe Sensate Focus exercises. These “prevent” you from trying to have an orgasm and direct you to exploring all the ways your body reacts to your lover’s touch. When I prescribe this, people often come back after a week and sheepishly admit that even though they were not supposed to have an orgasm or penetration, by the end of the week, “It just happened and we couldn’t stop it.” (You can search the Internet for directions for Sensate Focus.)
THIS is a very good guide … perhaps, the forgotten pleasures may once again be at your reach… and so on…with best wishes…
Excellent response. I’m glad you included both the vibrators and self-masturbation.
Another option is to start with the first steps of Sensate Focus. Simply explore each other’s bodies to find what feels best and identify the locations for erotic touch; but do so without any expectation of climax or either person. A week of this can lead to a better appreciation of your partner and his and her body. Of course direct clitoral stimulation is usually the centerpiece for most women, but women are different and helping a man discover your body’s amazing sexuality in all its locations. This could even be a place for an anatomy lesson for both people.
This can also overcome one of the most common sexual problems: Lack of knowledge. People at our age (And it hasn’t entirely changed.) often had little to no sex education, and even what they had was often wrong. Many or most men come to the bed knowing almost nothing about a woman’s sexuality; usually even very little about her sexual anatomy. The reverse is also true. Women often know little about their own sexual anatomy.
I found myself having to draw a female sexual anatomy sketch for a client recently. He was in his mid-70s, and had been married for years before losing his wife to cancer. Now, years later, he has found someone, but still doesn’t know what is between those lips.