Ask Joan: Can’t Climax

Joan counsels a woman used to ‘edging” about an ongoing issue with orgasms with her new partner. 

I am 74, widowed for eight years. I recently got intimate with a new man. We have a powerful connection in all ways, including sexually. But I can’t reach orgasm with him, no matter what he does. I get close, then it goes away. We’ve only been sexual about six times, so I know it’s very early. He’s very patient, no pressure at all.

I do have orgasms regularly with myself, probably three or four times a week. What I need for release is very particular at this age — mostly “edging”: stimulating myself to a high point of arousal, then stopping for just a few seconds before resuming. That leads to orgasm.

My new man is a wonderful lover, but he tends to go after the genitals too soon. I could tell him not to do that, but I don’t give feedback easily. I’ve had sex my whole adult life, but I’ve never been comfortable giving instructions, talking during sex, or asking for what I need. Somehow that ruins the mood. I’m shy and inhibited that way. Maybe I need to try and push through my discomfort. I know he’d welcome it, but it feels so technical to me. Maybe do it when we’re not in bed?

Intercourse or other vaginal stimulation has always been a kind of foreplay for me. I’ve not had orgasm with intercourse since my twenties. It takes me longer even by myself than it used to, but the orgasms are also more powerful than ever. I wonder how my lover can ever do what I do for myself, which is so specific.

I tell myself I’m too focused on orgasms — I mean, how many does a woman need in her lifetime? But sex is frustrating because we have great chemistry and I get very aroused but can’t get relief except by taking care of myself privately. Sometimes I’m so “backed up” after we’ve been together that I masturbate several times to get relief.

It can be frustrating and uncomfortable to get all riled up and not have a release. Will I ever be able to let go with a partner? Am I too old to change?

– No Orgasm with New Partner

Joan responds:

You say you can’t “reach orgasm with him, no matter what he does” — but you’ve never told him what you’d like him to do. He’s trying, but he can’t read your mind. You’d do him a favor by being clear about what you do and don’t want during sex.

I understand that you’re shy about asking for what you want, especially in the moment. I’m a few years older than you (80!), and I had to learn to overcome that, too. Our inadequate, often damaging sex education never taught about the woman’s sexual pleasure, nor how to communicate our needs.

A former lover told me, “I love it when you give me directions. I really want to please you, and this way I know I’m doing what you want.” That brought it home that whatever shyness I felt (and yes, I did at that time) was worth overcoming for both of our sakes.

Sharing your concerns

It’s never too late to learn these skills, and I guarantee that learning to use your words will enhance both your enjoyment and his. He genuinely wants to satisfy you, and it’s a gift to help him know what you need.

It’s good that you’re asking these questions early in your relationship. Your lover is very open to learning what you need. If you never tell him what that is, he’ll keep trying things that don’t work. This is frustrating for both of you.

Yes, have these conversations out of bed. Choose a time that both of you can be relaxed and receptive. Start with something like, “I’d like to talk about our sexual connection. You excite me greatly and you are very patient. I’d like you to know some things about what gets me to orgasm, and some things that hold me back. I’m shy about telling you, so be kind.” If you think you’ll freeze up trying to express yourself, write notes for yourself. You explained it very well here, so you might just read him what you wrote to me.

Besides being informative, this conversation can be extremely erotic. You may start the discussion at the kitchen table and end up in the bedroom, trying out what you each just learned!

Realize that an aging man has obstacles, too. He may have special things that he wishes you would do for him. Tell him, “I’d like to learn how to give you the most pleasure, too. Besides what we’re already doing, what can I do that you’d really like?”

I hope you’ll gradually feel more comfortable communicating during sex, too. Rather than “technical,” this is sexy talk! Offer to show him what works for you. Either guide his hand and “edge” the way you need it or let him watch you do it. I know this may seem scary when you feel inhibited, but I’ll bet he’ll find it not only instructive, but super sexy!

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.