Ask Joan: Missing What We Had
Joan counsels a reader about alternatives to maintain his loving connection with his spouse, despite physical limitations.
My wife (71) and I (60) started our romance and sex life with a bang. She was 40 when we met, lonely and aching to be with a man. I was 29, horny and lonely as well. Our sexual activity was some foreplay and then intercourse. No oral. We were both happy this way for a long time.
Then health changes began to overtake her. Intercourse became painful even with sufficient lubrication. I was horrified to learn that my sexual thrusting was causing her painful, burning sensations. In my book, it’s never acceptable to cause her even the slightest amount of physical discomfort from our sexual activity. She either receives physical and emotional pleasure or we don’t do it.
I wanted to find other ways to experience sexual intimacy. I educated myself about how to make cunnilingus most pleasurable for her, and it has become the centerpiece of our lovemaking.
This focus on cunnilingus has been good for both of us. Lots of words, kissing, and caressing, followed by cunnilingus, get her to orgasm 100 percent of the time, and I really enjoy the intimacy of slowly arousing her. This amps up my own sexual desire as well.
My wife has a bad gag reflex and can’t perform fellatio on me. She stimulates me with her hand. She would like to bring me to climax this way, but she can’t do it long enough to get me there. Her arm and hand fatigue due to her carpal tunnel syndrome. She has to stop, then I finish stimulating myself to climax. I’m very grateful for what we share. It is loving and connected lovemaking.
I have considered the use of male vibratory sleeve sex aids for myself but haven’t figured out if my wife would find it a distraction to her enjoyment of our lovemaking.
Here’s my only regret and I don’t know how to overcome it: Even though I love cunnilingus with an ever-increasing passion, I still miss intercourse a lot. When there were no pain issues, we enjoyed it together equally. Now, it’s off the menu for perhaps the rest of our marriage and our lives. Given her age and physical condition, I’m absolutely not blaming her for this change, please understand.
But I’m badly missing mutually pleasurable sexual intercourse, and I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I feel guilty for even having these feelings. Do I just need a reality check?
– Missing What We Had
Joan Responds
I appreciate your sensitivity to your wife’s issues and your obvious love for her. I commend you for being proactive about finding other ways to give and receive sexual pleasure without intercourse. You’re clearly a wonderful partner to your wife — accepting her limitations without blame, concentrating on how you can give her pleasure and making accommodations for your own.
Yes, a vibrator would make it easier for you to reach climax, and I’m not sure you understand the different kinds available. You mention the sleeve type, which is typically used for solo male masturbation. But there are other types that your wife can use on you while she’s arousing you. These don’t cover the penis. Your wife can start with her hand and good lubricant, then add the vibrator to get you to the finish. She’s still pleasuring you with her touch, while also rubbing the vibrator on your most sensitive parts. Rather than detracting from your intimacy, this can enhance the experience for both of you.
A well-chosen vibrator delivers strong, reliable sensation to bring you to orgasm much more quickly than a partner’s hand alone. Result: faster orgasm for you, less aggravation of your wife’s carpal tunnel because she doesn’t have to keep going as long. Here are some sex toys that work well for hand-plus-vibrator play (links go to reviews on my blog):
- Fun Factory Volta: stroke the shaft or stimulate the frenulum (sensitive area on the underside of the penis, right below the head) between the “flippers.” The ergonomic handle is kind to wrists.
- We-Vibe Tango: a tiny vibrator with surprising intensity, can be cupped in the hand while running it up and down the penis, finally focusing on the frenulum.
- Fun Factory Manta: designed to grip the penis for both stroking and giving intense sensation to the frenulum, with ergonomic handle.
Now for your big question. Your feeling of loss comes through in a tender, loving way. You are not wrong or a bad husband if you grieve the loss of sexual intercourse. You expressed your love and intimacy that way for decades. You’ve suffered a great loss by needing to let that go. You’ve done so with compassion, embracing a new way of being sexual with your wife — but it’s still a loss. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. If you feel you need help because they invade your mind too often or too strongly, please seek help from a sex-positive therapist.
You are lucky enough to still have each other. Yes, mourn what you can’t do, treasure what you can do, and never stop inventing new paths to pleasure.
How about You?
Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!
- You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
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- Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
- This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
- If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
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Comments
I can relate to ‘Missing’ , my wife went thru menopause at 41 and switch went off. Unlike Missing’s wife she had no interest in anything oral and like him, intercourse was so painful we haven’t tried since Obama’s 1st term. She is 69 and I just turned 70. We never talk about we are missing, sad memories are all we have of our non existent sex life. I live full of regret every day.
Joan, I’m disappointed that you didn’t advise finding a knowledgeable medical person, nor did you mention bio-identical hormone treatment. I’m 80 years old and have been on BHRT since I was 50. I also have/had carpal tunnel, which I had surgically fixed on one hand and just manage the left with a brace. My husband and I have lots of sex and have since we married 30 years ago. There isn’t anything we won’t do, learn, or investigate to make sure that we can have full sexual pleasure.
Dear Joan (poster not moderator Joan Price). Thank you so much for you input: My wife, being so naturally oriented, declined to use Bio Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy due to the possible risk of breast cancer and endometrial cancer. She did try some natural hormone therapy but with no change in her condition. As to the carpal tunnel syndrome in her wrists, she is very much “anti-surgery” unless it is a life-threatening situation.
I know Ed has said they’ve seen an obgyn and have tried lubricants and hormones. I’m wondering if your wife has tried a vaginal moisturizer that contains hyaluronic acid or an estrogen cream. A vaginal moisturizer is not a lubricant and works at restoring natural moisture to the cells of the vulva and vagina. It was a game changer for my painful vaginal issues. I hope this helps.
Janine, to the best of my knowledge, my wife never tried a vaginal moisturizer with hyaluronic acid or estrogen cream. She is very naturally and naturopathically oriented and once she did try a vaginal moisturizer called Julva (a formulation by Dr. Anna Cabeca). However, it didn’t change anything for her condition. If you have some product recommendations, I’d be delighted to hear about them. Thanks!
No mention was made of your wife’s specific issues, or how the two of you have addressed them. Suggest a thorough evaluation by a gynecologist who’s knowledgeable, empathetic, a good listener. (Add: not dismissive, not in a big hurry). There may well be options you have yet to explore. Best wishes!
Thanks for your question Rebecca. I’m the poster for “Missing”: My wife developed low thyroid disease at age 41 and was the very first factor in the decline of her vaginal tone. Then at age 43, she had our son and transitioned into early menopause. Her sex drive didn’t diminish but PIV got progressively more difficult. We tried working with an OBGYN, various lubricants and hormones but nothing worked. And the various vag rejuvenation therapies were too expensive and/or invasive for her.
Rebecca, you’re absolutely right about the need to find the right medical provider. “Missing What We Had” detailed his wife’s medical issues, which I omitted for space (I have a limited word count) and their privacy. In every column, my focus is on the question asked – in this case, how to resolve his feelings of guilt and loss. I’ve answered many questions about diagnosing/treating vaginal pain in many past columns. Find them at https://cms.seniorplanet.org/?s=painful+sex .
I have the same loss with my primary partner of 28 years. When we’ve talked about it, she’s said something like “It’s a good thing your other partners can have intercourse with you.” “That’s true”, I said, “but intercourse with another isn’t a substitute for it with you. ” Fortunately we’ve always had mind-blowing sexual energy exchange, and each kiss is as good as the first, so the loss is in the context of great wealth.