Ask Joan: Aged Out of Sex?

Joan counsels a man struggling with age-related intimacy issues with his wife. 

Aging changed us sexually, and I don’t know what to do. I’m male, age 75, married for 23 years to a woman I love dearly. It was a second marriage for both of us. We were over 50 and felt our relationship mistakes were in the past and we were ready for real love. We were crazy about each other. Sex happened spontaneously and regularly — we couldn’t get enough of each other! We loved foreplay, and with the help of good lube, intercourse rocked our world.

Why the Change?

Fast forward to today, and I don’t know what happened to us sexually. We cuddle and kiss, but sex happens rarely. She’s seldom in the mood and even when she is, she turns me down for intercourse more than she says yes. She still enjoys foreplay and has orgasms that way. She’ll give me oral, but I want real sex. I can’t always stay hard, but that’s no reason not to try, is it?

When we do try to have intercourse, our favorite positions don’t work anymore. Her knees hurt if she gets on top or doggy style. By the time we figure out a comfortable position, I’ve wilted.

Maybe she doesn’t desire me if I can’t get hard, or she isn’t attracted to me anymore. I admit I get irritated when she turns me down. But how can I fix a problem when I don’t know what it is? I ask her, and she just says that her body doesn’t feel the same way it used to, and she’d like me to stop pestering her.

Out of the bedroom, we’re a devoted couple. Are we doomed to fall deeper and deeper into a sexless marriage?

– Aged Out?

Joan responds:

I turned 81 this month. I’ve been thinking about aging a lot in my personal life as well as my work. I understand your distress when body parts don’t do what you need.

When you married, you were having great sex partly because of your newness to each other. New relationship energy (NRE) is a powerful force. You were in love and your bodies exploded with sensations. Once the newness wore off and you were sharing daily lives, things calmed down. That’s normal. Combine that with the physical changes that come with aging, and sex can need negotiation and communication.

I can’t know why your wife retreated from sex, but you’ve given me clues. She has orgasms with what you call foreplay, but intercourse may no longer be her sex act of choice. I suggest you stop thinking of intercourse as “real” sex and everything else as “foreplay.” Oral, manual, sex toy play — these are all “real” sex, ends in themselves.

Maybe your wife avoids intercourse because it hurts or doesn’t provide pleasure, or she wants to avoid your erection anxiety. When she asks you to stop pestering her, does she mean for intercourse or for any kind of sexual expression? Maybe she doesn’t like the way sex happens between you, but she would like sex that happens differently. Given your body changes, what would good sex be for the two of you? That’s the necessary conversation, perhaps with the help of a sex therapist.

I suggest taking intercourse off the menu for a time and exploring other ways you can arouse and satisfy each other. Ask each other, “How would you like me to pleasure you today?”

Take turns! Give all your attention to your wife, encouraging her to give you feedback about what feels good. After satisfying her, relax into having her full attention on you, pleasuring you with hands, mouth, a favorite sex toy. By taking turns instead of trying to please both of you with one activity, you each get what you need.

Readers share

“How has aging changed sex for you, how have you coped, and what advice would you give others?” I asked readers of my Naked at Our Age by Joan Price Facebook page. Here are a few responses:

• “At 84 and 85, married 64 years, we accept that although our desire remains constant, our ability has declined. Scheduling a weekly date may not be spontaneous, but the anticipation more than makes up for that. Slow down and enjoy the feelings and pleasures of being lovers. Taste, talk and touch. Savor the joys of aging together.”
• “I am 62 in a 32-year relationship. We have learned new skills and methods since 50. We have an ever and ever developing sex and love relationship. So good!”
• “At 74, we mostly enjoy nice, naked cuddling and kissing, and occasionally it becomes more than that. We let it go where it will without any pressure or goals.”
• “I’ve learned the joys of slow, non-penetrative sex and the importance of happy, open communication with a partner. Laughter is an integral part of sex. I’ve discovered the pleasures of sex toys, solo and partnered.”

Resources:

•  What Matters and What Doesn’t As We Age: Reflections on Turning 81
• When Sexual Desire Changes – and What to do About It
•  A Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse

YOUR TURN

Readers: How do you cope with the sexual challenges of aging? Please comment!

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

 

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.

 

Photo: FG Trade via Getty Images