I Caught My Husband Watching Porn. Do We Have a Problem?
Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Yesterday I went to my husband’s office. His office door was closed. I knocked and opened the door to see his computer screen go from porn to blank. I startled him and he stood up. His pants were unzipped. He told me he was ashamed that I caught him jacking off to porn alone in his office.
I was shocked, because I give him what he wants and needs at home. Our sex life is great. I guess I thought what we were doing was enough for him. We have been trying new things recently, and I thought he was happy and satisfied, as I was.
I didn’t like the way it made me feel, like I wasn’t enough for him. He told me it had been a stressful day and he needed a release – it had nothing to do with me. He asked me if I masturbated and I told him I did, and he said, “Well, me too, that’s all it was for me.” He told me it would make him happy to walk in on me doing the same, pleasuring myself.
He insists that it wasn’t about me at all and he’s very happy with our sex life and love life, but I would like it if I was enough, if I satisfied all his needs. Any woman wants that.
Do we have a problem? —Shocked By Hubby’s Porn
You’ve said that your sexual relationship is great and more satisfying than ever. That’s the important part here. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship, your sex life, your love connection, or your husband’s passion for you. He’s not comparing you with the idealized women he sees in porn, and he doesn’t watch porn to the exclusion of sex with you.
Porn is a visual stimulation for him, which most men need and enjoy. Men of our age, especially, need more stimulation to reach or sustain an erection. It doesn’t make him less passionate about you or less available to you. If your husband uses porn to stimulate himself and then brings that stimulation to you when you have sex together, I think you both benefit.
It’s true that watching pornography can be a problem when someone overuses it to the exclusion of a healthy relationship with a partner; or thinks that the kind of sex portrayed in porn is the way sex is supposed to work; or uses it to avoid dealing with relationship problems, depression or anger.
But the way that most men use porn is not a problem. It’s a stimulus and a release, and also a way to experience many partners in fantasy without actually touching anyone else. It’s not cheating or a betrayal. It does not mean that your partner really wants to be with someone else – it’s just a fantasy in visual form.
Men are often more visually oriented than women (though many women also enjoy porn). And as your husband explained, watching porn and masturbating let him release the stress of the day and harmlessly indulge a fantasy for a few minutes. That’s all!
Here’s what some men who follow my Naked at Our Age Facebook page have told me:
- Porn has nothing to do with my relationship with my mate. It has to do with my relationship with myself – having sex with myself, releasing my sperm, retreating into my fantasy world. I would love to share my porn with my mate, but nope. I would love to self-pleasure with my mate, but nope. I have to hide my porn, as I did as a boy.
- My wife and I, married 37 years, like to watch it together.
- I am 62, married to the same woman for 34 years. I sometimes watch porn and masturbate to it – always secretly. My wife would freak out if she caught me. I do it mostly to feel like a young man again, I like the feeling of overpowering lust. I just do not feel that way spontaneously any more like when I was young. It has nothing to do with her – although she would never believe that.
- I don’t have a problem getting an erection, but I do have trouble sometimes reaching orgasm, I can’t get there no matter how hard we try. Watching porn (secretly) beforehand helps a lot. I am envious of couples who can be comfortable watching it together.
- My partner does not like me looking at porn. She calls it my “dirty little secret.” Regardless, I enjoy porn. I could say it’s appreciation of beauty, being visually oriented, a safe sexual outlet, etc., but honestly, the main reason is that I get a charge out of it. These days I seek out a specific kind of porn – mostly older women who appear to be reveling in sexual expression and enjoyment. Sexual enthusiasm and overt passion have always been a major turn-on for me. I rarely masturbate to porn anymore. I’m happy with the visual stimulation on its own.
- At my age, 66, I realize that my prostate health depends on regular ejaculation. If I don’t ejaculate regularly I have problems with my prostate, urinating in an attenuated trickle. My wife and I usually manage to have sex together about once a week. At other times, I’ll watch some porn and masturbate. My wife knows and doesn’t mind in the least because it keeps me primed and ready for her when she wants to have sex. She will often smile and remind me to “take care of business” as she’s leaving for work.
I hope hearing these mens’ viewpoints will help you put this in perspecitve. You have a happy, satisfying, loving relationship – enjoy it.—Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex At Our Age.
Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and of “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age.”
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Comments
I’m 75, been married for 53 years. My wife and I have sex once a week. I watch porn several times a week. For me, it’s helped me be able to maintain an erection (along with a pill) for 2 to 3 hours. I assure you my wife and I collapse in exhaustion afterwards. Porn has helped me to edge so I can last longer with my wife. I have learned more positions through porn and it has helped our experience. We do look forward to our weekly encounter and for me it has revolutionized our sex life.
Well I have asked my husband of 30 years why he still watch porn, he denied it then I asked what do you want to do within reason to enhance what we already have sexually, he says everything thing is fine. He doesn’t know I know he masterbates to porn frequent I’ve seen him do it; it seems like he been doing it for years; I ‘ve been in the dark. He mentioned being insecure but I cannot help ‘em if he doesn’t see the porn addiction has caused marital communicate and connection problems
This is the stupidest article I have read about this topic, written by some “Smart Guy” who has zero inclination to validate how the woman effected feels, and goes further to chastise the women who have experienced it themselves, and how it destructively affects their relationship.
Unless you senior men want to die alone with an iPad in one hand and your dick in the other, lose the death grip, get your testosterone checked, and figure out to be 100% present in your real life relationship.
I don’t care if he watches porn at this age (him 65 and me 63). I hv had my suspicion but never bothered to find out for certain until last night and I think it has been going on for months if not years. I did not let him know that I now know. I think it has become an addiction. He’s always in his bedroom saying he’s tired and wants to sleep. I will only take it seriously once it starts to get out of hand and affect our daily lives and when he continue to neglect the house in favour of porn.
I agree and my husband is addicted to jerking off while on the PC either Hod knows who & I wonder if he takes it to the next level of meeting up❤️
As a man, after reading the responses from these women, it was all about them and how they felt. Not once did I see them say “I would like to find out why my husband is looking at porn”. Maybe asking your husband if there was anything lacking and not making them feel ashamed. Being sincere and honest to finding out.
so set the women up to feel shame when he answers what might be lacking: “well honey, we’re just lacking the firmness, the perkiness or the talent those women have.” At least he won’t say,”What women? I’m in it for the storyline.” He did say, “I dont need porn – it’s all about you.” And then I notice his favorite “under 20 blonde” is on auto loop screaming, “Do me do me do me.”
Yeah. I’m a brunette.