How an Older Woman Can Reach Orgasm Faster
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Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
A reader writes:
My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can’t “bring it home” in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!
For a while, we thought our sex life was going to be ruined by my husband’s ED, and we went through a long dry spell. None of the pills ever worked for him. That’s when I learned to masturbate. (I never did before because I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and he was my only partner.) Then I used the Internet to learn everything I could about ED and was amazed to find out that a man can orgasm without an erection. As far as I’m concerned, that alone made the Internet worth its weight in gold.
We started experimenting and rediscovered our former sex life, with some adjustments. We are very joyful with each other. We use our hands, mouths, kissing, touching. It’s like your basic teenagers in a car without birth control! It just takes me so long….
My husband is wonderful and he always says he doesn’t mind how long it takes me, but I mind. I feel terrible for what I put him through! He wants to get me there and will keep trying for as long as I want to.
We recently discovered a new approach: we enjoy each other sexually without orgasm being the goal. That takes the pressure off. We do everything we enjoy, and if someone has an orgasm that’s fine, but sometimes neither of us does. It still brings us very close to each other and makes us happy.
But when I do want an orgasm, is there anything I can do to speed things up? I tried using a vibrator, but I just didn’t like it, even when my husband tried to use it with me. —Taking Too Long
Joan Responds:
Good for the two of you for having great sex despite your husband’s erectile dysfunction. So many men and their partners have the mistaken idea that if the penis can’t get hard, sex is over. Far from it! If we stop believing that only a firm penis can give pleasure we open to a whole world of sexy delights. We can be sexually stimulated and brought to orgasm by hands, mouths, genitals rubbing, a vibrator, or a combination of any or all of these. And as you’ve discovered, he doesn’t need an erection to orgasm. A soft penis and its owner are capable of experiencing great pleasure with sensation provided by a partner and/or self-stimulation.
As for your question — ah, how many people in our age group would love to receive sexual pleasure for a whole hour from their partner! Of course, I understand why you feel anxious and can’t believe that your husband is happy focusing on your pleasure for that long. You’re anxious that he’s getting tired or losing interest — and your anxiety slows you down more. It’s a form of performance anxiety.
I went through this myself with my husband Robert at the beginning of our relationship. We met when I was 57 and he was 64, and our sexual connection was exhilarating, exuberant, and downright incredible. (This led me to start writing about senior sex, in fact.) However, I took so darned long to reach orgasm and was sure that he was getting bored, which made me take even longer! I finally voiced my concerns to him. He replied with a loving smile, “I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions or get something to eat!”
I advise you to do with your husband what I did with Robert — believe him when he says he doesn’t mind at all. I’ll bet that if you relax and stop worrying about taking so long, you’ll reach orgasm faster. And if you don’t, just enjoy the journey.
If you’d still like some tips for speeding things along, try these:
- Exercise before sex. Exercise increases blood flow to your muscles, brain and – yes! – your genitals. Increased blood flow helps make arousal and orgasm faster.
- Start on your own ahead of time. Take time before sex to get yourself aroused through fantasy or your own touch.
- Use a vibrator. I know you said you tried one and didn’t like it, but I encourage you to try others. Read my Senior’s Guide to Vibrators (https://cms.seniorplanet.org/the-seniors-guide-to-vibrators/) and my vibrator reviews at www.nakedatourage.com. You may find that the orgasm that took you an hour yesterday will take only 10 minutes with a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator.
I love your newfound sexual enjoyment of each other without goals. You’ve discovered a real key to lifelong sexual delight and intimacy. If more of us embraced that relaxed approach to sex, we’d find more pleasure, not less. Thank you for sharing how you keep sex strong. —Joan
Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
- Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
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Comments
that helped me have orgasms in 10 to 30 min. My husband says he doesn’t care how long it takes. I get so embarrassed, kind of wom me version of ed. As for those men with ed, my husband loves when I give him oral sex or try and pleasure his soft penis. he said it gets all the nerve endings! so ladies take care of your man and have fun and enjoy it at any age! I hoped we are still intimate as we age. I love our sex life, and try to seduce my hubby everyday!
My wife (she is 71) completely cut me off from any kind of sex with her back in 2007. She had breast cancer (and it was directly related to estrogen that she took at the onset of menopause) and the doctors never told her that estrogen can cause breast cancer. After the chemo my wife complained that when I ejaculated that it caused a severe burning sensation. We tried condoms, silicone lubricants, etc. to try to make her comfortable but nothing worked. 12 years ago our sex life ended.
you should really talk to her penetrative sex is great but there are so so so many ways that both of you can please and enjoy sexual intimacy without you being inside her. and maybe bring a towel to your party to catch the ejaculate without her having the be touched by it. naught work.
Had to leave a comment for all of you fellow ED guys.. My partner is a hot 51 while I am 60. 3rd time lucky for myself.
The main reason for wanting to comment is after soul-destroying failure to get back my erections, I stumbled on cock rings and particular medical grade silicone by imedihelp, stops venal leakage and now have erections back along with confidence. 3 sizes as don’t want to cut off circulaion but tight. If helps one, I’ve passed on some good karma.. Best of luck to all of you..
Wonderful discussion – thank you. Both 70+ and she is very orgasmic, comes once or twice most days, and I lick her clit or anus to get her there or use a toy. Sometimes it’s a few minutes, sometimes much longer. I love doing it, she loves it, so we do it lots, and touch each other in little ways all the time. I can’t go inside her cunt sadly as I don’t get hard now, but I still have very strong orgasms, with a flaccid penis, in her mouth – her only jokey grumble is there is less to swallow now!
HAHA well I am 74 and would love, caress, adore a good man. He can be from 60 to 70 b/c my libido is high (more like I am 34) and my mind is no older than 54. I still climax and don’t even need the lube (never did). Where are all the men that are as deprived as I am? OH MY!!! I live in the mountains of N.C. Been trying to find a good man that can still function for about 3 years now.
Not sure if this message will reach you! But way to go!!! I just had a very big laugh the way you said things about your self. You’ll find a man! But I hope you find the right one who will treat you right not just for that need! We all need love, care and patience. Many blessings to you. Thank you for lifting my spirit
WandaKate I’m too in NC and in the same boat as you at 64. I still exercise and try to stay active which I thinks helps me. Anyway I’m glad you are still churning butter and keep up the good work. I travel to Boone and the Ski resorts during ski season as well. What area of NC mountains do you resides if I may ask.
William
Wandakate,,,,, why are all the good women so far away?,,,, I would give anything to find a women with your mind and attitude,,, 66 and stuck in Florida because of work,, and I truly hate it here,,, I’m a mountain boy from the Catskills,,, and a women like you would make my life complete,, Thank you for your great post
Hi Mandakate,, I think we both have the same problem,,, trying to find a partner that you can spoil and pleasure,,, and the best place to do that is in the Appalachian Mountains,,, I’m in Florida now for 8 years for my work with one of the largest Road Construction companies in the U. S.,,, and I hate this state,,, too flat,, no beautiful fresh water lakes,,, and the majority of the people are not fun to be around,,, so where am I supposed to find my love and magical sexual partner??? HELP!!!!
Wandakate, I absolutely love your post, YUM YUM,
Sadly I’m only a dreamer though because I’m married, Me and my wife have been together for a rough 38 years, she’s always been mean and hateful and 5 years ago she had a complete hysterectomy and we’ve only touched sexually 3 or4 times since then.
She’s the only woman I’ve been intimate with in the 38 years.
After reading your post guess I’ll just go hang my head and cry,lol