Desperately Seeking Orgasm: Help for an Older Man

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A member writes: 

I am 73 and use Viagra to prepare for lovemaking, but even so, over the last few months I’ve had problems achieving orgasm during intercourse. I have never been a quick trigger. Now, after 20 minutes I give up in exasperation because I worry that my wife is becoming impatient. She says that she is not impatient, just frustrated that she can’t do more to help me. She says she realizes that with age, I need more time to reach orgasm and knows the problem is not changes in her.

My wife does reach orgasm during intercourse, and it happens more easily if I perform oral sex on her prior to penetration. She’ s thrilled that I’ve been willing to take this step of using Viagra so that we can continue to enjoy lovemaking this way. With Viagra, even without doing much to stimulate me I have no problem getting an erection.

I believe my problem coming to orgasm lies in a loss of sensitivity. I have gone to a urologist, and he assured me that there is no physical problem with testosterone or any other medical issue.

Lately we have tried using a vibrator on my erection. It feels good, but it doesn’t affect me much and since I already have an erection, it seems that it’s time for intercourse. Last time, we also used a masturbation sleeve before intercourse, and ultimately that is how, after 20 minutes of intercourse, I achieved orgasm.

Thinking about making love with my wife has always aroused me emotionally and physically. Even with the problems we’ve been having recently, I look forward with great anticipation to our lovemaking. We’ve been married for 20 years and have a wonderful marriage. We never retire for the night without expressing our love. We always kiss when either of us is leaving and again on our return. We always start the day with a big hug. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. —Viagra Orgasm Seeker

It warms my heart to read about how much you and your wife treasure each other and express your love throughout the day. You’re having regular sex that is very satisfying to your wife, but you have difficulty reaching orgasm with Viagra. I think that the answer to your problem begins with a better understanding of what Viagra does and does not do. It does increase blood flow to the penis to trigger an erection. That’s all. It does not increase desire, sensation, the feeling of arousal or orgasm.

I shared your concerns with pharmacist Paul Roberts R.Ph., M.S, who said, “Viagra (or the generic version sildenafil) has done its job when you have an erection. Orgasm, however, is a complex process. You’ll want to look at other approaches to deal with that.”

Let’s look at these approaches one by one:

1. Recognize Real Readiness
2. Use erotic stimulation
3. Try better sex toys
4. Relax, experiment, enjoy!

First, understand that just because your erection is ready doesn’t mean that you are ready. You still need erotic stimulation – physical and mental – and at our age, that may take more than it once did.

Stimulation by a partner is important for increasing arousal, pleasure and intimacy. Just as receiving oral sex gets your wife ready to orgasm during intercourse, you may need more touching – both whole body and genital – and/or oral sex or masturbation to get stimulated enough to reach orgasm easily.

You found that using a masturbation sleeve before intercourse helps (see this review of the Tenga sleeves on my blog). An especially stimulating vibrator for penises such as the Pulse can also stimulate you and help you reach orgasm. You can use these sex toys either before intercourse to get you really ready (again, don’t judge readiness by the presence of an erection), or during a break from intercourse so that you don’t have to go so long, or at the end of your lovemaking.

Realize that worrying that you’re taking too long will actually slow down your responsiveness, because anxiety gets in the way of sexual arousal both physically and emotionally. So take the focus off of having to reach orgasm and enjoy the many other sensual paths to enjoyment.

There are no rules. Experiment to discover what stimulates you, what you and your wife enjoy, and the kind of sensation that brings you to orgasm. Enjoy the journey of discovery! —Joan

• Would you like to see more questions and answers? See all of Joan’s advice in Sex @ Our Age.
  
• Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential.

Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”;  the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s  blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.