Ask Joan: Women Keep Asking Me…

Perturbed and Disheartened: Women keep asking if I still get erections!

Dear Joan:

I am 65, divorced for 13 years, and haven’t had a real relationship since. As early as the first or second date, many women demand to know if I still get erections! Some will say, “Many men our age can no longer function,” or “Does it still work?” My typical answer is “Sometimes.” They often respond with some version of “We will see,” like they’ll try me out. Most aren’t that blunt or crass, but some are. I guess they don’t want me wasting their time.

I don’t mind but….

I don’t mind them bringing up sex early, but I’d rather they asked whether I would do my best to give them pleasure regardless of physical function, because isn’t that the point at our age? The truth is that with the help of Cialis I can get a weak or partial erection, and I also have shortening due to Peyronie’s Disease. I know that an erection is not a requirement to be intimate and have pleasure, but how do I get that point across, or even bring up the subject?

I meet these women (age 55 to 80) the old-fashioned way, through real life activities: a game social club, sporting events, travel, neighborhood events, social dancing, and more. I do nude modeling for art classes at colleges, universities, and studios. I usually don’t disclose that after one woman told me that she would not like her significant other posing nude.

I tried but…

I tried posting an online dating profile but was inundated by so many responses that I freaked out and deleted my account immediately. Better for me to meet people in person one at a time!

I wish women my age would try to understand men’s issues, as many of us do our best to understand theirs! It’s not like I am dead down there, but just not as hard or big as forty years ago. I don’t expect their breasts to be as perky as when they were in their twenties, so why do women my age want a man to perform like he was 18? I understand that the ability to have an erection is of great interest to them, but it is discouraging.

— Perturbed and Disheartened

Joan Responds:

Thank you for your thoughtful and articulate viewpoint, which I’m sure reflects many men who want to be judged by more than their erectile function. One way to answer this blunt and unwelcome question is to turn it back to the woman: “Are you really asking if I’d be able to satisfy you if we got sexual? Is penetration with a hard penis the only way that works for you?”

Just ask!

If she says yes, then you’re not a match, and that’s good to know. For some women, an erection is an essential requirement. Others are limited in their own understanding of how marvelous sex can be when the focus is not on how that one body part functions. Still others will be relieved that your erection is not the main event, preferring more attention to the clitoris and the rest of the body.

Many — maybe most — women of our age would welcome knowing that your concentration would be on pleasing her in other ways: hands, mouth, vibrator, dildo, whatever works for the two of you. I hope her focus would be on pleasing you as well, as a hard erection is not necessary for penis pleasure, arousal, even orgasm.

Communicate!

With all these varying perspectives, direct communication is the only way to figure out what’s behind the question. I know it puts you on the spot in an uncomfortable way, but you can take control by asking your own questions, such as one of these:

• Men my age often have unreliable erections — it that a hard no for you?
• I function very well. My penis doesn’t always. Is that a requirement for you?
• I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure, whether or not an erection happens. What are you really asking?

A Meeting of the Minds…and Bodies

I’m with you in wishing that more women would try to understand men’s feelings. Men have shared with me their profound sense of loss when their erections aren’t dependable or possible. They tell me that it’s often the woman who declares that sex is over when intercourse isn’t happening. But I also hear from women who are miserable because the man thinks sex is over when erections fail, and they’re pleading for the varied ways sex is still possible. We need to learn how to accommodate our changing bodies and adapt to how sex works as we age. It can be glorious, but it won’t be the same as when we were young. Talking honestly about our needs and desires is key.

About the woman who shamed you for posing nude: her comment says everything about her and nothing about you. She wouldn’t want her SO to pose for art classes? That sounds possessive and insecure. Personally, I admire your self-confidence and body acceptance, as well as the way you approach sexuality overall. I think you’ll see some comments from women asking where to find a man like you!

YOUR TURN

Readers, what do you think?

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners, the newly updated and expanded “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.