Ask Joan: What To Do When Your Wife Says No

Note from Joan: This question is a composite of several similar emails I received on this topic from husbands. Sadly, this is a common concern. I hope this will be helpful to all of you with this problem.

Dear Joan:

My wife and I are 72 and she no longer wants sex with me. She doesn’t want to talk about it or fix it – she’s done. When I plead that I still desire her and want sex with her, she says I should find some other outlet. I don’t know if she means that, and even if she does, how would I go about it without further wrecking our relationship?

The History

We were high school sweethearts, married young, and had children right away. We grew up when sex was considered shameful and sex education barely existed. We were in love, and we fumbled around until we figured it out. But to be honest, I’m not sure whether she ever really enjoyed it, although she had orgasms from oral sex.

All I know is she really doesn’t enjoy it now. It’s not that I push intercourse – I’ve read enough of your columns to know that sex without penetration can be satisfying and complete. But she’s not interested in that, either. I’ve suggested sex toys — again, nope. She’ll sometimes give me a hand job or oral, but I don’t feel like she’s into it. If she’s “doing me” without enjoying it, I don’t enjoy it either. She knows I masturbate privately to porn and that doesn’t seem to bother her.

What to do?

I have tried to communicate, but it doesn’t lead anywhere. I miss the intimacy as much as the sex. I love her very much, and our relationship would be wonderful if we could bring sex back, but that’s not going to happen. Any advice?

—  Sexless and Sad Husband

Joan responds:

I hear from many people with a similar background who are now experiencing sexual conflicts. Your upbringing shrouded sex in ignorance and shame. You married young, had children immediately, and now find yourselves as seniors wanting different things from your relationship, trying to figure out where to go from here. I sympathize.

I’m sorry that your wife has closed down not only your sexual relationship but all discussion about it. You seem to be doing the right things — trying to open communication, suggesting nonpenetrative sexual alternatives and sex toys, and taking care of your own needs solo.

You say she’s not open to discussion, but would she consider an appointment with a sex therapist, counselor, or relationships coach to help you navigate these issues? This could help the two of you communicate clearly about what you haven’t told each other as well as what you’ve revealed and guide you to a more satisfying connection.

One Expert’s Take

I consulted sex and relationships coach Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., who has worked with couples in your situation. He points out that there’s a lot you don’t know about how your wife feels. What’s going on for her that she doesn’t want sex with you? Is there a physical reason? Is there resentment about your sexual demands over the years? Does she feel that her desires and needs weren’t being met? Is this new or longstanding? Maybe for her, the issue isn’t sex as much as an underlying problem in your marriage. “If there’s a deeper relationship issue here,” says Glickman, “it’ll bubble up somewhere else.” Sexual conflicts are rarely just about sex.

What to say

Glickman suggests that you ask your wife the following questions and really focus on her replies:

1. You say you don’t want sex and you don’t want to figure out how to change that. When did that start for you? What patterns or habits in our relationship contribute to that?
2. You told me to find another sexual outlet. What boundaries or agreement would make that okay for you? If I give my time and attention to someone else, if I spend money on dates or a hotel room, will that work for you? How will you think you’ll feel if I do that?
3. If I do find another sexual outlet, how much will you want to know about that? Do you want me to be discreet and not reveal anything (“don’t ask, don’t tell”)?
4. Separate from sex, I want to feel intimate and connected with you. Is that something you’re wanting? What kinds of nonsexual touch and other forms of emotional intimacy would you be open to?

Need Help?

If it’s difficult to discuss these issues on your own, working with a coach or therapist will make the conversation easier and teach you the skills you need for more productive communication.

Some couples create successful “companionate marriages,” meaning they love each other, they’re best friends and companions, but sex is not part of their relationship. I know that’s not your first choice, but are there ways that you could still feel intimate without sex, maybe with regular cuddling or massages?

I know this is hard. I hope you find a solution that will make both of you feel nurtured and satisfied in your marriage. I wish you the best.

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.