Ask Joan: Wife says “Find Sex Elsewhere, but…”

Dear Joan:

My wife gave up sex pretty much out of nowhere 15 years ago when we were in our mid-50s. At first I’d try to get her into the mood, but she cut me off every time, sometimes harshly. She blamed menopause and her anger about my short fling with a co-worker in the ‘80s, which she’s never forgiven me for. We fought a lot for years. I was angry at being rejected for intimacy. She was controlling about money. I considered divorce, but I had family obligations I couldn’t walk away from, so I stayed.

Adultery?

She told me she’d be okay with me getting sex elsewhere, as long as it was private and I didn’t embarrass her. I’ve tried to find a buddy with benefits for years without luck, meeting people in my active life and through free dating sites. I’m told I’m handsome and accomplished. Each time I reach the point of disclosing my situation — I’m married with permission — that’s the end. I want to be honest, but maybe I’m doing this wrong or using the wrong dating sites.

Cost (we’d need a hotel room) and getting caught have held me back. If I do manage to get a sex friend, I fear that my wife will respond with rage if she finds out, even after giving permission.

Sex Workers?

I’ve considered hiring a sex worker, but I have too much anxiety: the illegality of prostitution and fear of getting arrested or lured into a situation tied to a criminal element. I know my Catholic guilt plays into my resistance to a sex worker.

Help!

At this stage, the fighting has mostly stopped, and we live like brother and sister. I’m 70, an age where I’m worried that a divorce would only reduce my quality of living. I’ll be even more miserable if I fail to find the right woman before my health lessens.

-Miserable But Don’t Dare

JOAN RESPONDS

You’re in a tangled situation. You want a sex buddy after 15 years of a sexless marriage, but your fears and misgivings are powerful roadblocks. You have permission from your wife to find a friend with benefits (FWB), but you list many obstacles, both logistical and emotional. Let’s look at them one by one.

Her anger

You suspect your wife will get angry if she finds out. So set things up so she’s highly unlikely to find out. Seek partners in a nearby city, not your own, if you’re afraid that someone you know will spot you. Plan sex dates in out-of-the-way hotels.

Online sources

Learn more about different online dating sites and choose wisely. Avoid the sites that promote committed relationships. Explore those that allow — even encourage — FWB connections. OKCupid is a large site that lets you define the kind of relationship you want. Feeld specializes in non-traditional connections. You can be honest from the beginning instead of worrying about when to disclose.

Michael Berkowitz, age 72, has been in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) marriage for 20 years. He told me, “By far, I’ve had the most success with OKCupid. You can put up a detailed profile of who you are and what you’re looking for. You can list yourself as married and ethically non-monogamous, making it easy to find people who are open to what you desire. Recently I’ve also had success on Feeld, which is definitely good for ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ relationships. I met a compatible casual partner there.”

Costs

I know money is a consideration, but you’ll need to invest in this pursuit. The online sites I’m recommending have payment tiers: you get a little for free and pay for additional functionality, safety, and perks, which will be valuable to you.

Sex Workers

You balk at hiring a sex worker, but this is a simpler (though more costly) way to get exactly what you want. It’s a transaction: you describe the kind of sexual interaction you seek, and you get exactly what you desire, private and discreet. Since sex workers can’t advertise exactly what they’re offering, you could start with an internet search of “erotic massage near me.” I suggest seeking a mature woman with her own website. They’re out there!

The underlying issues

I think your marriage has unresolved issues, not just from halting sex, but your wife’s continued anger about your infidelity 40 years ago — did you ever deal with that in therapy? — and your guilt and fear. Is your wife content with the roommate relationship, or might she agree to marriage counseling to create a closer companionate marriage while you seek sex elsewhere? In any case, you would benefit personally from guidance from a sex therapist who could help you explore your options and navigate your next steps.

You’re unhappy enough to consider divorce, but you hesitate in part because you might not find “the right woman before my health lessens.” We can’t know how long we’ll be healthy, but putting our life on hold is no solution. Would leaving this marriage and seeking a loving, sexy relationship provide a chance for happiness, or would it open up new problems? Only you can weigh the pros and cons.

YOUR TURN

What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!

 

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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.