Ask Joan: Stay or Go?

This month, instead of answering one reader question, I’m answering two that are different, but related. One is from an unhappy husband, the other from an unhappy wife. Their situations are so similar that my advice would be nearly identical. Here’s a shortened version of each story:

#1: Do I choose misery or a chance for happiness?

My wife and I have been married 45 years. For the last 25 years she has been distant. She doesn’t like to be touched or anything sexual or affectionate.  She is also a very difficult person. She is verbally abusive and used to be physically abusive to me. Now she does nothing but watch television.

I was once engaged to my high school sweetheart, but it didn’t work out. Now, 52 years later, we’ve come into each other’s lives again. We are still attracted to each other and have become intimate. She’s also in a verbally abusive marriage and wants out.

I realize now that my marriage was a rebound from the loss of the woman I really loved. I’m at my wits end with my wife, and my high school sweetheart wants me again. What do I do? I know what I want to do. One woman makes me miserable and the other makes me happy.

#2: I deserve so much better than this.

I am a 66-year-old woman, married to my 75-year-old husband for 41 years. Since he turned 50, I have been fighting to reclaim the sex life we used to have.  When his libido slowed 25 years ago, I brought him to our doctor who said it was “age” related. I wasn’t willing to accept that.

Here we are 25 years later, and it has never gotten better, despite testosterone levels being checked, trials with “little blue pills,” and penile injections.  The problem is that he has absolutely no interest in intimacy with me.  I crave him and miss his touch, his kisses, anything.

He’s a narcissist and emotionally abusive with anger issues. We can’t live with each other, and we can’t live without each other. I don’t have an addictive personality, but he is the drug I cannot free myself from. I have been grieving for years now. I deserve so much better than this.

Joan responds:

Both of you wrote me much more detailed stories than you read here, but the essence is this: You are both in 40-plus year marriages that have been sexless for 25 years, with abusive spouses. You are miserable in your marriage, but you haven’t left.

You both need more help than an advice column. You need therapy to understand yourself, your marriage, and your options. But when I read stories like yours, I wonder if you’re writing to me mainly to get someone to tell you, yes, you can leave. It’s not too late. You’re not too old to change your life for the better.

Here’s my main message to both of you and to readers in similar situations:

• If your marriage has been making you unhappy for decades, it will not magically improve if you stay — it will continue to make you unhappier.
• If you leave, nothing is guaranteed, but at least you have a chance to find joy.

What about sex?

What about the sex part? I have no words that would change the mind of a partner who hasn’t wanted sex with you for 25 years. Even if I did, you can’t have satisfying sex in a relationship that makes you miserable, and it would be wrong of me to encourage you to do so. You can have good, even exhilarating sex — but it won’t be in this marriage.

Is Your Situation Similar?

Readers, do you see your own situation in these stories? How do you know whether to leave or stay? Start by asking yourself these questions:

• Do you keep rehashing the same issues, but nothing ever changes?
• Have you given up on improving your relationship?
• Do you feel lonelier when you’re with your partner than when you’re alone?
• Is your partner physically, emotionally or verbally abusive?
• Do you feel like you’re wasting your life staying with this person?
• Do close friends and family encourage you to leave?
• If you could do it again, would you decide not to marry this person?
• Has all the life and love disappeared from this relationship?
• Are you staying only because you’re afraid to go?

If you answer yes to even one of these questions, you should start to take steps out the door, in my view. “But I took vows,” you may say. Is your spouse the same person you vowed to love? Are you the same person who took those vows? Does your spouse love and honor you?

Can you Leave?

Leaving is hard. It takes strength. It hurts, even when you’re the one leaving. What if you don’t have financial resources? You may feel beaten down emotionally and fearful of changing your life. All I can do is encourage you to confide in people who value you, enlist the help of a therapist, and create a chance for happiness for yourself.

You deserve this.

Want Joan’s take on senior sex, online dating and more? Listen to Senior Planet Managing Editor Virge Randall’s interview with Joan on “Aging Rewired,” Senior Planet’s new podcast series: 

• ➡️ Listen on Apple Podcasts
• ➡️ Listen on Spotify

 

Got a question for Joan? Read this first

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

 

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.