Ask Joan: Do I Share My Sexual Past?

A reader wants to know if he should share details about his sexual past with his current lover. 

Dear Joan:

Cindy and I both lost our spouses of 40-plus years to cancer. We met, fell in love, and married four years ago. Our sex life at 70 is wonderfully satisfying. My quandary is that she keeps asking for very personal, X-rated details about what my late wife Susan and I did sexually. She says she wants to give me what I enjoyed most with Susan.

Tell or Not?

I’ve told Cindy that there’s no way to compare my enjoyment of our sex with what I shared with Susan. They are very different in their preferences. Some things that I enjoyed with Susan don’t fit Cindy’s choices, so what’s to be gained? Likewise, Cindy is open to positions and locations that Susan would not ever consider. We have discussed all this generically, but I’ve tried to stay away from the specifics.

Some things that I enjoyed with Susan don’t fit Cindy’s choices, so what’s to be gained?

I don’t know if I should give Cindy more details.  On the positive side, telling her may give her a better indication of how much I’d enjoy doing things with her that I did with my late wife.  However, on the potential negative side, I don’t want to give details that could hurt us in the long run or make her worry that Susan was “better” sexually – which would be totally in error!

I know that Cindy had a terrific physical relationship with her late husband. While I’ve been a bit curious, I’ve never asked. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or end up getting details that might make me feel insecure or lacking in some way.

Thank you for any advice you may have. I’m running out of time as Cindy keeps pressing the issue, causing some friction between us. Should I divulge the graphic information that I’ve been holding onto so closely?

– Tell Or Don’t Tell

Joan responds:

please don’t! There’s nothing to be gained by revealing intimate details of your sex life with your first wife. This will only lead to more friction as Cindy compares herself after four years with you to your 40-year relationship. This could go terribly wrong.

Sure, talk about what you want sexually that you and Cindy might not have explored, e.g., “I’d love to try … if you might be into it.” – but not in the context of nitty-gritty details of what you and Susan did together.

First, those details are private and part of the intimacy that a bonded, loving couple enjoys. You have no obligation to divulge them to any other human being.

Second, there’s no way to compare anyway! When you met your late wife more than 45 years ago, you were different people. Over the decades, your relationship – sexual and otherwise – changed, settled, changed again as you aged. What a couple enjoys sexually depends not only on the individual desires of each, but also the ways their needs, desires, preferences intertwine. As you say, there are some things you enjoyed with Susan that Cindy doesn’t want to do, and vice versa.

Third, this is a minefield. If Cindy is insecure enough to keep pressing, your answer – whatever it is – is likely to distress her.

What to Say

So how do you say no? Try something like this:

“I love you, and I’m with you now. There’s no way I’d want to compare my sex life with Susan with what you and I do together. Plus, in respect to Susan, I don’t want to share intimate details. They were private to our marriage. Let’s be in the present together and focus on the pleasure we give each other. We can talk about the things we’d like to try together without bringing in our former spouses.”

Your question reminds me of a long-ago (2006!) question from a reader of my first senior sex book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. He was in a new relationship and addressed his question to Robert, my lover, who was central to that book:

“My Lady had a very active sex life before we met. How do you deal with that? Do you think about the other men before you? I know it shouldn’t be an issue at our age, but I find myself wondering how I ‘stack up’ to the others. I feel that asking would be crossing the line. Should I just accept the fact that we are together and that’s the end of it?”

Robert replied:

“I used to worry about this myself. I am fortunate to have someone who assures me that I am the one she loves. Since we learn from all our previous sexual experiences what we want and like, and what we don’t, this sexual learning necessarily includes all past lovers. Fretting about how we measure up to other guys who have had sex with our partner – whether we are good enough, or big enough – is unproductive. I’ve come to believe that authentic expression of love and the ability to be playful and experimental are the most reliable ingredients for successful sex, rather than focusing on measuring up (which can only be unknown anyway).”

I think this is good advice for your situation, too.

Have a question for Joan? 

• Check https://cms.seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/ in case Joan has already addressed your topic.
• Joan can only answer questions from people age 60 and above.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• If your question is under consideration for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email. If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.