Ask Joan: Have a Sexy 2025!

Joan rings in 2025 with advice that will make your new year sexier and more fulfilling. These 2025 New Year’s Resolutions grew out of the problems readers submitted – and your reader comments! Which ones will you put into action this year?

Affirm your sexual pleasure

We don’t “age out” of sexuality. What kind of sex feels good and works for us now may change as our bodies age and we encounter health issues. The answer is not to give up, but to read reliable resources about how aging affects sexuality, explore different ways to enjoy sex, and learn how to work through or around the challenges.

Let go of limiting beliefs.

• “I’d never use a vibrator.” Truth: vibrators are orgasm tools, and we may need their assistance.
• “If we can’t have intercourse, we can’t have sex.” Truth: there are many ways to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm that do not involve partner penetration.
• “I was taught… [fill in the blank], and I won’t change now.” Truth: maybe those old beliefs serve you and maybe they don’t. Be open-minded about the sexual expression and/or relationship that will work for you now.

It’s not too late to embrace a different version of sexuality that fits your needs now, even if it conflicts with what you were taught decades ago. You’ve let go of other beliefs and restrictions that no longer serve you. Examine your convictions about sex and relationships with an open mind.

Talk to your partner about your sexual needs and wishes.

• “Discussing the problem is a problem in itself.” – MWG, reader

When you’re not used to talking openly and vulnerably about sex, it’s a learning process. It’s never too late to work on those skills, and the rewards are great. Start here:

1. Decide on one thing you want to ask for.
2. Frame your request in a loving, non-judgmental way, using “I” statements: “I’d love it if you’d…” or “I like to be stimulated by….” What’s your version of this statement?
3. Practice stating your request and explaining what you mean. Don’t assume it’s obvious!
4. Plan a time to talk about sex while you’re not naked in bed. Choose a neutral place where your partner will also feel comfortable.
5. Ask, don’t just tell. After you’ve discussed your request, don’t stop there. Ask your partner, “What would you like to do/try/change?” Really listen.
6. Decide on an action plan. For example, “The next time we get sexual, let’s try this….”
7. Check in with each other frequently. Plan to have this conversation regularly.

Seek help if you’re at an impasse.

• “I respect a person’s right to no longer want sex, regardless of the reason. But respect is a two-way street. It is cruel to force another human being into a sexless life.” – Paul Santerr, reader
• “Decades ago, I read: ‘Sex is only 10% of a relationship, but when there is an issue, it becomes 90% of the problem.’” – Joan Irvine, reader

A difficult relationship problem can’t be solved by a sex advice column. I often recommend sex therapists and age-positive, sex-positive counselors. Some problems need professional help to navigate the many issues underlying the immediate problem.

For example, I’ve answered many questions from people unhappy in sexless marriages. One column from August 2017 —  “How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage” — received an astounding 426 comments, many from frustrated readers also in sexless marriages. There’s no quick and easy solution to a layered problem like this. Please get professional help and do the work if you want to stay married. If your spouse refuses, go on your own to figure out your options. Reading “Ask Joan: Stay or Go?” might help.

Know that whatever your sexual concerns, you’re not alone.

• “I’m not alone. That’s something I have learned from your columns that makes me feel better. How many of us have felt weird because we had no idea that so many others were experiencing the exact same thing? Thank you for talking about these things that need to be talked about!” – Anne, reader
• “Your advice and comments over the decade have helped a lot of us open communication with our partners. You have also made many of us realize that we are not alone whilst dealing with a concern in our relationships which we thought were unique to us alone.” – Dave 85, reader

Trying to resolve a sexual concern at our age is challenging in itself. Add to that the isolation of thinking we’re the only one with this problem, and solutions seem distant. Whenever I write my column, I’m aware that I’m not just answering the one person whose email I selected — I’m answering numerous people with the same or similar question.

No, you’re not alone, whatever aspect of sexuality or relationship you’re facing. You’re in a welcoming community here where we can talk openly about sex and relationships. Thank you, Senior Planet, for making that possible.

Want more?

For more tips for enhancing your sexual pleasure, read Sexy New Year’s Resolutions 2025.

Got a Question?

Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting!

• You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age.
• No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?
• Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic.
• This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.
• If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
• Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
• Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.

Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and the newly updated and expanded “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.