Ask Joan: Sex After Grief
Last month Senior Sex expert and author Joan Price conducted a Sex After Grief webinar hosted by Senior Planet and AARP. More than 800 people registered; this month, she answers some of the most common questions about sex while grieving a partner’s loss.
My Partner Died — How Can I Be Sexual Again?
Q: How do I deal with the guilt that if I’m sexual with someone new, I’m betraying my deceased partner?
A: Ask yourself: if you had been the one to die first, what would you have wanted for your beloved partner? Never to love again or be happy again? To stay stuck in mourning and alone forever? Of course not.
Now imagine what your deceased partner would tell you. If there was real love between you, you’d hear, “Find pleasure and happiness again. Find love again. Don’t close yourself down.”
For those of you who are fortunate enough to have your partners with you, the greatest gift you can give each other to avoid this kind of guilt later is to say now, “If I die before you, I want you to find joy again with someone else.” I wish every couple would have this conversation.
Am I ready for Sex again?
Q: How do I know when I’m ready for sex with a new person? I keep thinking maybe I am, then I panic and retreat.
A: This is the most frequent question I’m asked. It’s different for everyone. Some people just know when they’re ready — their bodies are insistent, and their minds and hearts are aligned.
The timeline is different for everyone.
Some ease into readiness when they feel their sensuality return and they find themselves attracted to new people. Others waver, thinking they’re ready, then discovering they’re not — often multiple times. Some find their physical yearning at war with their moral or religious beliefs or worry about how others will judge them.
Steps to try
The timeline is different for everyone. It may happen quickly, or it may take months or even years. Here are some ways to make the process smoother:
- Accept that it’s okay to explore, experiment, change your mind.
- Think about what kind of relationship you want at this stage of your life. You may be ready for a casual sex partner or “friend with benefits” before you’re ready for emotional involvement. Consider this without self-judgment. Nothing you desire is wrong, as long as it’s consensual, safe, and honest.
- Choose only potential partners whom you trust to respect your vulnerability, your wishes, and your boundaries. This includes being able to say, “I want to stop now.”
- It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You might want to explore only kissing at first, or just touching. Have an honest talk in advance about what you want and don’t want as you explore your sexuality with a new partner. “Yes” is the beginning of the conversation, not the final word.
- If you don’t trust your new date to respect these steps, this is not the right partner for your first steps towards reclaiming your sexuality. Move on. There are good people out there.
- While you’re waiting to be sexual with someone new, pleasure yourself solo. It’s good for your mood as well as your body!
Navigating Sex
Q: How do I navigate first time sex with a new partner?
A: Again, it’s not all or nothing. Don’t think of your choices as either full-on sex or no sex at all. There are lots of pleasurable and satisfying steps along the way. You may feel comfortable with sexual touch and sexual release long before you’re ready for penetrative sex, for example.
Define the kind of sex you’re ready for. Take it step by step, checking in with each other frequently and stopping if you feel sad or fearful. Agree in advance that you can always say, “That’s enough for this time.”
Rehearse how to communicate before each new date until you feel grounded. You’ll need to use your words, so your date understands that you want to explore sex a little at a time and doesn’t expect to go “all the way.” (There’s a term from our past!) Set boundaries verbally. Revisit them as you feel more comfortable.
Q: How do I protect myself from STIs with a new sex partner (or partners)?
A: Finally, an easy question! Use barrier protection with everyone every time. The longer answer: watch my free YouTube video, “Safer Sex for Seniors with Joan Price.”
For much more on this important topic, I invite you to read my award-winning book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved. It’s a step-by-step guide based on my own grief journey, experiences from other grievers, and tips from experts. If you’d like to know when I give this Sex After Grief webinar again, email me.
I send you warmth, compassion, and a spirit of adventure as you take this journey.
Do you have a question for Joan?
- Check https://cms.seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/ in case Joan has already addressed your topic.
- Joan can only answer questions from people age 60 and above.
- Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation.
- If your question is under consideration for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and will only select your question if you respond to her email. If you submit your question, please check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.
- Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
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Comments
I wish I’d had someone to ask these questions to when my husband died. After seeing Joan’s AARP program I bought her book, and yes, it answered these questions and so many more. I’ve read it twice. I feel close to ready to seeking out closeness with someone again. I’ll keep this in mind: “Accept that it’s okay to explore, experiment, change your mind.”
This is a wonderful synopsis of a complex subject. It is treated with great sensitivity and at greater length in Joan Price’s insightful heartwarming book, SEX AFTER GRIEF. From that I gained much knowledge and perspective about my own grief journey and my options moving forward after my beloved wife’s death. I highly recommend that you obtain a copy, too.