Ask Joan: Satisfy him better

Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! If you’re over 60, submit your questions to this column by emailing Joan directly at sexpert@seniorplanet.org. 

I am a 66-year-old healthy and vital woman. After a 10-year hiatus from relationships after divorce from a long marriage, I am now in a happy, healthy relationship with a wonderful man! We feel lucky to have found one another.

Our relationship is just six months old. Sex with him has been amazing in many ways, starting with great foreplay and ending in great sex, especially for me. I am shocked that at 66 I have multiple orgasms. It feels close to heaven for me. He keeps saying that it’s incredible for him, too, but I feel bad because sometimes he doesn’t have an orgasm. When he does, it’s usually when I give him oral sex. He has yet to have an orgasm during intercourse.

His wife of 40 years passed away two years ago. He was devoted to her, and I wonder if letting go is part of the challenge. In addition, getting hard is tough for him, but Viagra takes care of that quite nicely. Finally, he had back surgery years ago, and his right leg goes numb on him. He wonders if that could be affecting this.

I love making love to him and he feels the same way about me. Do you have any ideas to help me satisfy him better so that we could share an orgasm during intercourse? He keeps insisting it’s not “me” but “him.”  Perhaps you have some ideas for him? We’re having great sex–this would just be the “cherry on top.” 

 —Want to Satisfy Him Better

Joan replies: 

My Number One suggestion: Take the goals out of sex. Look at the pleasure you’re giving each other and stop thinking, “but it would be even better if….” You say the sex is great, but you want him to have an orgasm during intercourse—something that hasn’t ever happened in the six months you’ve been together. Please let yourself enjoy what is happening instead of seeing the kind of sex you’re having as inferior sex. Make sex goal-free.

I frequently hear from men who want their partners to reach orgasm during intercourse. I tell them that 75% of women do not – they need direct clitoral stimulation. As men age, they, too, often need a different, stronger stimulation to reach orgasm. As you’ve said, oral sex works best for your guy. Take him at his word instead of yearning to change his responses so that you can “share an orgasm during intercourse,” which may not be possible. 

This is a new relationship, and he may be experiencing performance anxiety trying to give you the kind of sex you want, especially if what you want is a particular response from him. If you relax your expectations, he’ll be able to relax his, and orgasm will be more likely for him. This will happen more readily if he doesn’t sense that you’re wanting him to respond differently.

You’re probably right that grief is affecting his responses. We all grieve on different timelines, and two years isn’t very long for many grievers. That isn’t something you can fix or rush. Give him time. I hope you’ll both read my newest book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved, which will shed light on the process of becoming sexual again after a partner’s death. I know you’re helping him by showing him that sexual intimacy is possible again after such a great loss.

Yes, grief and memories of his beloved wife may be interfering with his reaching orgasm during intercourse, or it might be unrelated. Maybe fellatio just gives him more sensation and pleasure. As men age, they often need more direct stimulation of the penis, and that might be easier for him with oral than with intercourse. That’s not a defect or anything that needs fixing. He might also enjoy a vibrator for the extra stimulation that makes orgasm easier, such as one of the sex toys for penises reviewed on my blog.

Has he asked his doctor about the leg numbness? It might be nerve damage from the surgery, or there might be another cause that should be diagnosed. There can be sexual side effects from back surgery, so encourage him to consult his doctor. 

You say that your lover has trouble getting and keeping an erection and uses Viagra with you. Viagra brings blood flow to the penis, but it does not intensify sensation. The pleasure in sex isn’t dependent on, or even related to, whether he has an erection. Likewise, even if he doesn’t have an orgasm every time, that doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying sex with you thoroughly.  

Above all, ask him what gives him the most pleasure. Ask him what turns him on. Ask him if there’s something he’d like you to do. If he says he’s perfectly happy with the sex you’re having now, believe him. 

Reader Take-Aways:

• Focus on sexual pleasure, not goals;
• Consult a doctor about medical issues that might be interfering with sexual response;
• Add sex toys for extra sensation;
• Communicate with your partner about what feels good.

A Message from Joan:

I receive many more questions than I can answer. To help yours get chosen, know this:

• I select questions solely from readers age 60+.
• If I already answered a similar question, yours is less likely to be chosen, so do a search for your topic first.
• When you submit a question, describe your problem, how it affects you, what you’d like to know. Your story will be edited.
• For medical advice, consult your doctor. Change doctors if you’re not satisfied or if you’re treated dismissively.
• I select questions for publication only. For a private answer, request a consultation. Most questions about sex and aging are answered in my books and webinars.

Send Joan your questions by emailing sexpert@seniorplanet.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+

Joan Price is the author of several self-help books about senior sex including her newest, “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.” Visit Joan’s website and blog and her Facebook page. For senior sex news and tips, subscribe to Joan’s free newsletter.